In Hearts : Sea Of Sorrow
by Morphine Dementia
Summary: Black Order Asylum gets a new patient - a young man whose family died in a fire. Wrecked with guilt of surviving, he appears to have no senses or emotions left, but a young idealistic doctor believes he can take on this challenge and cure him. DGM-age AU, mild LaviYu, madness, society intolerance. Previously titled "Sea Of Sorrow".
1. Dementia

**AN: **So, if you know a videogame called 'American McGee's Alice', you are ought to know what this is all about. This fic is basically a -Man x Alice crossover. The idea of mental asylum just came out from a conversation with Digital_Eon and hikamitz on DGray-Divinity forums. So here is the crazy me, bringing up yet another weird and morbid...uh, whatever. Hope you enjoy this. For some reason, I seem to be writing a lot of insane!Kanda...and I mean, a LOT. Oh well...I kinda invented him. I picked the main roles accordingly to 'Rabbit in Wonderland' doujinshi (I'm sure you know it), but...yeah, if you played THAT Alice game, you basically already know the main concept of this fic. But it would be awesome if you read it anyway.

Happy Friday the 13th, guys! :D

**Summary: **The Black Order Asylum retrieves a new patient - a young man whose family had become victims of a fire...or was it racistic revolution? Wrecked with guilt of surviving and frustrated with his powerlessness at that time, he appears to have no sense or emotions left; but a young idealistic doctor believes he can cure any patient assigned to him and will not give up until he wins against the madness or until the last hope is crushed. AU (but the same timeframe), eventually mild Lavi x Kanda.

**Warnings: **Angst, madness, a bit of violence, mentions of various abuse (the author does NOT support any of it, if that's not clear), light shonen-ai at the end.

**Disclaimer: **-Man and its characters belong to Katsura Hoshino. Alice stories and their concept together with quotes provided, belongs to Lewis Carol. The Alice game concept and level titles belong to American McGee. 'Taking Tea in Dreamland' belong to Chris Vrenna. 'Sea of Sorrow' and the four lines of lyrics belong to Alice In Chains.

Previously only titled „Sea of Sorrow".

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_**IN HEARTS:**_

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_**SEA OF SORROW**_

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_You open fire - and your mark was true_

_You open fire - I aim my smiling skull at you_

_I live tomorrow, you I'll not follow_

_As you wallow, in the sea of sorrow_

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**Prologue**

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"Nii-san...can you read me a bedtime tale?"

Little asian girl looked up at her brother, her big dark eyes shining hopefully. She looked only about five years old; her brother seemed to be in his teen years. He smiled a little at her. "English, Yuki. You have to get used to it.."

They all had to get used to it. People around here weren't especially friendly to immigrants as it was, and their best chance of blending in was to use the local language as well and as much as possible. They wanted harmony and peace, after all.

The girl pouted a bit, but then gazed up again. "Please? Big brother?"

"Fine."

He started walking towards the stairs, and turned back a little surprised as his sister stayed in the same place.

"Aren't you coming? I said it was fine."

She raised her hands, sticking out her tongue a little. "Carry me."

He blinked, then another faint smile appeared on his lips as he walked to the child and picked her up, with gentleness that didn't match his words. "Whatever."

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"..._Then she set to work nibbling at the mushroom - she had kept a piece of it in her pocket - till she was a bout a foot high; and then - she found herself at last in the beautiful garden, among the bright flower-beds and the cool fountains_.

That's it, and for real this time, now go to sleep. I have no idea why you keep making me read it to you - you know every line of this book anyway."

He never knew why she loved this foreign tale so much. Ever since they moved, she hadn't asked for a Japanese one. And it was the same every evening.

The girl giggled a bit at how her brother seemed to be displeased but only _after_ he actually read her the story. "Because I like when _you_ read it, Nii-san," she chirped and hugged her plush rabbit doll, pulling the blanket up to her nose.

"Tch..."

"Thank you very much!"

He put the book on the night-table, and pecked his sister's forehead before putting out the lamp. "Night."

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When he finished the essay he had to do for school, it was already past midnight. He didn't even change and slumped onto his bed - what looked more like a mattress on the ground, because he still tried to follow the traditions of his home country - and fell asleep almost immediately.

While he slept, he thought that he heard voices of some kind, but his mind decided it was a part of his dream and he didn't wake up. Eventually though, he felt some kind of strange smell.

_What?_

He sat up, opening his eyes, only to see that the room was full of smoke. _WHAT?_

He mechanically grabbed his grandfather's sword that was laying next to his bed and ran out. In the hallway, his way was blocked by a wall of flames. The hallway and the other side of the house was completely taken up by fire.

"Yuki!"

He thought he heard something between the flames.

"Father? Mother?"

Then he heard faint voices...faint voices that he couldn't do anything to help. He widened his eyes in horror, finally understanding what was happening.

He stared at the fire for a brief moment, then ran forwards, through the flames, ignoring the heat, burns and pain, determined and desperate to reach the room in the second floor before the burning staircase would fall apart.

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**Chapter I : Dementia**

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_June 17, 1882_

_Today is a big day. My grandfather finally decided to let me have real practise here in the asylum. I already got to know the personnel, and now I'm getting a patient assigned to me. Not to mention, that patient is told to be a very special case...doubtful honour! But what's the most important, I'm finally getting a chance to prove myself. Gramps trusted me with an unique case, and I'm sure I will find new cures when I become a doctor. I'm not yet fully twenty years old and I'm already a medicine magister. I know there's a future waiting for me, right in front of me, and I'm going to work hard to attain it. I, Lavi Bookman, had sworn to work for the people, and I am going to do it with all I have. Yes, this is a perfect chance to prove that I'm up for it._

_The patient should arrive shortly. I have already read the file we have on his case - I don't find it all that unique, but gramps thinks otherwise. The file is a bit small...actually, it's even pathetic. All provided facts are his family name - Kanda - which was gotten from the neighbors - and the physical data, such as bloodtype, height, weight and et cetera. Apparently, his family were immigrants that were killed in a fire...rather, arson, during the Liverpool accident about two years ago - no wonder no one could tell anything about them; there are none of their relatives here in England. I think I have that newspaper somewhere, I'll have to check it again. Anyway, the boy survived through a miracle, and ever since he hadn't woken up from a coma-like trance. He was terribly burned in the fire, but after all of this time, there's practically no sign of the wounds anymore._

_Apparently, these two years the patient was kept in the White Cross hospital. To be honest, I am surprised he survived. That hospital's personnel has an absolute zero qualifications when it comes to mental cases. They'd probably just put a plate with food next to a patient in coma and expect him to eat by himself. There are only two or three doctors per whole hospital who know how to deal with cases like this. It's probably thanks to them that the subject survived at all._

_Indeed, this is a curious case._

_They should be arriving about now. I'd better go out and meet them._

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The day was beautiful, but not very hot. The old trees of the asylum's yard were throwing huge shadows over the patients and nurses who were having the afternoon walk. No one even payed any attention when the rusty gate opened for a moment and closed again, being locked right afterwards.

Two sanitars carried the stretcher with a sickly looking young man, almost a boy, in it. He was so pale that it almost didn't look human; his eyes were slightly open but he didn't seem to see anything in front of him. He had long, dark hair that was braided so it wouldn't get in the way when he was being taken care of in hospital; it obviously was really beautiful once but apparently it hadn't been washed for a while.

_'What kind of a hole is that hospital?' _the young doctor caught himself thinking as he opened the door so the sanitars could bring the stretcher in. Here in Black Order asylum, the nurses always paid attention to the patients' hygiene and well- being while the doctors did their best to try and cure their diseases or at least make it better. The boy on the stretcher looked like he was being fed once a week, and the doctor suddenly thought that it was yet another miracle he reached the asylum alive. He obviously wasn't properly taken care of during those years.

There was a moment of shock just as the sanitars were carrying him though the door; out of nowhere, a scrawny and sickly looking striped cat jumped on the boy in the stretcher, nearly causing the sanitars to drop it, and the doctor had a hard time throwing the cat off as it released its claws into the boy's shirt and held on as if both of their lives depended on it. In a few moments though, the cat was thrown out into the garden, and the stretcher was safely brought in.

The young doctor called for a couple of nurses and told them everything that had to be done, starting with bathing the patient and finishing with taking him to the ward that was prepared and helping him to eat. "I'll start the treatment tomorrow," Lavi mumbled, motioning the nurses to get going. "First we need to know exactly how the patient's state is and then fix it." He looked at the file, appearing somewhat in thought, and went to his office.

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_June 26, 1882_

_It's strange. It's very strange._

_Over a week had passed, and we managed to fix the patient up a bit - physically, at least. However, I can't seem to get any response from him. His look remains just as empty no matter how close the light is moved, he doesn't even flinch as I slam two wooden cubes together right next to his ear. Like the flames of the fire had burnt out all of his senses. And at the same time, he doesn't seem harmed to me. It must be the decease that's keeping him isolated, and I am going to find a cure for that. Right now unfortunately, all we can think of is small portions of morphine daily, and it doesn't seem to affect him at all._

_Last week we received what was left of the family's property - an old Japanese sword that seems to be hand-crafted, and a toy rabbit. The toy is terribly worn off and it has only one eye. I put it in the patient's ward, maybe something from familiar environment can make him feel better. The sword I'm keeping in my office; if he ever leaves - wait, what am I saying? Of course I am going to find a cure! - WHEN he leaves, he'll probably want to take it, but there are strict rules about any sharp things within patient's rules, and I must say they might be not strict enough for some cases. We don't even serve knives with food, and I think I don't need to explain why when I am working at an asylum for mental cases._

_I've looked through everything what I could possibly find about the accident, but the information is very poor. The papers only stated that the family was Japanese immigrants, peaceful people and liked by neighbours. Their teenage son was attending the local school. He wasn't a very good student, nor a very bad one - your typical average family. The family also had a daughter, who was supposed to enter school the following year. Who could have meant harm to them? Generally, nothing important. However, there's also a mention of address. I think I can try to write or call to one of the neighbours - hopefully they're still living there - and find out a bit more._

_If I'm ever to get into the depth's of this case's soul where he has himself locked in, I need to know as much as possible about him._

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Kanda was laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling with a lifeless gaze. His one arm was bandaged, but otherwise he didn't seemed to be harmed. His eyes were open, but he didn't see anything. His ears were uncovered, but he didn't hear anything. His mouth was free, but he didn't talk. He had shut the world out, because the world had done the same to him. He didn't really care if he was alive or dead. To him, all that was around was a huge, swallowing nothingness.

_Yu... run ... get out of the house! You have to get out ... Don't care about us... Yu.. please... Nii-san... leave me..._

He could hear their voices, ringing over and over again. It was the only thing he could hear during those two years. Why was he the one to survive? He didn't know the answer, nor he wanted to find it. He couldn't bear to keep thinking about it. So he simply shut it out.

There was a storm outside, lightning flashing through the narrow window with bars, the sound of falling rain interrupted by thunder from time to time. But he didn't hear it, didn't see it, didn't even feel the coldness of the weather that would float into the room from the tiny corner of the window the nurse had left open. He kept looking at the dark ceiling, the silent child's voice still ringing on in his head.

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_August 16, 1882_

_There's still no progress. Of course, it shouldn't surprise me. It's not the only case of this kind that I have seen. Such a tragedy could affect anyone's mind._

_By the way, I'm already twenty. Even though I don't seem to have succeeded much in this particular case, gramps started treating me like I'm somebody. Finally._

_I have came into contact with one of the neighbours, Mrs. Jenkins. I'll never be able to understand how mid-aged women can remember so much and so little of value. To cut it short, after two hours of tea drinking and looking at cat pictures, I found out this much:_

_o The family had just celebrated their son's 16th birthday when the tragedy happened. That would make him around 18 right now._

_o Seems the arson was an act of some racistically intolerant people from the very same block - naturally, they were never caught and none of such organizations claimed the responsibility. It wasn't the only house that was burning that night; however, more casualties were prevented except for an old Chinese couple who were living in another end of the town. The curious thing, they might have been related with the Kanda family; unfortunately, no further information was provided._

_o The ambulance and firemen say that young Kanda got out of the burning house himself, carrying his little sister. He also had an old family's sword. However, the girl was already burned beyond saving and died in minutes. The young man collapsed moments after handing her to the medics; after hearing the sad news, he reached out to her but lost consciousness and only managed to grab a toy of hers. The medics thought it would be cruel not to let him keep it...and he never fully woken up ever since, though his wounds were treated._

_And this is it. She couldn't tell me no first names, no school, no numbers of any other witnesses. Well I guess I should be thankful for this as well, but I still feel like it's taking me nowhere._

_We decreased the dose of morphine, and the patient doesn't seem to notice. I'm beginning to think that whatever his decease is, doesn't need this kind of medication. But what is it?_

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Over a year had passed since he came here. Nothing seemed to change; there was still medication and emptiness, and nothing else. The toy rabbit had travelled from the table onto Kanda's pillow, but it didn't seem to have much effect.

Storms were really often here, and this night was no different.

Kanda was silent as always, gazing up at the dark ceiling. The asylum wasn't quiet; howls and clanging of chains could be heard from time to time, sometimes interrupted by silent cries of those who had their madness intensified by the night.

When yet another lightning flashed and the room became bright, his eyes finally caught the glimpse of a rabbit's shadow on the wall. He mechanically turned his head and met the stare of a single button eye. He kept staring at it until it looked like the rabbit was starting to move.

After yet another lighting flashed and Kanda opened his eyes again, the rabbit was closer, almost if it had fallen from the pillow onto his shoulder. Even in a state like that, Kanda felt a chill go through his body. This was...very strange.

"Remember when we've seen each other last time?"

The voice sounded like the talker's throat was full of dust; it faintly echoed through the room and went silent. Kanda's eyes went wide. Did the rabbit actually...talk to him? The toy kept staring at him with its only eye-button, and now it seemed to have gotten even closer.

"Remember the story? Is it what keeps you here?"

After another white flash, Kanda's consciousness was gone again. He just thought he remembered the rabbit suddenly growing huge, filling all of the room, and then falling down, down, down into a bottomless well until he hit the ground.

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_September 11, 1883_

_I'm not sure if I can call it a progress, but... After almost three years in the coma-like numb, the patient suddenly seems strangely alive. I can swear that I saw his eyes following me as I walked across the room to close the window. And when I sat down and filled in the daily journal... when I finished and raised my head, he was staring at me. I'm not sure if he's seeing me, nor what is he seeing, but it definitely is a step forward._

_Autumn is here. It's his second autumn here, and I feel a bit sorry for him. This time of year is rather depressing, and here, behind those thick walls, time only seems to pass more slowly. The only positive thing about it is, I doubt the patient has any idea about the time's passing._

_Sometimes I wonder if God punishes the ones too gifted; I don't remember seeing anyone this...well, pleasant to look at, despite some females of course. It's a shame._

_No, really, now I'm _positive _he's staring at me. As if I had green skin or bunny ears or something. I have to go check with the nurse what she was giving him. But still...any kind of change is a progress in this case._

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**End Chapter**

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Not too long, yes. These chappies will be short. I'm awaiting feedback and hoping to continue this soon.


	2. Pandemonium

**AN: **Oh my. Why do I tend to write so much madness and angst nowadays?... it's making me depressed. That or I'm really sick. Oh well. Whatever.

I can't promise how frequently this will be updated, but if I finish it, I'll be ready to write more long stories. I need to overcome ... lazyness? Who knows.

I'm sick this week, by the way...PITY ME! lol.

Also, **important: **I am aware that some of the scene changes doesn't really connect; this is because the Wonderland story is a product of schizophrenic effects caused by drugs. So yes, it's supposed to be that way. I hope it doesn't get in the way of the fic being enjoyable. :3 AND YES, THE MADNESS STARTS NOW!

To _Digital Eon_: I feel bad about Yuki too...but for someone like Kanda to lose will to live, something pretty horrible had to happen, right? D: Anyway... Glad you liked it.

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**Chapter II : Pandemonium**

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Demons, blood, and fire all around. The choking state of consciousness, entwined with the weird demonic shapes of supernatural creatures, sinking him deeper and deeper, until all the passing chaos stopped and he found himself at the bottom of the well.

Kanda stared at what looked like the White Rabbit, that was gazing back at him with its only eye. No, he noticed as he narrowed his eyes, in fact it was the plush rabbit that belonged to his sister and the one that he was sure he saw not so long ago in a strange room with bars on the window and a white-dressed man. The same rabbit... Now it looked about three times bigger; its ears reached up to Kanda's shoulder.

"So you're finally here," the creature said. Its voice no longer was dusty; more like...human, and Kanda was sure he had heard it a lot lately, though he wasn't sure when and how exactly. It must have been something from the environment that he was paying no attention to.

"What...is this place." Kanda muttered as he looked around. It seemed like some kind of cave. He only now noticed that he was still laying down where he had fallen and got up. Everything around felt unnatural and somewhat...not real, but he was getting used to it.

"If you knew, would this whole thing have a point?" the Rabbit asked, tilting its head. "It could be home, for you. Or it could be reality. Or a dream. Or, " he took a pocket-watch out of his pants and it immediately turned into an eye-patch with a light tinging sound, and he put it on where he lacked an eye, suddenly looking even more familiar than before, "it could be your mind...it all depends on you, actually."

Kanda widened his eyes, then frowned a bit. At one point he noticed that he had the family sword strapped to his side, what was all the more surprising, but not as surprising as the rabbit, who now was wearing not only a patch, but a shirt, a jacket, a pair of tights and a top-hat.

"Is something wrong?" the Rabbit's voice suddenly sounded different, and for a moment Kanda thought he saw frames of a room around him and felt like he was laying down, a red-haired man in a white coat leaned over him with a light concerned frown, - but it all disappeared in a moment. "You keep looking at me this way."

The boy shook his head and sighed. "Why am I here?"

"You have to find that out," the Rabbit said happily, "And mind you, you do want that more than anything or anyone. So I suggest you get going, because - oh dear! We're so late already!"

He hopped up and ran down the narrow hallway so fast that Kanda only barely managed to see him turning behind a corner. "Stupid hare," he grumbled, clenching the sword's hilt a bit tighter and walking down the path after.

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The doctor looked down at his patient with a bit of concern. Just now he thought he saw the latter's eye twitching a little, even though otherwise he was still as lifeless as during the last years. However, whether it was good or bad it was still too early to tell.

"Nurse?"

One of the nurses that were nearby ran to the voice and carefully opened the door, peeking inside. "Yes, doctor?"

"Have you changed the dosage since last time I've asked you about it?"

"No, sir."

Lavi scratched his head, narrowing his eyes a bit. "Of course," he muttered under his nose, "I might just be awesome like that.. but there has to be a logical explanation for this." He added a bit louder, "You may go, nurse," and sat back down, ready to record any kind of motion or awareness he could spot in the person on the bed.

During that year he'd been sitting here almost every day, he'd gathered some kind of sympathy towards the last Kanda. His case was so similar to many others here, and yet the pain of losing one's family is always great. The young Bookman didn't have any memory of his parents, but he decided it would make him feel sad to think about them if he did. ..Not to mention that compared to most of the cases, this patient was quite attractive and pleasant to look at, despite the sickly atmosphere surrounding him.

_I wish I knew what's going through his head,_ the doctor thought sadly as he looked at the silent figure next to him.

Kanda breathed evenly, drowsing in a long slumber caused by the mix of morphia and lithium, not knowing or caring where he was nor what was happening.

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_December 21, 1883_

_Things had come to a still once again. From time to time, I catch the patient following me with his eyes, but there's nothing more than that. I still don't think changing the lithium dosage would be a good idea...it might be risky. Sure, he doesn't have any known family, but this is a matter of principle now. I am not going to give up after all the effort I put into his case._

_I think we could try water procedures. It does no harm, but can be strangely effective. Also, I'm thinking of letting him have a walk in the orangeria - well, having a walk isn't the exactly fitting term; the nurses would sit him there and let him be for a while. Even if he doesn't seem to register anything, I believe it would be good; quite a lot of patients feel better after being taken to the garden or, in winter, the flower hall._

_There has been so many strange happenings here lately. One of our best and most caring nurses, who just recently came here and had only dealt with a few patients this far, tried to commit a suicide a couple of days ago and now is hospitalized herself. I believe she had lost her family a while ago as she claimed to be coming from an orphanage, she looks a little bit like Kanda but I'm afraid to ask anything due to her current condition. I think I'll have to wait. However it's funny how alike their stories are; I believe her family had died in a fire too. Yet here we have a young woman who managed to get where she is now before getting the setback - maybe stress caused it? - and here we have a young man who seems completely incapacitated by what happened to him. However, he doesn't seem like a weak person, so what is it?.._

_Christmas is near, though I can't tell that it will be much different from any other day here. Maybe some patients will get visitors, and that's about it. For us, it's just another working day, and when the shifts change, we get to go home and have some burnt pudding or something. I feel a bit sorry for those imprisoned here, but after all, it's for the good of their own and society, and we are doing everything in our power to help them._

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The dark cave was suddenly gone, and Kanda found himself walking down a garden path. He blinked and looked around, but he couldn't see the Rabbit anywhere. _Did the damn creature run off? _he thought, frowning at the hedges and decorative pebbles surrounding small fountains and a whole lot of beautiful flowers. He had always have a soft spot for plants; he always took care of their small garden back home but this was a lot bigger one, and he decided to walk into it and look around, hopefully finding someone who wasn't as crazy as the Rabbit who could explain properly what the hell was this place - or at least show him the way.

However, the closer he went to ornamented metal gate, the bigger it become, together with the whole garden, and when he finally reached it, he found that he could perfectly well get in through the gate's ornaments without ever opening it - actually, he wasn't sure he _could_, as it was now around three times taller than him.

_"...Then she set to work nibbling at the mushroom - she had kept a piece of it in her pocket - till she was about a foot high; and then - she found herself at last in the beautiful garden, among the bright flower-beds and the cool fountains_."

_It's absurd, _Kanda thought, frowning, stopping on the sand path and looking back at the gate, _It's just like that tale...but why me?_

He continued walking forwards, now a little bit more cautiously as the huge flowers were casting shadows that could equal ones of a tree, and he really didn't want to meet the Gardener, if there was one. That guy must have been a fucking giant.

"What are you doing out there?" suddenly a proud but silky voice asked from above, and Kanda jumped in surprise, turning to look up where a huge red blossom was swaying in the wind. He tried to imagine how it would look a hundred times smaller and then it hit him - he was standing next to a rose bush.

"What?" he asked, confused and looking around.

"What are you doing out of the garden-bed?" Now it was no doubt that the voice was coming from the biggest rose bud which now had a face, and was looking down at Kanda with light scorn. The boy rubbed his eyes and stared up at it, wondering what the hell it meant if a flower was talking to him.

"What do you mean -- Are you TALKING to me?.." Well, if this was some crazy hallucination, the least he could do was participate in it.

The rose seemed to be slightly offended. "Do you see any other Rose there besides you?" she asked.

Kanda blinked, failing to follow. "I'm not a flower," he said solemnly and glared up at the bud.

"Of course you are, silly," the Rose shuddered lightly in what appeared to be giggling. "Look at yourself; you're proud and you have a spike, like every proper Rose does."

Kanda raised his eyebrows so high that they hid behind his fringe. "It's called a sword," he finally answered, having guessed what was the 'spike' the flower was referring to. "And for the last time, I'm not a rose. Do you even see anything red on me?"

The bud swayed a little, apparently thinking. "It's true, your petals are black and all down, therefore you must be sick," it finally said half with disgust, half sympathetically. "Is it a virus or fungi?"

Kanda twitched heavily and stepped over the fence towards the rose, unsheathing the sword. "Call me a flower or anything nasty again," he growled, "and I'll cut your filthy roots off, you damned thing."

The Rose widened its eyes and silenced. Its petals paled, gaining a creamy white color instead of the previous red. "And you hurt the ones close to you, dear," it whispered, "That's what Roses do when you try to touch them.."

Kanda stared up at the flower for a few moments with his sword raised. Hurt the ones close to you...did he ever do that? Was the fire his fault after all? He kept the lamp on for so late, he could have fallen asleep at the table and accidentally kick it onto the terrace or something. And he didn't manage to help...

He felt something heavy and cold clench his insides, and he slowly sheathed the sword, lowering his head and quickly walking away without another word.

::

Like usually, Lavi walked in to check on the patient. Nothing has changed for over a year and half, even if small, very small signs such as moving of the patient's eyes did change that from time to time. Today however, he was met by something completely new.

An ugly cat, almost only bones and fur, was sitting on Kanda's chest, looking absolutely contented. ..Wild cats jumping on immobile patients was never a good thing, though there was no blood or anything, the cat was purring, and the sight was almost idyllic, eerily so. "Hey!" the doctor called out, rushing towards the patient, who looked as lifeless as ever, not even feeling the presence of an animal on top of him. The cat turned towards Lavi, hissing, and for a moment he thought he saw something that looked like a smile on its scabby face, and then with impossible lightness it jumped off the bed and out through the open window. Being this scrawny, it easily squeezed its way through the bars, it had to be how it got in in the first place. Who could have left the window opened though? Even if Kanda didn't seem to feel the cold..

Lavi closed the window, and, after making sure the patient was unharmed, took his leave.

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_January 3, 1884_

_Incredible. After all that time the patient spent not moving a hair, apparently he had a flash of clear mind. When I came here this morning, he was drawing a picture in one of my journal pages, using my pencil that I had left here the previous day. He was sitting up, like nothing had happened, but he didn't seem to see or notice me and didn't react to anything I said. When he was done, he simply layed back down and fell asleep again, and now I'm looking at a rather nice pencil-draft - though I can't say he's particularly good in drawing, there's something strange in that picture. It's a flower...looks like a rose, to be exact. Half-white and half-colored, supposedly red, and there's something leaking out of it onto the ground. As if the color is dripping out of it and it's turning white that way; the most curious thing is that it seems to be grown over a sword. Now that I look at it, it somehow looks at me like it's blood running out of the flower, and it's scary. I wonder what exactly is going through his mind... But apparently, he can move, and see, and that's already progress, and I'm both happy about it yet scared of just what is the world he's living in. He hadn't woken up since yet, but it couldn't have been a coincidence. I'm sure I'm heading in the right course, apparently this new treatment is effective._

_...Actually, I'll take back what I said a couple of weeks ago. It's not just principle...I WANT to cure him, I can't explain it. I don't understand, but otherwise these years will just seem so empty._

_His second year here is coming by...the winter holidays went past rather peacefully, but what could one expect here? Sometimes I think the atmosphere of this place is getting to me..or maybe I just feel sentimental about it; practically my whole life was connected with the Black Order. It's a strange feeling._

_A new worker has come to the Black Order. Komui Lee, and from what I understood, he's a brother of the ex-nurse that is now under our care. Apparently they had both survived the fire without knowing anything about each other, and were looking for one another this whole time. Komui Lee apparently has been arrested or hospitalized several times and only now got here. He's a bit...strange. I'm rather surprised someone this wacky wasn't hospitalized here as well, but I heard that he's a genius chemist. We could use some new serums, that's true, but I'd definitely feel awkward talking to him so I hope I won't have much business with him. By the way, I heard that the nurse - whose name is Lenalee by the way, and she is such a pleasant young lady - got better immediately after seeing him; she hadn't yet been released though. She's under the care of another young doctor - a sanitar, for now -, and I think he's really concerned about her. It's funny actually; Mr. Walker seems to not understand all the aspects of a doctor's profession. You must always remain uninvolved. Always._

_The patient is keeping perfectly still; I shouldn't be surprised by this by now, should I?_

_Strange...before he looked somewhat sad, but right now I could swear I saw a flash of a smile in his eyes. And then it was gone again... I wish I knew what is it that makes him react; if only...If only._

::

"Are you the Gardener?"

Kanda raised his eyes and saw a bunch of camomiles over his head. Surprisingly to even himself, he wasn't really shocked this time. "No," he answered simply.

"But you have a shovel."

Kanda frowned and looked down; indeed he was holding a shovel in one hand. He couldn't tell when he picked it up, but it must have at some point while he was walking past those flowers. And once again he didn't get all surprised at holding something he had no idea he did; maybe he was getting used to this strange world, or maybe he didn't care.

The ground around the camomiles seemed very hard; almost as if it was stomped on by an elephant; the flowers would wail silently from time to time about their shoes hurting their feet - what was most likely the roots, Kanda assumed - but they didn't say or ask anything, just sighed silently when the wind would blow.

He didn't know why he did it, and even later he didn't understand what called for such an act of kindness, but then he stepped over the fence and started digging around the camomiles, softening the layer of dirt. The monotonic sound of shovel connecting to the ground made him shudder and was somewhat relaxing at the same time; for a moment he suddenly thought if it would feel the same way if he was digging himself a grave, but managed to shove that thought aside with another portion of dirt.

Some time passed; he felt somewhat calmed down as he finally tossed the shovel aside and looked up at the closest Camomile.

"You'd make a great Gardener," it said sheepishly; it was very shy. "Our current one can be a bit mean. You're a good person, aren't you?"

Kanda was about to reply something - the Camomile was a lot more to his liking than the Rose -, but he noticed a familiar white tail flash between the bushes and ran towards it, hoping to catch the crazy bunny and have him explain everything properly.

::

Kanda once again was laying still, staring up at the ceiling. A couple of days had passed, but of course he didn't know it. Lavi was dozing off in a chair next to him before suddenly nodding and coming to. He looked at the patient both with sympathy and pity; he looked so lonely for some reason.

"Don't worry," the redhead muttered. "I'll have you up and going in no time." He didn't quite believe it was 'no time', but otherwise he fullheartedly wished his words were true. A bit hesitantly, he patted Kanda's hand, picked up his journal and got up, heading for the door.

As he was opening it, he glanced back, and in the faint light that came through the window he thought he saw Kanda's eyes glittering in the dark and locking on him with an almost frightened expression. He thought that maybe leaving him alone wasn't such a good idea and wondered if he should ask someone to spend the night shift in the ward as well; but when he looked at the patient again he seemed to be peacefully asleep. So the doctor simply shrugged and left, locking the door.

::

Kanda cursed as the Rabbit disappeared from his sight. As he continued down the garden's path, he eventually walked into an old tree-stump and wasn't even that surprised to find a door there - really tiny door, to be exact, but it was just about the right size for him to get through. Maybe the bunny hid here? He looked back at the beautiful green garden and then back at the old door, and pulled the door handle.

Nothing happened. it was completely dark inside and Kanda couldn't see a thing, especially not when he had just came out of the bright sun.

He stepped forwards - a mistake. In moments, he found himself falling down what seemed to be a mole's tunnel, tumbling over and falling face-first into the dirt at the bottom.

When he opened his eyes, he saw that he was in some sort of an underground chamber, enlightened by torches embedded into the walls. It was giving out some sort of red light, and he didn't feel comfortable there at all; he tried to look for an exit, but he couldn't even find the hole he had fallen in through.

The chamber's ceiling was fading into the distance far up where the light didn't reach; it somehow resembled a church despite the eerie feeling it was giving out, and Kanda felt a chill run through him. He started walking another round by the wall, looking for some kind of door or window but found none, and headed towards the center of the room.

Only now he noticed a column of shadows twirling in the middle of the chamber. He walked closer to it, and now he could actually hear silent voices coming from there, thousands of them. The room was cold, full of red light and whispers coming from the shadowy figures, and it was creepy. For a moment, he thought about captured dreams, but mentally slapped himself for thinking of something like that and reached out, trying to touch it.

Some kind of eerie vibrations went through the chamber as he did so, and he stepped backwards. The shadows scattered, looking somewhat angered, dancing faster and encircling him, their voices getting louder.

_It was you, you couldn't save her, go, save her, you couldn't..._

_You smelled the smoke, you careless child, but you never got up...you didn't want to warn them, did you?_

_It's your fault, and you know it, your fault, your fault..._

Kanda widened his eyes, stepping further backwards. Why did everything have to remind him of that horrible day? And why couldn't he just die already, or was this death? Why couldn't he get over it and live a normal life without being tormented by guilt every waking moment? He tried to push the ghosts away, but his hands only touched the air, and then he saw it. A white shape of a little girl that was reaching out to him and calling him.

He couldn't believe his eyes, for a moment forgetting where he was, his heart lighting up at the sound of the familiar child's voice,and he stepped forwards, wanting to touch her, and pick her up...and then suddenly the room went cold and the lights went out; fire burst from behind the girl and she turned black, becoming a some sort of a mummy but her eyes still were bright, and looked at Kanda from within the flames. Her breath had become gurgling, and she slowly raised one hand that now was mere bones and arteries, whispering words of blame and curse...

He didn't even remember when he started shouting, but he did, closing his eyes and grabbing his head, he almost begged the ghouls to stop, to leave him alone, but they didn't listen. He felt something cold go up his chest, what he supposed was the feeling of death, and then there was pain in his arm, and everything went black.

::

* * *

::

**End Chapter**

::

Not freaked out yet?... GOOD. Reviews an CC are apprecciated; see you on the next update.


	3. Burning Curiosity

**AN: **Less Lavi and Kanda interaction this time, but don't worry, it will be compensated soon enough. :3 We get to see a bit more of Allen and Lenalee this time.

Also, Thebes, thanks for the tips, I tried to add a bit more surroundings. Hope it worked.

Thanks Digi, and no, there will be more real-persons-turned-Wonderland-creatures, just you wait. One at a time. :D

Anyway, here's the third update.

::

* * *

::

**Chapter III : Burning Curiosity  
**

::

When Kanda opened his eyes, he was out of the dungeon, laying on the green grass under the blue sky, and an old Mole was leaning over him with a caring smile. It had glasses on its nose and was wearing a checked jacket, but Kanda was too shocked to be surprised at something like that. He just managed to think that the Mole looked surprisingly a lot like his old drawing teacher, who his mother posed for when she was young and who later became his Godfather but then had to move away. He started to wonder where was he now, but the Mole's low, warm voice interrupted his thoughts.

"You shouldn't go there alone, my child. The chamber of demons is a dangerous place. I'm sorry I left it unlocked."

Kanda looked at the creature weakly, but didn't say anything.

"It will be alright now," the Mole muttered. "I asked the Butterfly to bite you, his saliva helps those who had encountered demons." He saw Kanda's grateful look and added, "Your welcome, child. I'll come round later to see how you do, alright? I need to finish that tunnel until tomorrow."

Kanda nodded, watching the Mole scurry off, and then turned his eyes to the Butterfly that was flustering above him. The Butterfly suddenly grew bigger and landed beside Kanda, taking off what looked like a small trunk from his face and now looking almost human. His part that he had taken off now looked like a syringe.

"How are you feeling?" the Butterfly asked, its voice was awfully familiar but Kanda couldn't remember where he heard it. He slowly sat up, looking at the insect and trying to remember what it reminded him of, but failing.

"Fine," he muttered with a light nod of appreciation.

Butterfly tilted its head a little, "You keep looking at me in a strange way, is something wrong?" it asked, its voice now sounding somewhat...tiny, as it apparently started to become smaller again.

"Insects don't talk where I come from," Kanda muttered, rubbing his head and noticing that the images of the fire seemed to be fading. However, now for some reason he suddenly recalled a random part of the story he'd read to her...

* * *

_" "What sort of insects do you rejoice in, where _you_ come from?" the Gnat inquired. _

_"I don't _rejoice_ in insects at all," Alice explained, "because I'm rather afraid of them - at least the large kinds. But I can tell you the names of some of them."_

_"Of course they answer to their names?" the Gnat remarked carelessly._

_"I never knew them do it."_

_"What's the use of having names," the Gnat said, "if they won't answer to them?"_

_"No use to _them_," said Alice; "but it's useful to the people that name them, I suppose. If not, why do things have names at all?"_

_"I can't say," the Gnat replied. "Further on, in the wood down there, they've got no names --" "_

_

* * *

_

That's right...name. He had a name. At the moment however, he found it extremely difficult to remember.

"Do you have a name?" he suddenly asked the Butterfly out of the blue, not listening to what it was replying about non-talking insects being either terribly proud or terribly stupid.

It's sad not to have a name, he thought. It's almost like you don't exist, just worse, because you actually have to get through all the suffering and yet to anyone else, you're not there...an empty space that can feel.

The insect, that now was only a couple times bigger than its normal size, tilted its antennas curiously. "Of course," it answered, "Here I'm named Butterfall. However, beyond that hedge, my name would already be different, and different once again if I flew out of the Garden..."

"Butter-what?" Kanda repeated solemnly, not listening to the rest of the explanation. "Look, apparently I have lots to do." He tried to get up, but his legs have in and he was really displeased to find that he was still trembling. Those damn ghouls really got to him, apparently. It was pathetic.

"You shouldn't go just yet," the Butterfly said. "But be sure, we all want you to win this battle. All who care about you, that is...even if you think you have no one left."

"Battle?" Kanda repeated, staring at the insect surprised, but got no answer as it shrunk again and flustered away, carelessly licking random flowers.

::

"He should be fine now," Komui Lee said, removing the syringe and bandaging Kanda's arm. The boy was laying completely still again, though just a few minutes before he was tossing, turning and shouting at what seemed to be either pain or fear. Doctor was standing in the side, looking at them both with wide eyes.

"What just happened?" Lavi finally asked silently. "Not a psychosis...not an attack. What could it be?"

The pharmacst shook his head. "A nightmare, who knows? I thought morphea didn't cause such dreams. Anyway, this serum should keep him calmer for a while, and hopefully it will help.."

Lavi didn't answer; he was looking at the patient and then at the pharmacist, and then back. Komui seemed to be looking at Kanda with sort of deep sympathy, what was a little strange. This new personnel has only recently joined the Black Order's ranks; he haven't really even talked to him yet, though he already knew this was the brother of the black-haired nurse that was still being hospitalized. Only now Lavi noticed that the Lees seemed indeed of Asian features, and an idea blinked in his head. "Mr. Lee, do you know this boy by any chance?"

It was a very, very bad idea to ask this particular man about anything family-related, but there was no choice. "He's my cousin," the pharmacist said with both some kind of pride and sadness, "I had no idea he was alive until now...Dear me. Oh, if only my little dear Lenalee knew he was here, she wouldn't have --"

* * *

_"Lenalee?"_

_"Yes, that's her name. I'm looking after her, you know?" The white-haired sanitar looked at Lavi with a tired smile, looking back into the ward through slightly opened door. "She's getting better. I'm so glad her brother finally came."_

_"Er.." Lavi muttered, not really wanting to bring up why exactly Komui didn't show up earlier, "Right. Have she told you anything else about the fire? I'm sorry if I seem cruel, but I care about information as well. I... _am_ glad to hear she's doing better."_

_"Well..." Walker seemed to think for a moment, putting a finger to his chin, "She said that she lost both her cousins and her brother, and that's why she..." He didn't seem to be able to finish the sentence. Lavi looked at him with reproach; the younger guy wasn't supposed to get so emotional over his patient._

_"Apparently her brother is alive. Was she close to her cousins too? If she had kept in touch with them, would have she not tried to commit suicide?"_

_Walker looked at Lavi almost angrily. "How can you ask such questions so easily?" he protested. "It was a miracle that Mr. Lee found her."  
"Right; sorry. So was she?"_

_"Yes, she was. She mentioned that she 'sort of' had another big brother, but she never told me his name. And I didn't push her, why would I?"  
Lavi nodded, smiling sympathetically. "Of course. No need to stir such memories." The other nodded shortly. "Thanks, Allen."_

_"It's alright. I'm going back now."_

_"But your shift is over." Even though they had studied together at some point, Lavi could never fully figure the guy out. Especially why would he work overtime instead of sleeping._

_"The nurse hadn't come yet and I don't want her to be alone."_

_Lavi raised an eyebrow skeptically but then nodded, watching a tall apparently Chinese man leave the ward, being almost dragged out by a pair of sanitars. "Alright."_

_

* * *

_

As he heard the astonishing revelation out of Komui Lee's lips, Lavi widened his eyes a bit; just the luck that he finally found alive relatives of the Kanda family, and yet just the luck that the person was extremely difficult to talk to. Finally, _finally _he was getting somewhere. "Well, does he have a name?"

"Kanda Yu. Lenalee's best friend --"

"Thank you," Lavi said quickly and lead the Lee - whose eyes were already sparkling as always when he talked about his sister - out of the ward.

He looked back over his shoulder at sleeping Kanda, wondering just what kind of demons were haunting him. _So it's Kanda Yu, _he thought.

::

_January 5, 1884_

_I have no idea if we made a mistake in waking him up from his world...but I certainly hope it is not the case and we are on the right path._

_Today, practically out of nowhere, the boy - whose name I now know thanks to that Komui Lee guy, turns out it's Kanda _Yu_ - was sleeping and then suddenly started screaming as if he was being killed or if thousands of knives were being stabbed into him repeatedly. He looked terribly scared - or was it anger, or sadness, I can't exactly tell what emotion it was, but it was horrible. I got him an emergency shot and called for the nurse and the head pharmacist; now the patient is calm again though I can't tell if it's the cold compress, or the medicine. Now he looks peaceful, but what was happening to him just a few hours ago? I can't tell._

_I so wish I knew what kind of demons are haunting him; I can only guess that it has to do with his past but I know nothing exactly. If only I knew that; maybe I would be able to do something about it? But seeing as he progressed this far, I actually have hope once again. Maybe soon I'll be able to really help him._

_I tried to talk with Mr. Lee again, but he refused to talk and left, saying that he had business in town. He was holding an envelope, from what I've seen it's being sent into a foreign country, but I didn't manage to get anything out of him. The man is a loony, but he's truly gifted in chemistry. I have no idea what our director was thinking while hiring him - and he, the director I mean of course, Komui practically doesn't leave his sister's ward, - doesn't visit the asylum too often, either. _

_I heard he should come again this week - I wonder what will he have to say about this little case. He already showed his competence by hiring a bunch of his relatives who honestly do nothing but pick their noses all day if someone doesn't give them a command. No, honestly, our director must be the biggest clown around here!_

::

"Sooo, Mr. Walker. How is the little princess doing?"

"What's with the sudden formality, Lavi?" Allen snapped lightly. He was walking down the hallway, eating a sandwich and seemed to be in a hurry. The redhead smiled again.

"I'm trying to get promoted here, Allen. I need information on all the cases I can manage to get."

"She's well," Allen muttered, frowning a bit and looking down with a frown.

"Hey, don't talk with your mouth full," Lavi said as cheerfully as if they were back in school and were having a chat during a break. "Good news, maybe she'll be registered out soon."

Walker's frown darkened a bit; he heard Komui mention that he didn't want his sister working in such a place and that they should move away once it was over.

"Ah." Lavi tilted his head, "Shouldn't you be happy? It shows you're getting better, maybe you'll be a real doctor soon." He hardly kept himself from flicking his younger friend's nose, but he knew that if Gramps saw him doing that, he would immediately be sent back to kindergarden or something. He had a reputation to keep.

Walker nodded stiffly, then tried to change the topic. "I heard you're really into that difficult case of yours," he said.

The redhead immediately tensed. "Well, it _is _ difficult," he said carefully. "I have to do what I can."

"And how is it going this far? The patient -- Kan...how was it?"

"Kanda." Lavi's look was serious but his look seemed to sadden for a brief moment. "He's still out of it, but he has these strange...wakings, one might say. He seems to be in coma but one day he went and drew me a picture in my journal." He sweatdropped.

"What? Just like that? That's....odd." Allen looked at him surprised, then narrowed his eyes as something hit him. "You were asleep during work," he said carefully. "That's against the number one rule of mental asylums. _**Never**__ turn your back to the patient, now matter how harmless he may seem_. If he can wake up, he also could have--"

"The rule, it doesn't exactly state anything about _sleep_, does it?" Lavi tried to turn it to a joke.

"Lavi..."

"Right. Don't tell Gramps about it, alright? I'd be so screwed."

Walker sweatdropped lightly and muttered "Of course," before getting back to eating.

Lavi nodded gratefully, then tapped his chin. "Say, wasn't the Director supposed to come today?"

He shouldn't have asked.

"Aaaaaalleeeeen!" a cheerful voice sang, and a teenage fluffy-skirted girl happily jumped onto the young sanitar with white hair, giving him a crushing hug.

The Director, a tall and rather chubby man with a smile who was walking right after, looked at her warmly before saying "Let go of Mr. Walker, Road," in a particularly loving tone. The girl pouted and stuck her tongue out, but finally let go. She was around sixteen from her looks, but her whole behavior showed that she didn't have a care in the world.

"Oh, Mr. Director," Lavi said a little too happily, "there is something about one of the patients that I think you would be interested to hear."

"Do you like him that much, dear?" Director asked, completely ignoring the redhead.

"What do you think?" the girl grinned, throwing her arms around Walker again, but her smile seemed a little creepy.

"Mr. Director, I really think --"

"Now come on Road, don't be so pushy, you see that the young man is embarrassed."

"But I _want_ to," the girl pouted, letting Allen out of her grip.

The white-haired man smiled a bit awkwardly, though the corner of his lips seemed to twitch. "I have work," he muttered and was gone so soon that no one even managed to see where he went.

Lavi coughed.

"As I _was_ saying, Mr. Millenium," he said, still trying to keep his formal smile on but his tone now was similar to hissing, "There was some progress with a curious case and I --"

"Laaaavi," Road chirped, flinging her arm around the doctor's shoulder. Meanwhile the Diretor was yawning and looking at the pictures on the wall distractedly. "Let me play a doctor~"

"It's not a game!" Lavi yelled at the girl finally losing his patience. The spoiled granddaughter of the director was known to have sent several homeless patients to the grave by playing with syringes and medication, and as a doctor, he didn't find it amusing at all.

"Oh come on, no one cares about those crazy lonely people anyway~"

Lavi took her arm off himself with disgust. "AS I WAS SAYING, Director, I think you should see something."

The Director seemed to be having trouble with focusing his attention.

::

_January 12, 1884_

_As predicted, the Director visited yesterday, and of course he brought his beloved granddaughter with. Luckily, from what I know, she wasn't given any equipment this time - but probably only because they were staying this short. She's so cruel that it's out of the norm of what's normal - but once again, here shows the director's incompetence which I can do nothing about. I hope Gramps becomes the director one day; he might be strict but at least he has the sense of honor about the healer's job. And he doesn't let his _psychotic_ relatives kill the patients for their amusement._

_The Director seemed to be bored all the time while checking out the patients and talking with the doctors supervising them; he yawned through half of my speech about Yu-- Kanda's progress and seemed eager to leave without ever even looking at him. But when I showed him that drawing the patient had made... the Director focused his attention back almost immediately, as if someone would have poked his fat ass with a red-hot piece of iron._

_He was somewhat agitated when he left._

::

"How are you feeling today, Miss Lee?" the white-haired sanitar smiled as he walked into the sunny ward. This room didn't have bars in the windows; instead there were thin satin curtains on it, everything to make the room brighter and warmer.

The depression ward.

The girl laying on the bed smiled faintly, her arms were no longer tied to the bed, what used to be the case not so long ago. "Better, thank you," she answered, her tone soft and and a bit hoarse. "Where's Brother?"

"He's working right now." Allen sat down next to the bed, placing his journal on the table. "He'll be here at four, just like always. Since then, you can talk to me."

His sincere smile apparently made the girl calm down, and she nodded lightly, looking up at him. "You helped me so much," she muttered.

"It was nothing, really..."

Now their talks were happy and light-hearted, unlike before Komui Lee arrived. Then the girl would curse the world and humanity, and the God for taking away her family, and cry until she'd run out of tears, and...

Try to kill herself.

Allen frowned a little as he recalled those darker times; he was always as polite and caring as he was now, but now he was slightly relieved as he knew she would get free soon. At the same time, he was still a bit worried, he couldn't tell why - maybe because he didn't want to let her go away from the safe, bright ward, away from the walls....away from him.

::

Lavi sighed as he headed to Kanda's room. Even if he was making prescriptions and checking progress of several patients, Kanda was his priority and main focus due to the difficulty of the case. His other patients didn't really need too much special care -- the nurses were practically all that was needed -- while here, he was given the duty to watch over the patient himself. Not that he minded, actually, during the boring hours of manual work he almost looked forward to going into the black-haired boy's ward. It was always -- well, most often -- calm there, and he would just sit there listening to Kanda's breathing, waiting for any kind of motion or gesture that would signal a flash of consciousness. It was quite oppressing, but at the same time, he was feeling somewhat comfortable there, and he figured it was a good sign.

"Not talking today either, are you?" Lavi sighed.

No answer.

::

_January 21, 1884_

_The progress had stopped once again. Kanda - I have no idea but it just feels natural to start calling someone by name after spending two years in the same room, right? - had retreated to the depths of his soul again. At least that's how some more 'out-there' doctors would call it..._

_I wish I knew what demons were haunting him. I wish I could help him, right now, right this moment, because it's both upsetting and infuriating, not able to do anything like this. Once Miss Lee gets better, I'll have to ask her more about the Kandas, I know there must be a key point in there somewhere, something that will make Yu -- the subject open up again. It's already clear that his vision is unharmed; I'm pretty certain his hearing and and voice are intact too._

_I'm thinking I should resume trying to communicate with him, something we tried during first months but what never worked. Now I know that he _can _wake up if he wants to - or gets the right vibe to do so - and I am going to find it._

_This is killing me. I NEED to know. I must. In order to save him -- no, I care about a lot of people. It isn't exceptional. But still._

_I wish I knew..._

::

Kanda finally managed to get up, swearing creatively all the way from one tree to another, what was quite a good distance considering how small he was right now. He understood it perfectly too, and it was striking his ego in quite a bad way. He staggered forward, eventually getting back his strength and finding that he still had the sword with him what was good; but he never really saw where he was going.

Battle? What kind of battle? What was the crazy Butterfly talking about? Now that he thought about it, that insect was almost as crazy as his uncle - though he had no idea why he connected those two. He was supposed to win a battle what apparently was good for him and whoever-he-didn't-know-someone-else, but how the hell was he supposed to do that if he didn't even know what he was supposed to be fighting? What was the meaning of all of this anyway?...

He only snapped out of it when he heard the sound of a waterfall, and sudden coolness in the air told him that there was water close by. And quite a lot of it.

::

* * *

::

**End Chapter**

::

You'll find out who exactly the Mole is, and why he appeared like this later. :D As always, feedback and CC is highly welcomed!**  
**


	4. Pool Of Tears

**AN: **E-cookies to _glon morski _- yes, it was Tiedoll. X''D By the way, he's going to show up too eventually, and I don't care if it's a major plot no jutsu or something. :3

Also - yes, the quotes about Alice are from the original books, I didn't make them up.

So far so good; apparently I still haven't forgotten what I wanted to do with this~ Anyway, less talk more work, here is the new update!

OH! In case anyone's wondering, this AU has a slightly different age timeline; in **first** chapter, Lavi is 20, Kanda is 18, Allen is about 19, and Lenalee is a bit younger than Kanda (she only appears the next year or so, after she hits 18 and can work legally). _(Explanation to Digi: NOW, they're respectively 21, 19, 21, 19 - Lavi and Kanda turning 22 and 20 in a few months - but due to birthday differences Allen is like half year younger than Lavi and Lenalee is less than a year younger than Kanda. Just because. By March '85, they'll be 22/20 too.)_ The interesting part though, that the years I picked for Lavi and Kanda apparently quite suit them; knowing the DGM timeline, who knows, maybe one of those years is the canon for both of them! Check for yourselves (just take the spaces out):

http: //www. dgraydivinity. net/ forum/ 417555-post616. html

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**

* * *

**

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**Chapter IV : Pool of Tears**

::

Kanda looked around and found himself walking a stony path surrounded by grass - he figured it was grass, though it was a lot bigger than him - apparently already out of the garden, what he felt slightly disappointed about. The sound of falling water kept increasing as he walked, so he must have been getting closer to it.

A battle of mind...which he wants to win, even if he doesn't know anything of it yet.

He stopped as the path went straight into a small river and disappeared under the gurgling water.

_-- What?_

He looked around and spotted a narrow, sandy path alongside of the river. He didn't really know where he was going anyway, so he decided that wetting himself wasn't wise...and he wasn't too much of a swimmer either; so he turned and walked by the river, upstream, until he saw stony surroundings, and then when he got closer, something that looked a lot like a mountain lake.

He was born when his family had already moved to England, but he had a picture book about Japan, and the lake really reminded him of it. He once again felt some kind of unusual weight on his chest; he used to love picture books even when he grew bigger, and then he was saving them for his sister and his little cousin, two, in his opinion, most adorable creatures in the world, wanting them to see it and feel it too, the awe and the clear blue, and be able to imagine it in their dreams. And then... it was all gone.

Kanda stopped and bit his lip, inhaling shakily. Even though no one was there, he wasn't going to make such an act of weakness. However, the burning in his eyes was becoming too much, and he crouched next to the even-as-glass water surface to splash some on his face.

::

_February 19, 1884_

_Gramps had send me to get him this old manuscript on Phrenology - sometimes I think that he's up to something; lately he mentioned that he doesn't think this hospital is really of good qualification. Well, right now, I still have work here, so he can say what he wants. It took me over a week to get it and get back here, and yet Yu -- Kanda is just as lifeless as ever. I don't get it. He had woken up before! What is the key to all this? Oh but, in fact, there was a slight change. When I came into the ward first time after my abcense, his eyes were wide open, almost as if he was seeing something... I don't know, something amazing? It seems that it's quite nice wherever he is -- well, his soul is -- but I'm sure that he'd like to stay if he got back. After all, there are some good news for him -- his cousins are here._

_By the way, even if it was just a slight motion, seems that he had reacted to the sound of yet another person's voice. I asked Miss Lee to assist me as soon as she officially recovers - which is now only a matter of days, if I'm told right. Well, I guess, looking into her reasons, it's pretty clear that she won't attempt a suicide again, but there are still the security measures and papers and all that. No need to mention, Mr. Walker isn't particularly good in hiding his ...disappointment might not be the right word, I know he means well to her, but he'd definitely keep her restrained for the rest of her life only that he could see her, if you ask me. That guy is so obvious sometimes. Well, it's not really up to me to do anything about that; I hope they work it out._

::

"You heard me, brother. I said no!"

"B-b-but Lenalee!" Komui wailed, burying his face in her blanket. "I want you to be happy, to get away from here, to --"

The girl's eyes suddenly stopped flaring as she took her brother's hand gently. "But I am happy here - as long as you're with me," she said softly. "I want to help people, and I know you do too. There's a lot of them who lost their families as well, and we can do at least something for them. Besides...we need to help Kanda-kun."

The man raised his head, snerking a bit, and faint smile spread across his face. "That's my Lenalee," he muttered, petting her head lightly, "Always so caring and kind, and so loving..." and he broke into crying again.

"Brother..." she sighed, but then just laughed a little. "You never change..."

* * *

_"What? Kanda-kun is here?" Lenalee practically jumped from her bed. "I have to see him!"_

_"Stay down, Lenalee," Allen protested, though his face clearly said he regretted saying it, "The rules state you can't leave the ward unless a doctor or higher decides you can--"_

_"He's my family!" the young woman shouted, tears glistering in her eyes. "I have the right to at least see him!"_

_Komui turned his head towards the white-haired sanitar, "There has to be something you can do," he muttered._

_Allen shook his head in disdain, but by the time he raised it again, Lenalee had already stomped to the door in her hospital pajamas. _

_"If you're not taking me, I'll go myself," she stated and marched out._

_Komui and Allen blinked for a moment, then went after her. "Lenalee, wait!"_

_Lavi was just turning around the corner when someone in white patient's clothes bumped into him, and hard. He dropped his papers and blinked at the all-so-familiar girl._

_"Hey," he said as if it was the most natural thing in the world, "Have you ran away?"  
"Yes, I mean no," Lenalee stuttered, she had seen Lavi before and knew he was considered a full-fledged doctor by now, "I need to see Kanda-kun, you're taking care of him aren't you?"_

_"Sorry, Lavi," Allen breathed out from behind them, apparently he and Komui had caught up, "But she won't take a 'no'."_

_When Lenalee walked into Kanda's ward and saw him, she clasped hands over her mouth, tears forming in her eyes. "Kanda-kun," she said sadly and touched his hand after she walked close enough. _

_It was him alright; same features, same beautiful hair, even his expression had kept something from the times he was conscious._

_Kanda seemed to twitch lightly at the sound of her voice, almost as if he was about to wake, but he didn't move any more and closed his eyes as if to sleep, though before he had them half-open, staring into the ceiling._

_"He doesn't recognize me," Lenalee whispered hurtfully and moved a strand of hair away from his face._

_"I don't think he even knows you're here," Lavi sighed. "Look, when you're out of the care, you can get back to your work and help me take care of him. Would you?"_

_Her look told him enough._

* * *

::

"Mr. Bookman?"

Lavi flinched; it was usually Gramps and not him that got addressed this way. "Yes?" he answered, turning to see Komui Lee talking to him.

"Do you know that Kanda-kun has a Godfather?" The man looked like he was about to confess some sort of crime.

Lavi nodded absently. "I heard of that, but I thought he's dead," he stated. "He haven't showed up for two years."

"That's because he doesn't know."

"What?"

With wide eyes, Lavi listened as Komui told him about Lenalee's childhood, and how Yu's mother was really beautiful - not a surprise, Lavi thought - and had posed for several artists, one of them being an old family's friend who later became Yu's godfather as the Kandas really were trying to take up the new culture. Even if the Christian ceremony itself wasn't really applied, the man became sort of the kid's guardian, so to speak. He even looked out for him at school afterwards, what irritated the young Kanda a lot. Eventually though, the painter had received a great job offer in Japan where he and the Kandas originally met, and since he was nearly broke he accepted.

"Froi Tiedoll was his name," Komui finished with a sigh. "Since there were no...conscious survivors of the incident, there was no one to send him a letter and tell what happened, and I...was busy with other things." Lavi let out a forced chuckle. "I send that letter last month, informing him what happened. So if he's still alive...if there's a man with gray hair banging at the door, crying and demanding to see 'Yuu-kun', please let him in."

Lavi stared at the Chinese man for several moments before it all sank into his brain. "So Yu," he started, "I mean Kanda, actually has someone to take care of him?"

"Yes."

There was relief in the redhead's face. _Take that Road Kamelot, _he thought. _No matter what your grandfather allows you, now you're not getting your hands on Yu._

Komui seemed a bit surprised. "You're happy to hear that, doctor?"

"Yes."

::

That afternoon, Lavi walked to the ward away from the part of the hospital he was usually in, and as usually, found Allen and Lenalee there. He asked Allen if he could leave for five minutes, and after finally convincing him, took the free chair and sat down, facing the quite surprised young woman who looked at him questioningly.

"Now, Miss Lee. Please tell me everything you know about Yu and his sister."

::

_February 21, 1884_

_I can't believe I didn't figure this earlier. I was blind, deaf and stupid. The facts were so clear, and yet I kept looking for reasons that had nothing to do with it._

_Apparently, Yu -- the subject -- was really close to both his sister and Lenalee Lee; however since the latter already had a big brother he focused most of his attention on his real sister, not quite on Komui Lee's level but quite similar to that. His sister's name was Yuki -- Yu and Yuki, it does sound sort of cute...well it doesn't matter -- and she was the most important person to him. He had placed her well-being and happiness directly onto his shoulders even though their parents were caring and pretty stable financially._

_Lenalee Lee says that Kanda Yu was always a very strong person -- apparently I was right. Ever since they were little, he was always looking out for her, and later when his baby sister was born - for both of them, but he never showed any kind of exaggerated emotion. He always seemed calm and collected, never breaking and never enthusiastic - apparently that's how his father told him a 'man' was supposed to be; ethnic traditions or something. Anyway, Miss Lee claims that the only time she remembers Yu crying was when they were about five and she pulled his hair really hard while playing. That's...amusing in a way, actually, though at the same time sad._

_No wonder Yuki's death had such an impact on him. Apparently, that night he'd risked his life to save her, and yet he was too late. I can't exactly tell in medical terms what caused him to become like this, but there had been cases when people went into coma due to severe shock or negation of reality, and this seem quite close to that if you look at it. I can't truly explain how it works, but as we know the cause, we might be able to do something about it; also Miss Lee will be a huge help as I'm now positive they had quite a deep bond as well._

_I also learned that the symbol I've seen on the patient's chest was their family's tradition; a son would get one when he'd turn 13, it was considered a good luck charm of sorts, supposedly bringing good health, prosperity and mental peace. Even though it sounds ironic - and I, as a qualificated doctor, don't believe in superstitions - it does look somewhat...curious that indeed he was the one to survive the tragedy. Maybe the family spell did work after all -- I'm getting off topic._

_For now I'm still continuing medication, though I asked the dosage to be decreased a bit; for some reason I don't think medicine is the right answer to this. This is more of a psychological matter, and I'm mad at myself for not realizing this sooner as psychologic and psychiatric treatment are supposed to be my specialty!_

::

Kanda slowly raised his eyes from the lake, water dripping from his face, some of the it reaching his mouth. He felt a strange taste and uncosciously licked his lips, only to widen his eyes in surprise.

Salt.

The lake was so terribly salty that there was not even a plant in it, nor on the sandy shores. Even the sand seemed whiteish and was hard like small rocks. It had to be one of the most eerie things Kanda had ever seen. As he kept looking around, the scenery seemed to get wider and wider, and soon he found himself in the middle of a white desert which's one end seemed to go into an edge of an enormous cliff and there was a small waterfall, held from the sides by a sort of levee.

He looked around, suddenly feeling like he was robbed of all of his senses; there was no wind and his feet made no sound against the rocky white sand; the sun was gleaming but he didn't feel heat. The lake's surface was even as a mirror; not a single wave nor ripple errupted it. He felt a chill run down his spine as he walked to a pile of rocks he didn't notice before and looked up.

There was a statue there, a figure made of stone sitting on the rocks, its hands pressed to its chest's left, its long hair spread around like in the middle of a storm. Two streams of water were flowing from its eyes like small waterfalls, making it look like the statue was crying, and falling into the salty lake.

Kanda felt something clench his heart as he stepped backwards and looked closer at the shape, recognizing it as a portrait of himself.

_--What? How? I wouldn't -- I don't --_

He couldn't tear his eyes away from the oppressive and completely unexpected discovery. Why would anyone make a statue of his, and even worse, use it as a fountain supply? This was disgraceful. But that wasn't the worst of it - the statue itself, in this place, it was all incredibly _scary_, and Kanda grudgingly noticed that his breath has gone faster as another page of his sister's sacred book rose in his mind.

* * *

_" As she said those words her foot slipped, and in another moment, splash! she was up to her chin in salt water. Her first idea was that she had somehow fallen into the sea, 'and in that case I can go back by railway,' she said to herself. (Alice had been to the seaside once in her life, and had come to the general conclusion, that wherever you go to on the English coast you find a number of bathing machines in the sea, some children digging in the sand with wooden spades, then a row of lodging houses, and behind them a railway station.) However, she soon made out that she was in the pool of tears which she had wept when she was nine feet high._

_'I wish I hadn't cried so much!' said Alice, as she swam about, trying to find her way out. 'I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own tears!" "_

_

* * *

_

"I did _not_ cry," Kanda protested angrily into the emptiness without thinking, though he had no intention to speak aloud, "and I _never _was nine feet tall!" He blinked at the sound of his voice which seemed to fade without an echo, and clenched the sword's hilt, looking around as if someone or something was going to attack him.

That, however, didn't happen.

Instead, he heard a whimper from behind the rocks, followed by monotonic mourning and sobbing. He walked towards it, circling the surrealistic statue, and stopped as he saw another strange creature sitting on the shore of the lake.

It was the same Mole he saw before; this time however, he didn't seem to notice Kanda and simply sat there, wailing and sobbing into a huge checked tissue. The creature seemed somewhat like a mirage and half-transparent; as Kanda walked closer its paws seemed to turn into flippers and its back seemed to grow a shell, and in moments, it was a very strange turtle with an ox's head and tail, and he was still weeping with all his might.

"Hey," Kanda tried to address the creature that now resembled someone he knew even more. "You, what are you?"

No answer. The Mock Turtle kept sobbing, not paying any attention as if Kanda didn't exist. One of them must have not existed anyway, but Kanda tried to walk closer and even waved his hand in front of the Turtle's eyes, however got no response.

"The levee," the Turtle kept muttering between sobs, "If the levee breaks, the battle will start, if it doesn't the waters will break out all at once and destroy us all. Must save the levee, the levee can't be destroyed, someone must open the levee.." His voice was monotonic, almost like a prayer, and it only added to the nightmaric scenery. Kanda's eyes widened as he saw a part of a white skull peeking out of the sand in front of the Turtle; the Turtle looked at it and fell to his knees, now wailing even louder. "Why, why did you have to be so stubborn, the levee, you must have..."

Kanda didn't listen, he started backing away from the macabric scene, away from the creepy crying statue of himself, backwards along the shore of the lake full of tears. He then turned and started walking faster, not wanting to see or hear any more of it; he didn't want to seem scared but that was just it. For some reason he was sure that the skeleton in the sand was him, and the ststue was him too, and he would end up like that if he didn't find a way to break free of that realm as soon as possible.

The battle starts when the levee breaks.

He stopped on the shore, looking at the huge gate held together by a rope, holding the poison water, then unsheathed his sword and determinedly marched towards it. Then he stopped and cut.

::

_This should be enough,_ Lavi thought as he slipped into Kanda's ward and closed the door. It was almost evening now, but it was still quite bright even without the lamp. The ward looked somewhat oppressive though, and so did the shadows of the bars, now prolonged by the settling sun. Kanda was laying still as usual, apparently blind deaf and dumb to the outer world, but it was already known that it wasn't in fact true. It had to be madness blocking it all out.

The redhead sat by the bed and a bit hesitantly took the patient's hand in his. He had no idea if it would work or not, but he had to try.

"Yu," he said silently, watching the laying man warily and awaiting any kind of reaction. He felt - or maybe it was his imagination - the other's hand tense a little for a brief moment. Unlike when called by surname, the patient's given name seemed to be giving him some sort of nudges towards the reality. Lavi frowned a little, registering everything in his mind, and continued. "Yu, can you hear me."

There was no answer; not even a slightest motion this time. Kanda's eyes were closed though he didn't seem to be asleep.

"What happened, Yu. It wasn't your fault."

The air seemed to stiffen all of the sudden. Lavi widened his eyes as he noticed Kanda's eyelids to quiver just a little bit, and in a couple of moments that felt like ages, a single tear escaped the black-hair's eyes, running down his cheek as a small drop of mercury.

Kanda was _crying_? After all those years without reacting to anything, was a couple of simple words enough to break the levee?

_And when the levee breaks, the battle will begin.  
_

Lavi held his breath, but nothing else happened. Apparently that was all to Kanda's wordless reply. The redhead sighed shakily, apparently he was getting somewhere, so close... "Yu," he started again, but was interrupted by a loud knock on the door.

_And then you will be able to tell the dream from the nightmare._

"Who's there?" Lavi called out irritatingly, but the door opened without his permission.

_And then you will be able to hear voices that aren't your own._

Two young quite crazy looking sanitars, apparently twins, budged in and stopped seeing the doctor holding the patient's hand. Huge stupid grins smiled on both of their faces.

"S' just us, doc," said the one with short dark hair and crazy make-up, "Sorry for interrupting the...whatever this is." He waved around, he was holding a cigarette with two fingers.

"Hee, we're supposed to feed the loonies at this hour so you'll have to excuse us, doc," the second golden-haired on added, nodding.

_And then the levee will break._

Lavi barely kept himself from groaning. More of Mr. Millenium's relatives who were working here because they couldn't get another job. And what kind of an idiot could have trusted THESE two with such an important thing as patients' food?

"Devit, Jasdero, you should talk with more respect," Lavi said coldly, letting go of Kanda and straightening up. "Especially to your superiors. Also, everyone here are people, and people have feelings. Even if not all of them are able to show it." He hated himself for that sentimental lecture, but he just felt like doing it.

_And the levee will break._

"Not able, huh?" Devit drawled, tilting his head a bit and twirling a syringe between his fingers as if it was a toy. He tiptoed to Kanda and leaned down. "Wouldn't say so. Look Dero, this one is cryin'!"

"Hee, whatcha sayin'? He doesn't only look like a girl but behaves like one too!" Jasdero sure wasn't the one to talk with his long golden locks.

Lavi stood up. "I ask you to leave," he said very loudly.

The sanitars didn't pay any attention and now were poking the side of Kanda's head.

"Well crybaby, whatcha gonna do? Ya gonna die here alone if Road doesn't finish you off quick."

"Or slow and painfully. You'll meet your filthy yellow siblings soon anyway. Well, you got nothin' to say? How 'bout we give ya somethin' to cry 'bout?"

Everything after that went too fast: Devit's hand pressing a cigarette to Kanda's cheek - Lavi snarling "Yu!" - Lavi moving towards the twins to throw them out if he needed to - the twins' giggling screams, continuing to insult Kanda and laugh loudly - and then Kanda's eyes suddenly snapped open.

_The levee will break._

The three medics stilled for a moment, Lavi clenching the collar of Devit's shirt, and they all stared at Kanda, whose eyes turned to them, wide with some unclear emotion, wet trails on his cheeks.

The next moment, with force definitely not expected out of someone who spend the last few years on a hospital's bed, he leaped towards them, his face turning into an expression of anger. The tears seemed to have dried off as he swung his arm back to punch Devit in the face.

Lavi managed to jump back, his eyes wide with shock as this was definitely not expected. He was now standing against the wall opposite from the door - not a smart move; maybe he should call for help...

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" Kanda growled, grabbing whatever was at hand - what happened to be a bowl of food - and tossing it towards the twins before charging at them again. The bowl clattered and broke into many pieces, covering the floor with mixture of clay and porridge. Kanda's voice was hoarse and somewhat creaky as it wasn't used for a long time, but it still had power behind it. He didn't seem just angry, he was mad. Well, that's why he was there, right?

The twins dodged quickly, trying to grab the loose patient and immobilize him. "The hell, you fucking loonie, do you know whatcha doing?"

"Leave me THE FUCK alone before I FUCKING KILL YOU!" This time Kanda's punch landed on Jadero, who flew out the door while the Japanese grabbed the chair that was standing next to his bed.

"Quick, brother!"

The twins ran outside, closing the door after right as the chair flew at them. They pressed their backs to the door, hearing the banging from the other side - Kanda had grabbed what was left of the chair and was hitting the door with it, with an almost inhuman strength.

"Let me out. Let me fucking OUT! WHY can't you people leave me ALONE?!"

Lavi stared at his patient, both scared and somewhat relieved, before realizing that he was now closed inside of the ward with him while he was on a rampage. Not good.

However, Kanda didn't seem to notice him at all as he kept hitting the door, however now his strength seemed to be fading. "Why? Why did you bring me here? WHY WON'T YOU LET ME DIE?!"

With the last hit, the chair fell to splinters, and Kanda's arms dropped powerlessly as his forehead touched the door, his unused muscles apparently not able to hold his own weight anymore. He was trembling a bit, though Lavi couldn't tell the exact reason - whether it was his body finally registering that it couldn't yet keep up with this much moving, or a soundless wail. "I just...wanted... to die." The last words were very silent and at the moment it sounded almost...sane; Lavi widened his eyes, forgetting his situation for a moment and just wanting to put his hand on the other man's shoulder.

"Yu?" he called out hoarsely, still pressing himself into the wall opposite from the man who was just wrecking havoc in the hospital ward.

The black-hair seemed to froze for a moment. Then slowly, very slowly he turned towards where Lavi was, his eyes widening as if he wasn't seeing anything in front of himself but desperately wanted to.

Lavi held his breath. _'Oh shit, he's going to kill me,'_ flashed in his mind, for the first time he wasn't so sure on the humanity of people he was working with.

Kanda stared at him for a moment longer before taking a small staggering step towards him. "I...know...your voice," he muttered almost softly and collapsed onto the ground.

It took several minutes for Lavi to move.

::

When Lavi finally managed to move and call for nurses, Kanda was back into his strange slumber, and nothing - even his name - couldn't call out any reaction out of him, any at all. Lavi didn't know what to think; not about the strange awakening, and not about the things that Kanda had said. Luckily, the twins didn't tell anyone about it because they knew they could have lost their place due to their behavior.

Lavi didn't really care at the moment though; he was shocked. Did Kanda really want to die? Did his sister's death affect him that much? Did he felt so guilty that he couldn't bear to keep his mind? And was he actually aware of Lavi's presence all these years? So many questions, and yet no answers.

Lavi stayed the night himself, almost hoping that Kanda would wake up again, but nothing happened. The black-hair seemed just as lifeless as before; not reacting to anything around him, breathing evenly with closed eyes almost if sleeping. However, one more thing was clear now: he _could_ talk.

::

* * *

::

**End Chapter**

::

KANDA TALKS! : D ...For a little, though. He won't come to completely just yet, but it's heading there.


	5. Mistifying Madness

**AN:** Okay, this update took loooooong. At it's not because it's epic - in case you were expecting something big - it's because I was busy or away from PC most of the time. Anyway, better later than never, our story is almost halfway through (if I haven't mentioned, I'm planning 11 chapters), and yay~! Thanks for staying with me and this story! Feedback is welcomed, CC is accepted (especially from Diggy and Thebesy, you guys help(ed) me a lot with this. xD), and so, yeah, hopefully I will continue sooner this time, I know what need to happen, I just can't seem to put it in words most of the time, or find the time in the first place. Lol.

P.S. In case you don't know, I SUCK BALLS at describing real war - fights. D: Cope with it, there won't be too much of it despite Kanda cutting up the beasts of hell.

...I don't see sense in this chapter even less than the others...hope you do...This one's basically the off-land. Next one will concentrate more on reality.

Oh yeah, and meet the freaking DEMENTORS, that I have no idea how came to be around here. x'''D (/lol harry potter).

::

* * *

::

**Chapter V : Mistifying Madness**

::

There was a light, and Kanda felt like he was pulled through a tunnel. Apparently it wasn't such a good idea to cut the levee open since now the water pushed him off the narrow stripe of land and he could swear he was falling down a waterfall. He barely felt it though as something he thought was a very realistic hallucination took place; he saw a room with bars, heard people talking, saw some weird looking twins and then he thought he heard something he didn't like, and then he got up and attacked them. He just wanted to hurt them, those nasty, chuckling figures that grew in his eyes, suddenly becoming wider and flatter, and he yelled and tried to hit them with everything he managed to pick up, shouting out everything that he had kept inside for those years, just how the water that broke out roared down destroying everything in its path.

The strange vision lasted for a while, then his sight began to blur; he suddenly heard the White Rabbit's voice from behind of him, calling out his name.

_'Yu?..'_

The Rabbit wasn't supposed to know his name; how did this happen? He turned a bit, trying to see anything, but all he caught was an eyepatch and white coat, topped by a patch of red. It looked somewhat familiar, but he couldn't really recall what it was, and soon he didn't know anymore who _he_ was either.

"I...know your voice," he managed to force out before sinking to the floor, suddenly feeling completely weak. For a moment he thought he saw two figures, the Rabbit and a man with red hair he was sure he saw before, simultaneously shouting "Yu?!", and then everything went black.

::

When he came to, he was still in the now-usual land, gigantic weeds lightly moving over his head. He was on the shore of a very streamy small river, that was running over the stones gurgling, and behind him there was a forest of weeds and other wild plants. He saw the Rabbit popping his head up from a stone next to the green wall.

"Say Yu, that wasn't really smart move but you needed a beginning," the creature said and scissored its ears, looking at Kanda with some kind of sympathy he couldn't figure out. "It was the fastest way, but also a bit dangerous... _they _are going to start attacking you now, and they won't stop until the battle is over."

"Will you stop yapping about the damn battle and explain what am I supposed to fight?" Kanda snapped, sitting up, his dark eyes glinting dangerously. The Rabbit's voice was slightly annoying but gave out some kind of warmth, and Kanda didn't know anymore whether he hated the creature or not.

Rabbit looked back at him, his single eye widening almost impossibly. "THEM," he said and suddenly was gone in the green forest - well, what now was forest anyway; normally a rabbit could have trampled it easily, but the weird size - changing was becoming something usual by now.

::

Kanda blinked and turned his head just to see a bunch of dark, half-transparent creatures floating his way. It strangely resembled the demons he'd seen before, yet at the same time it looked a bit like bats, scarecrows and something he couldn't remember at the moment, and the more clearly visible top part of them seemed almost...skeletic while they also had long, snaky tails spiraling after them.

"What the hell?" he hissed, reaching for the sword which he knew had to be at his side, and it was there, and he pulled it out feeling a bit more safe though he had no idea how a steel blade was supposed to help him against what looked like a very morbid kind of ghosts. He knew he was supposed to be surprised at seeing them - and at the whole situation, - but he simply wasn't, and in the back of his mind, a little voice was muttering something about being worried about his sanity.

The phantoms suddenly stopped, and one of them unfolded its transparent batwings, spreading them in slow, mechanical motions and raising its head. Its face looked so very similar to a burned corpse; there were no eyes just some devilish red lights glinting in their place as the creature's jaw suddenly opened about twice further than one could expect.

Kanda felt sick as he stared at the creature, unable to move at the moment, when the creature let out a long, whistling, high-pitched howl which literally froze him on the spot. He frowned, trying to cut at the ghoul, but his body wouldn't listen. The creature floated closer, and for a moment, Kanda was sure he was going to die. Not that he had anything against it; but at the moment when he was practically ready to meet his fate, his body escaped the numb and the sword fell onto the phantom.

The creature backed off a bit, flustering its once-again folded wings that now looked almost like a skirt, swishing its tail unpleasantly. The blade went right through it like through thin air, leaving no affect. Kanda clenched the sword's hilt, raising his head a bit to look up; he had no idea what he was supposed to do against such an enemy.

Then a voice came from the forest, and it was the White Rabbit's voice though it seemed that Kanda was the only one who could hear it.

::

"Think of something happy, Yu," Lavi muttered as he looked at the silent form laying on the bed next to him.

He was still in shock from what happened earlier, but not only the fact that Kanda could move, talk, hear and speak surprised him. It was also the words he had said earlier; _'I just wanted to die'_. He always thought that it was the initial shock that left Kanda in this state, but now he could see the symptoms of depression, guilt and something he couldn't yet place.

_I'm missing something,_ the redhead though, biting his lip a bit and scribbling the date in his journal after a small paragraph that basically stated there was 'no progress' that day. _I'm missing something big. I don't know what it is, and I hate it._

As he finished, he looked at Kanda once again and sighed. By now, he really felt he had no power over when or how his patient would wake up.

::

_Think of something happy, Yu._

Kanda didn't bother to think where the hell did the Rabbit knew his name from at the moment; there were weirder things around here. Trying to ignore the cold that he felt streaming at him from the creatures of darkness, he shut his eyes, trying to remember that one day when mother came back from the hospital with a small bundle she had named Yuki.

* * *

_"See, Yu," his mother said. She looked tired but happy, and Yu looked up at her with wide eyes. He was already eleven, but he still was quite short so he couldn't see what she was holding. "You have a little sister now."_

_A black-haired girl next to Yu pouted a bit. "He has _two_ now," she muttered and then beamed at them with an completely innocent look._

_Yu glanced back at her, having a hint of a tiny smile on his face, "You'd better not bully her too, Lenalee--"_

_She pulled his hair lightly and laughed, he just snorted a bit though seemed quite amused as well, and tiptoed to his mother, closely followed by his cousin._

_"She's so little," he muttered as he saw the little face that was making funny grimaces - probably because of the sunlight._

_Mother smiled, "She looks a lot like you did when you were little, Yu."_

_"She can't play yet," Lenalee added, sounding a bit disappointed._

_Yu's mother shook her head a bit. "No, not yet," she agreed, "But this is a big day for our family. I'll ask your dads to bring a table out so we can have the celebration in the garden." She winked at her son and her niece, still wearing the wide smile._

* * *

Strangely, he felt the cold disappear, and when he opened his eyes, he saw that he was still on the river's shore, the sun was shining, and the horrid creatures were gone. He was on his knees, and he didn't find the strength to get up. He looked down at the sword he was holding, but he couldn't even raise it enough to sheathe it. Finally, he managed to get up. "What was that?" he asked, barely managing to keep himself up. Why were his legs shaking? He wasn't a coward.

"Those are called Grief," Rabbit said, and jumped out into the open again. He tilted his head curiously and flopped his ears. His single eye suddenly nearly fell out and he dived to the side as Kanda's blade smashed into the ground where the rabbit was moments ago. "Hey, careful, that's not a pinata stick ya now!"

Kanda snorted. "Thanks for you help," he said ironically and sheathed the blade, glaring at the creature. "What else haven't you told me?"

Rabbit blinked and got up on his lower legs again - he had fallen onto his back and started rolling around yelling 'Don't kill me' when Kanda nearly cut him. "I was getting to that," he said cheerfully and sat on his tail, fixing his hat a bit. "Grief are horrible, horrible creatures that invaded our land. _He_ sends them to haunt us."

"He?"

"You'll learn when you need to," Rabbit whispered, his single eye widening almost impossibly, "You'll have to kill _him_ if you ever want to get out of here. But you'll never get there if you don't know how to deal with Grief."

Kanda frowned, he was getting way too much information. "So tell me, will you?"

"You probably noticed that pure steel can do no harm to these nightmaric creatures." Rabbit's eyes glittered mischievously. "You need willpower to counter them - a very special willpower, indeed."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kanda yelled at the Rabbit so loudly that its ears flopped back. "I HAVE willpower."

Rabbit straightened out his ears and put the top hat back on. "You're not listening," he sighed. "What you need...the ultimate force in this place...is your will to live."

Kanda blinked, fighting the urge to step back and sit down. He felt something clench his heart - was it guilt or something else, he didn't know; and one thing he never thought he'd end up missing... "My...will...to live?" he repeated. His look was blank, before a light grimace twisted his lips. "I lost that long ago. You should know better."

"What's lost, can always be found," Rabbit whispered, staring right at him. "You must. Try the forest behind us; it's always a good place to start."

And with that, he was gone; Kanda looked around hoping to spot the white tail jumping somewhere close by, but saw nothing, so he took a deep breath and headed towards the green jungle, once again feeling like his consciousness was faltering as a candle in the wind.

::

"See you in the evening, Yu," Lavi muttered and got up to leave. As he reached the door, he thought that once again Kanda had followed him with his eyes, but as he looked closer he decided it had to be the play of the shadows of leaves dancing in the wind, and silently walked out.

It was more than frustrating, and Lavi was often a bit out of it lately. No one noticed yet - well, Gramps had asked him why he seemed to be spacing out so often. You have to remain focused, he had said. The redhead didn't answer anything, but he'd thought 'it's easy for you to say', and he still thought that way.

Curing Kanda was both his ambition and his dream, and now to some extent it had become the peace of his mind as well. And with the time it was taking, Lavi was getting more and more dissatisfied. It's like he couldn't do anything. It's like Kanda would only wake up and talk when he wants to. And he had no idea how to make him want it.

The white walls on the hospital now seemed oppressive instead of the usual soothing, and Lavi briefly wondered how much good did it really did to the patients. Especially in winter, when they wouldn't be taken outside, under the open sky. Away from the stentch of of medicine and disinfection fluids, and all the white.

He hated the smell of the formaldehyde.

::

With a light creak, a small wheeled table with food for that part of hospital's breakfast stopped in front of yet another door.

"I'm not going in there, bro." The golden-haired man shook his head repeatedly before grabbing onto his twin's collar. "This one's batshit crazy! He nearly killed us last time, hee!"

Devit shook his head a bit and sighed. "Look Dero, I know it's a lousy job but it's a job and we get fuckin' paid for it," he said. "That guy's like dead most of the time anyway, I have no idea what happened last time but why would it happen again, hm?" He smiled at his brother reassuringly and put his hand on the door handle.

"Fine," Jasdero whined and hung himself onto his brother's shoulders. "I still don't like it..."

Devit sighed and opened the door.

Peace and silence met them; Kanda was laying on the bed just as still as usually, his eyes half-open and blankly staring at the wall in front of him. The plush bunny was resting on the pillow next to him, almost brushing his cheek.

"See, it's all okay, Dero," Devit muttered, not really knowing why he lowered his voice. He looked at the toy next to the patient's face and sneered, it had to be placed there by that soft-hearted 'professional' doctor, but to him it looked just stupid.

"Let's just get it over with, hee" Dero muttered, picking up a spoon while Devit moved the patient into more of a sitting position.

::

Soon Kanda reached a clearing of the forest, and he was very surprised to find the twins he had seen before sitting there under one of the old huge trees. Both were wearing cooking pots for helmets, and they had pillows and blankets strapped around them. They also had wooden swords and seemed to be resting after a spar of some sort.

"It was NEW," one of the wailed, raising the sword but apparently not having enough strength to get up.

"Why did you get one while I haven't?" the other retorted.

Kanda twitched; he couldn't exactly recall it but he knew that they had pissed him off before. He stepped into the clearing with his hand on the sword's hilt.

"Who the hell are you?" he greeted.

The twins barely turned their heads. "Do we know you?" one of them groaned lazily and fixed the pot on his head.

Kanda frowned a bit, he didn't like that tone at all, and he was _certain_ that he had seen them before. "How do I get out of the forest?" he decided to just continue.

"We are having a bit of a fight," another one of the twins said, "so get your little bitch ass out of here if you don't want to get hurt."

"Yeah," the first added, for a moment suddenly looking twice taller than he actually was and his voice howling mockingly, "You couldn't save anyone, could you?"

The Japanese felt himself freeze up for a moment, then twitched - so much for peaceful walk-through. The twins were just asking for it, seriously. "We'll see who's going to get hurt," he growled, unsheathing the blade with a sudden motion in the middle of the clearing. He suddenly felt the familiar cold again, which had to mean some more creatures of darkness were around, and heard distant whispers of blame, but he didn't care. He just wanted to hit what was in front of him. He didn't even notice when he had gotten a coat on, but now he had a huge black gown on his shoulders that was flustering in the wind and seemed to be growing bigger.

The twins stared at him in horror for a few moments, then suddenly screamed and grabbed onto each other, dropping their wooden weapons to the ground.

"You're the Crow," one of them whispered, pale as a sheet.

Kanda widened his eyes, nearly dropping his sword for a moment. He suddenly remembered there was an underground organization named Crow where he lived, and that it was especially displeased by immigrants moving into England. The members of it would often organise racist street-fights, and... "I am NOT," he growled, charging at the twins almost blindly, not sure where he wanted to direct his anger. The black fabric on his back extended to both sides, almost as if forming wings.

"Look at all the black," the other twin whispered with his eyes wide before the sword fell on them, and they jumped apart, practically rolling into the forest in an incredible speed, while the tops of the trees seem to ting in rhythm with a song that came from and faded into nowhere:

* * *

_'Tweedledum and Tweedledee_

_Agreed to have a battle_

_For Tweedledum said Tweedledee_

_Had spoiled his nice new rattle._

_Just then flew down a monstrous crow,_

_As black as a tar-barrel,_

_Which frightened both the heroes so,_

_They quite forgot their quarrel.'_

_

* * *

_

Kanda took a sharp breath, the blade half-buried in the ground from the force of his slash, and with a sigh, pulled it out. As the twins disappeared from his sight, he didn't feel relieved. In fact, he felt angrier than before, and the rustling of the black fabric over him seemed to get more intense, and he would have started slashing the trees apart if he wasn't stopped by another voice.

"Calm down."

The Rabbit was looking at him from within the forest. Then something that looked like a humongous white stretched arm knocked Kanda over the head, and he fell to the ground, feeling the black fabric sliding off him and crumbling to dust.

::

After several minutes of stuffing the food into Kanda's mouth - that was incredibly hard to open today for some reason and the whole process was rather tiresome - the sanitars got bored of it and decided it was enough. So instead they decided they would feed Kanda's bunny, so they put it onto the food table and dropped several spoons of porridge right onto its plush head. They were so busy with feeding the toy and snickering, that they didn't ever notice Kanda blinking and turning head towards them.

Everything else happened very fast. Kanda sat up, causing the twins to look his way with dumbfounded expressions, and saw them dipping Yuki's toy into porridge, and then he grabbed the spoon and charged at the sanitars.

"DEVI!" Jasdero shouted, hiding behind the table. "You said it would be okay now!"

"Open the door, Dero!"

Both twins were really eager to escape, but apparently luck wasn't on their side that day either. Kanda managed to grab Jasdero's hair before he got away, and the table with food tumbled over with a loud crash, followed by the golden-haired man's scream.

Footsteps could be heard in the floor above; help was already coming. Not that Kanda realized or cared about that. "It was her favorite," he growled, pulling at Jasdero's hair while Devit tried to grab his arms and pry him off his brother, "I'll make you pay for this!" He tilted his head back with a sudden motion, hitting Devit's nose with the back of it, causing the latter to yelp and grab his face as a loud crackle could be heard.

Devit staggered a few steps back, while Kanda drove the spoon at Jasdero's face holding it as if it was a knife. A loud shriek could be heard, the spoon left a pretty nasty cut from the sanitar's cheekbone to the corner of his mouth. As he jumped and tried to get away, Kanda tried attacking him again, and that's when the ward's door slammed open.

There was Lavi, and behind him, several strong-build sanitars. The redhead's single eye widened as he saw the scene inside the room.

"Yu, calm down!" he shouted, grabbing Kanda from behind and pulling him off the bleeding golden-haired sanitar. In all surprise, Kanda didn't resist at all; he slowly slumped against Lavi, dropping the bloody spoon to the floor and apparently going back to his slumbering mode.

"He's dangerous, hee!" Jasdero cried, clutching his cheek as the other sanitars helped him up. Devit walked up to him, still holding his nose. It was bleeding quite bad. "Why wasn't he restrained after the last time?"

Lavi bit his lip and looked down at Kanda before dragging him back to the bed and laying him on it. "Because there was no need," he answered, trying to sound confident. "He does not attack unless provoked, and working in an asylum, you two should know that's already a lot. Also," he added as he spotted the defiled bunny, "you should know better than to turn your backs to a patient." He picked the bunny up, shook it off and put it into the pocket of his coat, intending to wash it and return it afterwards.

The twins sneered displeasedly, but there was truth in that.

"I'm afraid this time it won't be as easy, Lavi," a voice said from the doorway, and everyone's heads turned towards it. An old doctor was standing there, holding his hands in his sleeves, and gazed over at the redhead.

"Gramps?" Lavi blinked, nearly falling over out of surprise and looking at the man. "What are you saying?"

The old man sighed and shook his head. "Staff was injured this time, boy," he said almost regretfully as he sent a resenting look towards the twins, who shrank under it. "I'm afraid young Kanda will have to be restrained, at least for a while until he's possible to reason with." Lavi gaped, staring at his grandfather as if he had said something completely horrible. "Now, don't give me that look. I know where you're coming from, but we have to go by the book, or things here will fall apart." And the man glared at the twins again.

The twin sanitars muttered something and booked it out of the ward, they still had to get their wounds fixed after all. One of the remaining ones nodded at the old doctor and started taking out a straight-jacket.

"No, not that," Lavi said before he could stop himself. Gramps raised an eyebrow at him, and he swallowed. "I mean...there's no need for this. Simply tie his hands to the bed or something," he muttered.

To his great joy, the old man nodded approvingly, and the scary robe was out of the sight. Instead, the sanitars got some ropes with softer foldings to put on the patient's wrists, and walked to the bed.

"I'm sorry, kid," the old man muttered as they watched Kanda's wrists getting tied to the bed. "If we didn't do this, there's no telling what might have happened."

Lavi just nodded, suddenly recalling whose exactly relatives had just gotten hurt. "I know," he muttered.

::

"You should be more careful," the Rabbit muttered as Kanda came to, and looked at him questioningly. "You shouldn't let yourself become overridden with anger or anguish when Grief are around." He scissored his ears, making the top hat release a funny sound.

"I didn't notice there were any," Kanda muttered and frowned.

"They were all once souls exposed to pain," the Rabbit muttered sadly, looking Kanda straight in the eyes. "That's why the will to live could bring peace to them. That's why if you're not careful.." his ears flopped down, tear glittering in his single eye, "You might become one of them, trapped in here forever."

Silent wind blew over them, and Kanda sat up, wrapping his arms around his knees with a deep frown. This strange land had just became all the more eerie and gloomy, and here in the forest, the rays of sun didn't seem to be able to get through the trees, causing the clearing to be covered in shadowy blue. So he wasn't the first one here. And quite a lot of _them_ had fallen. "If I'm not even allowed to feel how I do," he muttered, not noticing the change in Rabbit's tone yet, "how am I supposed to do this? Why should I even fight?"

"Because," the creature answered, wiping his eye with his sleeve, "if you don't do this, you will never find peace, and believe me, you want to do this. Everyone wants you to do this." He paused. "Lenalee too, she knows you're here and she's very worried."

Kanda blinked, raising his head, his surprise changing into anger moments after. "How the hell do you know all that?"

Rabbit tilted his head. "Don't ask, then I won't have to lie," he said amusingly. "Time to go, we're late already!"

"Wait." The Japanese finally recalled how emotional the creature seemed to have gotten just moments ago. "Why do _you_ care?"

Rabbit stayed silent for a while. "I can't say it, but I'll gladly show it," he muttered. "After we get through the forest."

"What--"

"Hurry!"

With a playful jump, the Rabbit disappeared between the trees, and Kanda had no other option than to follow him.

::

_March 1, 1884_

_I'm powerless. I'm completely powerless against the decisions of God, unlike the man he had inflicted it on. It's like I can't do anything, anything at all. I can't stand this. I must get to the bottom of this. I must find out what have I missed. I won't give up!  
_

_Last week's incident only confirmed it - Yu's senses are perfectly fine, as long as he wants to use it. I don't know what kind of attacks are those when his mind seems to finally connect to our world, but if I could find that connection...maybe there's still hope._

_He had been restrained ever since. Well, if you can call it restraining, he's just a bit tied up - thank God. But he doesn't seem to mind it. Actually, he doesn't seemed to mind anything. At first his expression was somewhat pained, but as soon as Lenalee - that is, nurse L - washed the plush bunny and I put it back onto his pillow, he seems to have gotten back into his pacifist self. Of course it's important, it was his sister's. His reaction is important as well. I just don't know how I can see through it._

_The two sanitars (to hell with them!) apparently haven't complained, or I just haven't heard of it yet. It was written down as a simple 'incident', so it seems there won't be further trouble with it. Hopefully. That or something big will happen...I hope not. Of course, I refused to let them into Yu's -- subject's...can I really call someone a subject? -- ward. Nurse L has volunteered to take that duty, and I think that's a great idea._

_I must keep trying, whatever strange world is he trapped in, I will tear him out if I have to. I'm not giving up._

__::

* * *

::

**End Chapter**

::


	6. Pale Realm

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KANDA! : D

**ANNOUNCEMENT: **Welcome to the LaviYu festival, lasting from 6th of June to 10th of August, which circles around the main date, the brand new chosen **LaviYu Day**, July 8th! Our fandom is definitely worth to have an annual celebration, so don't bail out and join in with the legion! Please read more about this on Live Journal (remove spaces before inserting the link):

http : // community . livejournal . com / rabiyuu / 109560 . html

::

**AN: **Thanks for the feedback guys! I tried to update faster this time, no need to tell that it failed miserably. I guess I just let RL get the better of me. Oh well - better later than never, right? (hides in shame)

And to those who wanted to see more of the game!Alice...I'm sorry, but I'm not basing this fic on the game completely. XD I just took the Wonderland=hallucination-inflicted-by-madness concept from it. XP So yes, Kanda's gonna be stuck with his 'Vorpal Blade'. Just because. :3

...And if Digi doesn't chew out my Lenalee, I'll consider my month complete. : O

**Warnings for chapter:** Cruelty of Victorian Age hospitals, numerous mad relatives and... I apparently suck at writing Allen? D:

::

* * *

::

**Chapter VI : Pale Realm**

::

Lavi fidgeted.

He got up from the chair, walked back and forth for a bit, then sat back down again, waiting for the office's door to open. He should have figured it wouldn't be over so easily. He shouldn't have started to believe everything had sorted out. He should have expected this.

Oh well.

A graceful woman in a white coat and with a long ponytail - the Director's secretary - opened the door. "The director is going to see you now, Dr. Bookman," she announced, her golden eyes glinting a bit mischievously. She seemed to be trying to catch Lavi's gaze, but he avoided her look, pretending not to notice the light seductive smile on her face.

"Thanks Lu," he sighed and got up, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his coat and then taking it back out again.

"What's up with you?" she asked, looking at him, now with a light frown. "It's a rare sight to see you this jumpy."

Lavi shook his head a bit. "Just a bit of an unpleasant matter," he muttered. "I guess I'm a bit nervous. It'll be fine." As he walked through the door, he heard Lulu asking if it had to do with his favorite patient, but he pretended he didn't hear.

::

"I've heard one of your little patients was ... misbehaving," the Director said in a particularly sweet tone, which didn't mean anything good. His granddaughter giggled, she was sitting on the side of the director's chair, having draped herself on his shoulders. "I'd like to hear what you have to say about this, doctor."

"The sanitars weren't minding the simple sanitarium rules," Lavi answered in a blank, matter-of-fact tone, though he was mentally pulling his hair out out of nervousness. "They should have known better. Doctor's work isn't a game." As he said the last line, he glared at Road, who didn't seem to mind at all and giggled again.

She then got up and skipped over to Lavi, twirling around him in a playful manner before grabbing onto his arm to keep her balance and leaning to the side to look at his face while standing on one leg, "You wouldn't say 'no' to _me_, Mr. Bookman," she chirped.

Lavi's face stiffened further and he didn't move, looking over at the Director whose smile grew more menacing.

"Come back here, Road," he said sweetly before focusing on Lavi again, "That is true, and that's why further measures weren't taken. I'm quite sure it didn't happen without your inability to do your job though, Bookman Jr. You should thank your grandfather that you're able to keep your job." Lavi's heart skipped a beat. "If this repeats, I might reconsider it. You may go."

The redhead marched out of the office so quickly that he didn't even have time to reply to the secretary's 'Well, how did it go?'

::

Lavi was sitting next to Kanda's bed, watching him. It was night and his shift was long over; he should have been sleeping by now but he just didn't want to.

"Why did you have to go and get yourself into trouble Yu," he muttered, watching the silent man with a sad expression. "I'm scared. They have their eye on you now." He sighed and rested head on hand.

Kanda looked somewhat troubled, though he didn't move. It seemed like his blood-flow was suffering from being tied up, and the red-haired doctor frowned. Well, no one but him and Lenalee normally walked in here now...

Lavi looked at him, quickly peeking around, then slowly removed the straight-jacket and set the black-haired boy's arms free. "You're not some kind of animal nor threat," he muttered as he stuffed the cloth into one of the drawers. "If anything, I'll take the blame, but I can't bear to watch you like this anymore."

Kanda was sleeping, his expression now looking a bit more peaceful.

::

"Brother, please let go." Lenalee was standing in the hallway, one hand on the food cart's handle, looking slightly embarrassed. And the reason for that was her brother, who was practically laying on the floor hugging her knees and crying waterfalls of tears.

"But - but - but - LENALEE! Didn't you hear what happened? What if you get hurt?" he wailed.

Lenalee sighed. "It's Kanda-kun, brother," she said, sounding mildly irritated, "He can't hurt me."

"You're right, Lenalee," Komui sobbed, finally getting up. She did have a good point...knowing them way back, that is. But nothing was how it used to be. "But he's not quite himself anymore, you need to be careful--"

"I'll be fine."

The young woman had strangely determined look on her face. She had really become strong-willed, compared to the times when her brother wasn't around.

"Don't worry."

Komui was about to say something, but he saw Lenalee's reassuring smile, the one that she'd always give him when he worried too much, and he couldn't help but calm down. He nodded lightly. "I'll go work then," he said silently, giving his sister one last hug and finally stepping away from her.

::

Lenalee pushed the cart through the hallways, stopping by the wards that were assigned to her and doing her job. She had to practically stuff the food into patient's mouths most of the time, carefully that they wouldn't choke, and see that they'd swallow it. It wasn't very pleasant, then again it wasn't too bad either. She was helping people, and she knew it was the right thing; however none of the strangers really made her feel like she did what she wanted to. Maybe she didn't want to help people as much as she wanted to help those she knew.

It was strangely silent in the hallways for this time of day, and she briefly wondered how many more patients were let out or have died. It made her slightly depressed. Of course, considering that in most asylums they were treated like caged animals - depending on the nature of illness - and people were let in to stare at them for money, maybe death wasn't such a bad thing. Luckily, here this fashion didn't seem very popular, there barely were any visitors of any kind actually and that was quite depressing, but still there usually would be some kind of commotion around noon.

She turned into the hallway where Kanda's ward was and sighed silently. "Will you ever come back?" she whispered more to herself than to anyone else, remembering times when she last saw her cousin and he was practically..._happy_, if you may use that word on him. "You have to!"

The rest of the hallway she walked through in silence, and just when she stopped by the door, a voice stopped her.

"Lenalee!"

She turned surprised and saw a white-haired man walking towards her quite quickly. His expression was a bit guilty.

"Can I talk to you?"

"I'm working, Allen-kun," she answered with slight surprise which was changed by concern, "Did something happen?"

Walker took a deep breath. "No..not really," he said quickly. "It won't take long, I promise."

Lenalee tilted her head a bit. "Sure then What is it?"

Allen bit his lip lightly, he had rehearsed the wording all the way to this corridor yet now he had no idea how to phrase it properly. He had gotten upset with himself upon realizing that he was selfish by enjoying Lenalee's company so much that at times he would almost stop wishing for her quick getting-well. And he couldn't stand that because he wished the girl all the best wherever she wanted to be, yet some side of him apparently didn't, and it was horrible. He wanted - no, needed - to apologize, even though Lenalee never knew about this struggle of his and was already completely fine. And now he in fact understood that it was terribly hard to apologize for something that another person doesn't know about.

He finally raised his eyes to look at her.

"I'm sorry for being selfish," he said, bowing his head in apology. A small voice inside of his head said something about Lenalee working in the hospital as long as Kanda was there, but he mentally murdered it, determined never to do anything that could hurt the girl. "It will not happen again."

Lenalee blinked a bit. "It's okay... Are you feeling alright?" she asked with a hint of concern as the sanitar seemed somewhat pale for a moment and mechanically touched his head.

"Yes, I'm fine," Allen reassured, though in fact he didn't feel well at all. First of all, he was really upset with himself for the way he dared to think, even if for a moment. And secondly... Most of the other sanitars had unexpectedly taken a break so he had to do all the work and it was his third day without sleep, plus he had to work in a camera with tranquilizing gas. But he knew that he had to talk to Lenalee as soon as her shift started, so he waited for her after finishing his work instead of going to bed. "Don't let me interrupt you," he said with a light smile, motioning towards Kanda's door and quickly walked away. His vision blurred a bit as he walked.

Lenalee looked after him with worry.

::

The Chinese woman cleaned off Kanda's face after she finished trying to make him eat his meal, and sat next to him. Her dark eyes looked somewhat blank as she looked at his still form, her thumb absently stroking his hand. He was like a brother to her

"Why did this happen to you?" she asked silently, fighting back tears. Crying won't help anyone, she had decided, yet at some moments the promise was so hard to keep. She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. It seemed to help her calm down a bit, and she looked back at the young man sadly. "Kanda-kun."

He didn't answer, but his expression seemed to gain a barely noticeable painful tone, and Lenalee frowned with concern.

"Wake up.." she whispered, sighing and lowering her head to the man's arm. "Please wake up, Kanda-kun. Please wake up."

* * *

_"Kanda-kun! Have you seen Brother?" Little girl's teary and hopeful eyes were locked on him, and he knew he had to act older at the moment, though he was barely seven._

_"No, I haven't." He stepped away from the bunny-shaped snowman and looked at Lenalee with a light frown. "He can't be with you _all _the time, you know."_

_The girl's lip quivered, and Kanda widened his eyes a bit._

_"Wait-no-that's not what I meant!" It was so surprising, the girl who could kick all the neigbors' boys' asses, could become completely vulnerable if only her brother wasn't around. Kanda usually managed to fill Komui's shoes, but not for long, and, apparently, not every time._

_"B-but it's my birthday today," Lenalee sobbed and glared up at her cousin._

_"You're not getting anything until afternoon so don't look at me."_

_"I don't want presents, I want Brother!" the girl insisted, folding her arms and flopping down on the snow. "I'm not going anywhere until he gets back!"_

_Kanda sighed and shook his head in disdain, Lenalee could be so stubborn sometimes. "You'll catch a cold." The girl simply pouted and looked away, tears still running down her red-from-cold cheeks, and Kanda grudgingly crouched down next to her. "He'll be back soon," he reassured, placing a comforting hand on Lenalee's head and attempting a smile which looked more like an unnoticeable half-lip grimace. "Come on now. Get up." She slowly complied and buried her face in Kanda's scarf, wiping her face off._

_"Oh-Lenalee! You're awake already?" came a familiar voice from the gates, and when Kanda turned, there was a Chinese teen, and he was holding a package._

_"Brother!" Lenalee beamed, letting go of Kanda to whom she was clinging at the moment and running up to him. Kanda snorted silently. "Where have you been?"_

_Komui scratched the back of his head awkwardly, "I wanted to get you a special present.." he said, hugging his sister and then lifting her up._

_"Oh - that's where you were?"_

_"Smooth move Komui, you could have told her you'd be out."  
"Ah, sorry!"_

_

* * *

_

Lenalee widened her eyes as she felt something gently stroke her hair, and as she straightened up she realized that Kanda had in fact placed his hand on her head as if telling her not to cry. His look was now turned at her, but apparently it was a moment's clearance as his gaze seemed unseeing once again.

"Kanda-kun?" she asked but received no reply.

When she told Lavi what happened, he didn't seem at all surprised.

::

A few days passed once again, and one quiet afternoon, loud knocking on the asylum's outer gate could be heard. Lavi stuck his head out the window with a dark frown.

"If that's another one of those freaks who thinks this is the zoo--"

The doorman waved up at him. "Sorry doc, the Director wants to let them in as well."

"Well to hell with you too, Doug," Lavi shouted back. He hated it when people called him 'doc', it was just so... unappealing.

Doorman sighed. "I don't like them any more than you do," he said now seriously and opened the small window in the gate.

Lavi perked up, trying to hear what they were talking about, but it was too far away, though judging from the voices at least one of them was shouting. From the few words he could make out, the young doctor recognized a light French accent.

He was quite surprised when the gate finally opened, and a middle-aged man frantically ran through the yard and into the lobby.

::

"Is that it?" Kanda asked the White Rabbit as they were now sitting in a clearing, next to a small lake that was perfectly round. For a moment he thought he saw Lenalee's face reflecting in the glass-like surface. It was looking down at him sadly, her lips silently moving. He narrowed his eyes. '_Wake up_.' What? This couldn't be. Lenalee...she was gone, wasn't she? He frowned a bit and reached out to touch her face, but as soon as his fingers touched the water, the image disappeared in ripples.

"This is the Well," the Rabbit explained. Kanda raised an eyebrow.

"I can see that, Rabbit. What about the well?"

"It's not an ordinary well."

Kanda felt himself twitch lightly. "Great. Now can you tell my why did you bring me here and what this well or whatever it is has to do with anything?"

Rabbit widened his single eye and looked at Kanda as if he had forgotten he was there. "I," he announced solemnly, "will tell you the Story of the Well."

There was silence for a while. Kanda coughed. "You can start, you know."

"Long, long time ago, it was an ordinary well," Rabbit said, looking up at the sky sadly, its ears flopping down.

Kanda twitched more but didn't comment. He stayed silent, while Rabbit kept staring up in the clouds. Several times Kanda was about to say "Nice story" and change the subject, but he expected there had to be something more to that.

After what seemed an eternity, the Rabbit spoke again, this time his voice sounded a lot like the red-haired man's that Kanda saw in his hallucination not long ago. "You know what, I'll just cut the bullshit and tell you what it does," he said.

Kanda nearly fell face-first into the lake. He forced himself not to kick the idiotic Rabbit into the middle of the water body, and turned to him, one corner of his lips turned up however it was twitching. "You know what, that's a damn great idea. So what is it?"

"It's like a mirror between worlds," Rabbit said unexpectedly seriously. "I already explained you what this world means, and what will happen to you if you don't complete your mission here. However..." his eyes gained a mischievous glint, "that doesn't mean you can't peek into the other one from time to time. Actually, you did that already."

Kanda's eyebrows shot up. "What?"

Rabbit snickered amusingly, and sniffed the water. "Yu, remember me?" he asked, once again in the exotic redhead human's tone, looking up at the Japanese.

The young man was about to seriously snap when he saw the water's surface and froze. In the glass-clear surface, the man from his dreams was reflecting, his lips saying the exact same words before the image dissolved into ripples once again and left Kanda staring at the Rabbit utterly confused and in shock, feeling something clench his heart in a manner he couldn't remember ever experiencing.

::

"Yu, remember me? I brought you a visitor."

The red-haired man smiled lightly, looking at Kanda who gave no response. He casually ran fingers through the black-haired boy's fringe and sat down. A chair next to him was left empty.

A tall, gray-haired man squeezed himself through the door, crying waterfalls of tears. It was the boy's Godfather, Froi Tiedoll, who apparently got to England from Japan in a record time. God knows what vessels he used and how much money he spend. "My baby!" his first sobbed-out words were as he rushed towards Kanda and grabbed his hand, pressing it to his wet face. "Why didn't I come here before? If only I knew!"

The doctor watched quite dumbfounded, though at the same time he was happy that Yu had someone to care about him. ...Even if it seemed a bit too much.

Kanda didn't move however, though his lips seemed to open for a moment it wasn't clear if he said something or not.

"Such a horrible, horrible tragedy," Tiedoll wailed, burying his face in the black-haired boy's blanket. "Yuki...Yoshihiro...Sayuki... Li and Eleena too..."

"Mister, you're dirtying the sheets..." Lavi muttered, frowning a little bit.

"It's a miracle you survived, Yu-kun... Why didn't anyone let me know before, you had to be here all alone, and how did you end up like this, oh my heart! I don't think it can take this..."

"Mister Tiedoll...please.."

"Oh Yu-kun, please forgive me, I'm going to take care of you now!"

::

When the visitor hours ended, Lavi practically had to drag Tiedoll out of Kanda's ward. The man was still sobbing, though he seemed a bit calmer by now.

"Is it really not possible to take him home?" he asked.

Lavi shook his head. "He's under treatment..." he muttered. "You can come to visit him though. He's been showing signs of progress, when he improves further you can continue the treating home." To him it looked like someone else said the words, it sounded so distant.

"I'll rent a room in town, for now," Tiedoll muttered, rubbing his nose with his sleeve and removing his glasses to clean it off, "so I can come here to help look after him."

"Please sign these papers that you are his official tutor." Lavi's tone was blank but as he held out the document and a pen to the man, he felt his inner self jump around triumphantly in a manner that definitely didn't fit a qualified doctor.

Afterwards, Tiedoll went to meet up with Komui and Lenalee, while Lavi practically ran to his office, clutching the documents that proved Yu's now important place in society. One of the identical documents he placed in the patient's file, while the other he slipped into the Director's office later that day, earning quite a bitter look from him, and then a simple dismissing nod.

"You're safe now, Yu," Lavi muttered as he closed the office's door and marched out, not even hearing Lulu's attempts in flirting.

::

Allen had walked half-way to the living quarters where the sanitars and doctors sometimes stayed if they didn't have time to get home after work - what happened quite a lot, actually - when his head suddenly throbbed, and he grabbed it with one hand, supporting himself against a wall with the other. The tiredness mixed with the various gas he had to breathe that day, and the hallway in front of him seemed to be floating.

"Damn it.." he muttered, rubbing his eyes.

Suddenly he heard a laugh, and quickly turned to face it, however the figure he saw didn't seem familiar at all. It had a huge, crescendent moon shaped grin on, and it was getting closer. "Hello, Allen Walker, the selfish one."

"Stay away!" the white-haired man shouted, stepping backwards and reaching back for something he could use to hit the figure. He figured he had to be hallucinating due to what he had been through that day, but he never imagined it to be so real. It felt almost like...a very strong dream was leaking into reality, and he was sure he had nothing to do with it. "Who are you--"

He didn't get to finish the sentence as something hit him over the head and he fell down unconscious, hitting one of metal shelves and cutting his left arm.

"Hii, another loonie doctor went mad," Jasdero said, poking Allen with his foot. "It was so creepy!" His twin grinned a bit, he was holding what seemed to be a piece of pipe.

"Dude, the guy's talking to the fucking air. I wonder if we'd still get the Christmas bonus if we report it?"

Jasdero's eyes went wide with glee, "That would be awesome, Devi! Dero thinks we should, hee!"

Devit's grin widened. "What should we write in the report?" he asked. "Schizophrenia? It would be easy to fake if later on it turned out to be wrong."

"Hee! We have proof anyway!"

The twins giggled madly as they managed to lift Allen with united efforts, and started carrying him towards one of farther wards that they knew had a lock. Something devilish was radiating from both of them; it wasn't a childish mischievousness anymore, it was something else, almost frightening.

"We should probably stop the bleeding," Devit grumbled as his shoulder slowly turned red. They had just opened the ward's door and were about to dump the still unconscious fellow sanitar on the bed when a voice from behind them came.

"What are you two doing?"

A teenage girl with a fluffy skirt stopped in the doorway and peeked inside curiously, her face gaining a wide smile.

"Ooooh, Allen!"

The twins looked at each other for a few moments, then suddenly grinned.

"Comere, Road," Devit said sweetly. "We found your precious Allen talking to the air in front of him--"

"Hee, well it coulda been anything--yow!" Jasdero whined as Devit stepped on his foot.

"--he seemed like he was having a panic attack so we restrained him, but he's also hurt...would you like to take care of it?" His grin grew even wider if possible. "Dear sis?"

"Oh, would I?" Road chirped, smiling widely. "Absolutely!"

The twins grinned and booked it out of the ward, while Road grinned widely and closed the doors afterwards, turning back to Allen.

"Oh, Allen-kun, now we're going to play and have so much fun!"

There was something hellish and horrifying in her sweet smile and tone. She danced around the ward, pulling out drawers and taking out various bottles and instruments, and setting it all on the table next to the bed, then finding some spare ropes and belts that were used to make sure the patient didn't move.

"Now we're going to wake you up.."

The ward's walls didn't let the scream that followed escape.

::

"Was that...real?" Kanda asked silently as he stared into the water where his old teacher had showed up for a few moments just a little ago. He seemed to be deep in thought, though actually his mind was empty, and he heard strange buzzing in his ears, like a thousand bees in a distant honey tree.

The Rabbit nodded lightly. "If you cannot find your lifewish here," he said, "you should sink deeper into _that _world, and you just might find it there. Then you will be ready to get back here and continue until you meet _her_."

Kanda perked up lightly, a bad hunch running through him. "Her who?"

"You'll see," the Rabbit muttered evasively, looking away. "It's something you must do though. When you meet her, your soul will gain peace."

"I'll die?" Kanda snorted a bit, all that soul talk was getting to him a bit, even if he did believe in reincarnation thanks to his family's religion.

Rabbit shook his head, his ears flopping in a comical manner. "No. You will be able to continue on and forget this place. If you don't..." Kanda's eyes narrowed. "...the guilt inside of you will eat you up, and you will end up here, trapped in the form of your own grief, until the end of time as souls are supposed to be immortal."

"I'm not sure if I _want_ to continue," Kanda muttered, glaring down at the lake. He wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to forgive himself for what he, in his opinion, had let to happen, especially now when Yuki couldn't confirm her forgiveness anymore.

Rabbit looked at him sadly. "That's why you have to go, for now." He hopped closer to Kanda, staring up at him intently. "You need to see it to be able to wish to live it. Find me, and I will show you."

"What?" Kanda asked confused, feeling a chill run down his spine as once again in the rippling reflections in the water he saw a familiar face. "What do you mean? Why do you keep showing this man to me?"

"Because your heart wished to meet him," Rabbit answered silently, "even if just for a moment, you wanted to know who he is. If you can do that, maybe you can find the will again."

Kanda simply shook his head, unable to understand.

Rabbit nodded lightly. "Sleep now," he said. "And experience the truth through dream. I will wake you up if I decide it's needed."

The Japanese wanted to say something else, but his mind suddenly became heavy, and his head slowly reached the ground, the surroundings fading away into blackness.

::

The next morning, Lavi took the journal and, as usually, walked to Kanda's ward to... observe him a bit more. He never realized that he spend a lot more time there than he should have. His mind a bit numb at the moment due to fulfilling routine, yet at the same time somewhat cheerful since he liked it, he turned the key and pushed the door handle. He totally didn't expect what came next.

Kanda was sitting in his bed, his eyes turning to Lavi right at the moment he walked in, looking completely conscious. The redhead stopped and tilted his head a bit, it wasn't anything new for Kanda to wake up from time to time, but of course it was showing progress.

"Morning," Lavi greeted casually though he knew he wouldn't get a reply and walked closer intending to sit on his usual chair. Kanda frowned a bit, though he still looked at the doctor with completely clear gaze. And then it happened. The black-hair spoke, loud and clear, his pleasant-to-the-ear voice a bit hoarse due to being unused but his tone completely rational and even a bit demanding as his black eyes looked up at Lavi.

"Who _the hell _you _really_ are?"

::

* * *

::

**End Chapter**

::

HE FINALLY TALKS WHILE BEING AWARE OF IT! : D

By the way, Allen is alive. You'll learn what happened to him next chapter. : D


	7. Majestic Maze

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAVI !!** See, I even managed an update for this occasion. : D ...a long one and a weird one...yeah.

**AN:** Yes, I am a lazy, lazy ass and I can't update on time. Deal with it.

Also, the ultimate secret of Kanda's illness is uncovered this chapter! : D Lavi feels forgotten, while Allen actually was forgotten until I have written like half of the chapter. ..And I was so stressed about having forgotten Allen that I forgot Bookman who was left hanging since like four chapters ago, lol. I suck. And no, I really don't have that much acid knowledge aside from the fact it burns and a couple of formulas. Also, lots of timeskips and stuff because I just couldn't cover everything I wanted to happen in detail. Also, my 'sliver' style of writing is extremely present here, basically it's just separate scenes that fall together. Anyway. Hope you enjoy reading. : D

::

* * *

::

**Chapter VII : Majestic Maze**

::

Lavi blinked, several times, trying to realize what just happened. He stared at Kanda owlishly for a few moments before managing a weak "Huh?"

"I asked who you were," Kanda said impatiently, "And no tricks this time."

It was quite funny how a guy in a hospital bed who was tied up not so long ago and spent nearly three years in an almost coma-like state was awake and already bossing him around, Lavi thought. "I'm a doctor," he said carefully.

Talking already, and seemingly with no trouble? Really, even if it wasn't a real coma, he was surprised how Kanda could get up and walk around every now and then - to try to kill the sanitars taking care of him, for example - after spending this much time as an almost inanimate object. Sure, the nurses were applying physical therapy on him, but that alone couldn't have preserved his muscles - and from the look of it, it didn't. Sure, it wasn't completely gone, but there definitely wasn't enough of it for him to move on his own just yet. But if that was true, and it had to be..

How could any human being be able to move on sheer willpower alone?

Kanda looked like he was about to burst out laughing for a moment, but then just sneered. "You, a doctor? You're just an idiot Rabbit. Who the hell would give you that kind of a job?"

The redhead felt mildly offended. Alright, screw 'mildly', he _was_ offended. His most cared-about patient - whom he had thought about day and night and spend most of his time with - had just woken up from a nearly three-year nap, and the first thing he said was an insult. "I'm taking care of you, Yu," he said, looking down at the Japanese pridefully, standing in a sickeningly solemn posture with his shoulders turned back and his torso forth.

Kanda grunted and poked Lavi's stomach, causing the redhead to tumble into a more modest pose clutching his belly, and apparently deflating his ego. Then the Japanese looked up, a bit questioningly but still irritated. His voice had gotten a bit more quiet, apparently tiredness of moving his arm like this after being barely conscious until now was taking its toll. "How do you know my name?"

"I told you, I'm taking care of you," Lavi wheezed out and managed to sit on his usual chair. "This is a hospital. You--"

"I don't like it when people call me that."

"Look, I spend two damn years at your bedside, will you give me ANY credit and just listen?!"

Kanda scowled, his eyes widening slightly. Years? He was there for _years_? What happened to his life? He faintly remembered something from before, but he didn't really want to. He looked at the redhead for a few moments in silence before grumbling, "Continue." It was strange. He had never really talked to the man, yet he felt somewhat comfortable while talking to him. Like they had _known_ each other for years. And Kanda never particularly liked socializing. The flamehair must have been somehow special.

"You have been here for two years," Lavi said, now more silently. "Three years at whole you were practically unconscious, not exactly a coma because-- I'll just call it 'unresponsive'. You mumble excerpts of 'Alice in Wonderland' in your sleep. You've woken up several times for brief moments; one time you drew this," he took out the picture of messily drawn half-colored bleeding rose grown out of a sword's handle, "several times you were just screaming as if something was killing you, twice you nearly killed a pair of sanitars that tried to feed you - though I can't say anyone blames you for that - and also at some times you mentioned something about...this other place, which I guess this plant comes from." He shook the painting in front of Kanda's eyes and looked at him seriously. "If you can tell me anything more, it would be great. You're already one step closer to leaving this--"

"What kind of a hospital is this?" Kanda asked rather silently, it didn't look like he was listening at all.

Lavi looked at him for a few moments and sighed. "A mental one," he admitted. "Yu, you seemed to be in a coma yet your body wasn't hurt. All burns from the fire had already healed when you got here, and.." he paused as he saw Kanda's expression suddenly go blank at the mention of fire. "Look, I'm really sorry for you. That tragedy was truly horrible. But you need to get past it and live on. I'm sure that's what your family would want too and--"

"I'm never going to know what they would have wanted!" the Japanese practically screamed, making Lavi silence, taken aback, and sat up. "I'm not fucking crazy!"

Lavi briefly understood that the patient was holding him by his collar and shaking him, yelling at him. He had no idea how the hell could the man do that given the state he had been in (then again, the twins probably didn't either), and he had no idea how he didn't manage to react on time, but at least he was still alive, right? "Calm down, Yu," he said evenly, and the shaking stopped. "You're not going to prove that if you behave like this." Kanda glared at him but let go and slumped back onto the pillow. "That's right. Don't worry, I'll do what I can to get you out of here."

The dark eyes kept glaring at him. It looked like Kanda had used up the last of the energy he had at the moment, but was just too stubborn to fall into sleep.

"Look," Lavi sighed, "You may think I talk about things I don't know. So just you know, my parents died a long time ago. The only person who cares about me is my grandfather, and he's not exactly a caring person."

The dark eyes widened a little, not turning the gaze away from Lavi, glare having faded out though there was still a frown on the Japanese's face.

"While you still have a lot of people that give a shit about you," the redhead continued more silently. "You're selfish if you think otherwise. Your Godfather is here. So are your two cousins - Lenalee is worried sick about you. She always believed you would wake up eventually. And I care--"

The name seemed to light some kind of memories fire in Kanda's empty eyes, and his lips parted just a little. "Lenalee.." he forced out, staring in front of himself. He thought she was dead. Was she not? Well, things were definitely turning out funny today. He really felt tired by now, but he just had to make sure this wasn't another dream. "Can I.. see her?"

There was a small sad smile on Lavi's face. It was probably a good thing he didn't manage to finish that sentence. It was so unprofessional, after all. "Of course."

::

When Lavi finally found Lenalee, she looked concerned.

"Have you seen Allen-kun?" she asked, but the redhead shook his head. "He didn't look too well last time I saw him.."

"Maybe he went to rest or something," Lavi suggested. Really, at the moment his head was too full of Kanda's unbelievable awakening to think about random lost doctors or even less - sanitars, even if they were supposed to be his best friends. What could have happened anyway? "Lenalee, I have some good news."

The young woman looked up at him, slightly confused but hopeful at the same time.

"Yu woke up."

::

Allen slowly opened his eyes. He felt dizzy, but the feeling from earlier was gone; the gas had probably worn out or he simply slept it through. The ward was empty and smelled of medicine and some other strange odors; the ceiling was bright and clean and he looked at it for quite a while without moving. Once the view of the room became clear, he realized just what woke him up.

Excruciating pain in his left hand. It felt like all the skin has been peeled off from it, starting from below shoulder and going all the way to the fingertips. The young man gritted his teeth and looked around. He faintly remembered Road, but she wasn't there at the moment, and he slowly sat up, finally glancing at his arm. It looked similarly to how it felt, despite the fact that it was clumsily bandaged with rags that were already bloody. Allen grimaced and tried to get off the bed. Just what had happened? He sat there for a while, until faintly, a creepily sweet voice found its way back to his memory.

* * *

_"Oh, Allen-kun, now we're going to play and have so much fun!"_

_Something restricted him from moving, it had to be the usual equipment of this kind of a hospital. There were sounds of drawers being opened and bottles clanking, but he was too drowsy to register any of it._

_"Now we're going to wake you up.." there was liquid being poured on his arm - wait, it hurt, did he injure it when he was falling? - and then slowly, very slowly, it started to hurt more, and more, and more..._

_"AAAH!" he screamed, pulled out of his slumber by the unimaginable pain and would have jolted up if it wasn't for the belts and ropes holding him. Trying to force his eyes from tearing up, he turned his head._

_There was Road, smiling sweetly, holding a bottle in her hands. He couldn't see the label, but the distinct smell in the air was oddly familiar.. "What's the matter?" the psychotic girl's chirping voice rang through his pounding head. "Is the medicine too strong?"_

_Acid._

_"Or maybe you need more?"_

_"No, Road, wait!" Allen forced out, gritting his teeth. He wasn't going to entertain the little sadist by showing the pain. "Do you even know what you're doing?"_

_The girl put her index finger to the man's lips, smiling. "Shh," she said as if it was the most wonderful kind of a game, "You're in no shape to tell me what to do, Mr. Walker."_

_Another shower of acid, this time covering his whole arm. He couldn't help but shout again, though he shut up as soon as he could. "Road..." It wasn't going to work with her. To her this was a game, and if he wanted to have any chance, he had to treat it as a game as well. He managed to reach this decision despite the fact that his brain was pulsating painfully and he really was surprised he was still able to think at all. "That's...not interesting. It's just..one kind of medicine." He could feel the acid eating through his skin and start burning his muscles. "What other bottles do you have?"_

_Road blinked, then smiled widely. "A white one and a blue one," she chirped. "This was the green one, feeling better?"_

_Normal medicine were usually stored in simple bottles, so the potion that could cancel the acid's effects had to be in the last one. It just had to, because otherwise he was facing a very ungrateful end. "A..lot," Allen forced out, it felt like his arm was on fire. "But I'm curious about.. what does the blue one do?"_

_"Ah! So am I!" Road cried happily, taking the lid off the blue one. "We're really so alike, no Allen-kun?" She spilled the bottle's contains all over the white-haired man's arm and smiled widely._

_'Shit', Allen though as the pain only got worse. That was it. He was going to croak it in three, maybe five minutes. All that time locked inside a ward with a nutcase girl who will most likely rape his corpse afterwards. This was so unfair.. And he met Lenalee such a little time ago. At least he managed to apologise to her, but she will never know that--_

_Was the pain subsiding?_

_Allen sighed with relief as the burning slowly cooled off. Apparently the mixture just needed time to work. He didn't really feel like looking at his arm at the moment though, he knew damage was already done. Well, if he survives this, he will make sure to tell Lenalee how he feels..._

_"..better?" Road's voice interrupted his thoughts, she was still smiling sweetly but sounded a little irritated._

_"Yes, I'm great," Allen forced a smile. "I've never felt better, really, so there's no need for you to waste your medical skills any further--"_

_"Time to celebrate!" the girl chirped, grabbing a random piece of fabric used to clean the floor and wrapping it around Allen's abused arm. The young man grimaced as the touch hurt almost as bad as the acid, but managed to keep silent this time. "Who wants tea?"_

_Before Allen could say anything, there was a tea tray placed on his stomach, while Road started clanging cups and the teapot, and the surprise was all the worse when a cat jumped into the ward through the window from the top of a nearby tree, squeezing itself through the bars of the ward._

_A stray striped cat, and it was looking at them. It was horribly scrawny and its eyes were burning unhealthy green light._

_"Guests!" Road cried happily and ran to the cat. She grabbed it and dragged it back to the bed, putting it on the opposite side of the tea-tray than Allen's face was. "Mr. Chesire Cat, meet Allen-kun and me, the Queen of Wonderland!" She laughed, her voice sounding like a crystal bell._

_Allen felt a chill run down his spine. While Road just laughed. She laughed and laughed, and the cat sat still, not moving and staring at her. Allen was seriously starting to doubt his chance of surviving right now, and this all was just so creepy... Wait. Didn't he hear Lavi say something about Wonderland the other day? Could it be related?_

_"Come on, Allen-kun, join us," Road's voice had turned demanding as she filled a cup and pressed it to Allen's mouth. The whitey kept his mouth shut; he couldn't even swallow his own saliva due to the pain, even less drink tea. He watched as the psycho girl forced a cup of tea into the cat's throat, what resulted in the poor animal jumping out the same way it came there, unfortunately missing the tree by a good couple of inches. "Come back, kitty!"_

_"Hurts.." Allen whispered breathlessly, squeezing his eyes shut. This was all madness. Complete madness. He needed to get out.._

_"So, you won't drink, huh?" Road pouted as she walked back to the young man and took out the white bottle, "There's still one left.."_

_Allen didn't have to know what it was, a syringe stabbed him and the room went fuzzy. It had to be morphine, he thought as sleepyness overtook him and everything slowly faded and he fell unconscious._

_He didn't even hear Road's disappointed "Awww" as she watched him fall asleep._

_The girl sighed and headed for the door. "I'll be back soon," she sang and dance-walked out the door. The lock clicked, and there was nothing else._

_

* * *

_

Allen grimaced as he finally got off the bed and walked to the window, trying not to move his arm. It wasn't too high, but it was the third floor nonetheless, plus the window was barred, like everywhere in the hospital. He forced himself to walk to the shelves and look through it, and soon he found what he was looking for, a sickly yellow bottle in the far corner of the cabinet with the same color disgustingly smelling liquid within. All that time Allen had no idea how he was still conscious, since his head was pounding and he was seeing green from the pain.

One of the bars was soon smoking and hissing after the liquid was poured on its lower part which was quickly losing its shape. Allen grabbed the bar's top with his good hand and pulled as hard as he could, gritting his teeth. Whether pain didn't have impact on his strength, or the acid was stronger than he thought, but the bar quite easily gave in. The same fate met another one, and that left the window with a quite wide hole through which the young man was sure he could squeeze himself through. _Thank god she didn't spill THAT on me_, Allen thought as he looked around for something to soften the impact, knowing that if he didn't hurry up, his consciousness might falter out.

::

Kanda wasn't sure whether he should be happy or angry. Lenalee was there, she was alive, alright, grown into a nice young lady, she was talking to him and looking at him with eyes similar to that of his mother's, containing both concern and happyness. For some reason at first she looked like she was about to cry, but apparently managed to hold it back, and a smile was shining on her face. Yet at the same time, he was laying there powerless, having been seen by her like this for years, not even having enough strength to reply to her properly as he was still tired from his earlier outburst. Yes, that was a very mixed feeling.

The red-haired doctor was there too, and his look was somewhat similar as well, though Kanda didn't have a very good idea why someone he just met would be so concerned about him ('We met two years ago,' Lavi reminded bitterly when he inquired that). The man seemed to be strangely.. _warm_, and surprisingly his presence didn't annoy the Japanese at all, what was quite unexpected. Maybe they _were_ acquintances for a longer time, maybe he knew it subconsciously but just didn't remember? Anyway, Kanda felt like he could trust the man, even if feeling such things made him angry at himself.

How could they both be so happy with him after what he did...what he let happen? To him it mattered, it mattered a lot, but they didn't want to talk about it, nor about his sister, they didn't want to 'give him stress' though that was exactly what he wanted, to talk about it. Maybe next time, he didn't really feel like talking much at the moment anyway.

So it was actually a surprise when his thoughts were drawn away from his past, Lenalee and the doctor as he saw something move behind the window.

"What the hell?" Kanda suddenly blurted, apparently forgetting he could barely talk as he watched something huge and white fly downwards past the window. "What was that?"

Lenalee and Lavi looked at him surprised, then looked at each other, and then both turned towards the window, while of course there was nothing there anymore.

"What was it?" Lavi asked with a light frown.

Lenalee didn't seem too convinced either, "Are you sure you're feeling alright?" she muttered and squeezed Kanda's hand lightly. "Maybe you need to rest, I've been long enough here as it is.."

Kanda managed a silent "Che" and pulled his hand away. "I'm not crazy," he said very silently. Lavi tilted his head a bit, apparently expecting an answer, which the black-haired man managed to muster after a small pause and some deep breaths. "It was some ugly white thing or person falling down, your director sure has a weird idea of decorating the place."

Lavi blinked. It was a bit too detailed and simple to be delirium. He shook his head lightly, hiding the doubt in his look and headed for the window to make sure just what had happened. Lenalee's eyes followed him with a deepening frown of concern, while Kanda just stared blankly after him, apparently not interested at all what or who it was.

When Lavi stepped away from the window, he was pale. "Lenalee, call the town hospital. Have them send a vehicle and a couple of doctors. Yu, you stay put and try to sleep, you're already tired." Kanda just grunted and rolled his eyes, it's not like he was going to go anywhere.

"What happened?" Lenalee gasped, standing up rapidly and clearly planning to go see for herself, but Lavi blocked her way and motioned towards the door.

"Quickly!"

The girl stared at him for a moment then nodded and ran out. _'Please let everything be alright,' _she thought as she reached the end of the hallway and picked up the phone.

::

_March 15, 1884_

_Unbelievable. Yu woke up yesterday, fully conscious. He was even able to move - not much, but that's still incredible. He must have outstanding willpower or there is something I overlooked again. He seems to be...is 'happy' really a right word when talking about him? He doesn't really show it, but his expression becomes a little softer when Lenalee visits him or brings him flowers - it looks like he likes it but doesn't want to admit it as he always has this huge obviously fake frown when Lenalee stuffs the bouquet into the vase next to his bed - or when...I think, when I talk to him. Maybe it just seems so. I shouldn't think such things. Anyway, it's great news and great progress. I'm sure he'll be out of here in no time._

_But something bad happened as well. Allen Walker. I'm not sure what happened to him but I'm sure the Noah clan had something to do with it. Actually, it's just the luck that we found him in time. If it wasn't for Yu, who knows what might have happened. Anyway, there was a sheets-made rope hanging through the window in the third floor; Allen apparently used that to get outside of the room but lost consciousness midway and fell. The fall didn't seem to hurt him too badly but his left arm was bleeding and looked horrible, as if all the skin got burned off from it._

_Lenalee was shocked. She left with the doctors that took him to see him to the hospital in the town center, however she got back here in the evening as she claimed no one else would take care of Kanda as well as she does. The poor girl seems to be torn. She's determined to travel between the hospitals every day, not to mention that her brother insists they quit this job and move to work in another place. Nobody is talking about what happened, nobody is brave enough to call the police or try addressing higher authorities. It had to be the work of that devilish family, and now everyone must be thinking the same: who is next?_

_I can't say I'm that eager of staying here myself after what happened, but I promised to cure Yu and patients can't be signed into different institutions without a ton of reasons and paperwork. He'd better get well soon or...or I don't even know, the atmosphere was always tense here but this is the first time something actually happened to the personnel. No matter what risk it puts my unbiasness into, I'm giving my other patients to different doctors and taking full care of Yu now, so Lenalee doesn't have to travel ten kilometers every few hours._

_Grandpa doesn't say anything yet but this morning I walked past his office while the door was opened, and saw most of his things packed. I don't want to think what this means. I can't leave. Not now. I can't leave Yu._

::

When Lavi finally set everything up so he could leave the hospital for a day - that meant getting Lenalee and Tiedoll to Kanda's ward - he went to the town to visit Allen. They were sort of friends after all, even back in the study days, and he felt bad for not visiting the latter sooner but there was simply no way.

Meanwhile Tiedoll was so happy when Lavi told him the news about Kanda a couple of days after the awakening, that he started crying from happiness and fainted. As soon as he regained consciousness he went straight to the asylum. Kanda didn't seem too happy about his visit, but if you knew him as much as Lavi thought he did and Lenalee and Tiedoll did, you could see that it actually made him feel more at ease. Maybe that was the only form of happiness that he exploited. Who knows.

Kanda didn't stay awake _all_ the time; sometimes he would say something that no one could understand, and sometimes he'd spend the whole day slumbering, but he was occasionally waking up with full consciousness and that was _huge_ progress.

After few more days, Lavi decided to go and visit Allen Walker, and maybe learn a bit more of what happened.

::

When he reached the town hospital, it was already midday, though he left practically at daybreak. With some help from his collegues, he found the ward rather quickly and walked in after knocking.

The ward was white and clean, and there was a vase with small bouquet of flowers on the table next to the bed - obviously a sign of Lenalee's care. Allen was laying on the bed, his left arm bandaged from shoulder to fingertips, and there was a pile of empty dishes on the other side of the bed - apparently he had already gotten his appetite back.

"Hey," they both greeted at the same time. Lavi grimaced a little and sat down. Allen gave him an encouraging smile, though you could see he was still in pain.

They talked a bit, about how Allen was feeling and about how everyone seemed to be wanting to leave the asylum that was more crazy than its patients. Eventually though, the white-haired man frowned a bit and looked at Lavi intently.

"Lavi..didn't you have someone in your care, who mentioned anything about Wonderland?"

Lavi nearly fell off the chair. Were rumors spreading already or something? Sure, he spent a lot of time in Kanda's ward, but this was funny. "Yes?" he replied, as he thought, as business-like as possible what apparently didn't work as Allen sent him a weird look, but it ended with that.

"Road.." he grimaced a bit as he said that name, for obvious reasons, "She.. seems to like that story a lot. She also called herself the 'Queen of Wonderland', and from what I saw she has access to the medicine supplies."

Lavi frowned, that certainly was too weird to be a coincidence yet he didn't see any way to connect this. "Queen of Wonderland?" he repeated and scratched his temple.

"Yes."

::

When Lavi got back to the asylum, it was already late evening, yet he immediately headed for Kanda's ward. In the hallway, he met the nurse who was giving out the medicine doses for the night, walking from ward to ward, and stopped her.

"Yes, sir?" she asked, stepping away from the cart with a load of small glasses with cards.

"When I asked you to lessen the dosage, did you do it?" There was no reason to specify, she was heading

"Of course."

"Can you show me where you take the medicine from?"

_'I have no idea what I'm doing,' _Lavi thought as he followed the nurse towards the locked shelf where the medicine was kept. He barely realized what he was doing when he started checking the bottles. The one thing he realized though, was that the lithium containers smelled like morphine and morphine smelled like lithium, and if none of the nurses realized - or simply didn't care enough - all the patients were getting the wrong mixtures of the medication. Of course, for the stronger ones it might have not mattered, but for some...

No wonder there were deaths lately. How could God let anyone play with human lives so recklessly? Sure, none of them were Lavi's patients so the guilt didn't fall on him, but he respected every human life. After all, he was a doctor. It didn't matter if he didn't know those people, it mattered that for someone they meant less than a broken toy. It was horrible.

And who knows how long this was happening? Days, maybe weeks? The consequences could have been horrible.

"What do we do?" the nurse asked, clearly horrified though Lavi was sure she was more concerned about losing her job than all the people she helped to the afterlife.

"Fix all the labels," Lavi practically snarled and turned around. "Order new medicine, NOW. And I'm telling my grandfather." He stormed off, quickly checking on Kanda on his way, making sure he was just asleep.

::

Bookman didn't look very happy when Lavi told him what happened, however he didn't say much, just that the Noahs couldn't always have it how they wanted and that some things would change. Lavi didn't know what it was nor wanted to, but all he could do at the moment was wait.

And he did just that, hoping that fixing everyone's medication would help things - they had to do it bit by bit of course - however Kanda's condition didn't seem to change. Even after a couple of weeks, when his dosage was already the exact one Lavi had assigned to him before - since the incident he made sure to check it every time - he would suddenly start talking out of the blue when he felt like it, or he'd just stay unresponsive and pretend to be asleep. The expectations of rapid improvement were not met.

Nothing changed.

::

Once again, what now was already usual, Lavi walked in and put the journal on the table before plopping down on his usual chair. It was afternoon, and this wasn't the first time he came here today, but he always felt the need to go here as often as possible, especially now that half of the meals was his responsibility as well - needless to say though, Kanda could already eat himself what he did, not always successfully.

The first time Lavi suggested feeding him, Kanda sent him a glare that clearly said he would kill the latter if he could for even a thought like that. Yet Lavi did it. The following day too. Kanda was mad about it, but didn't really have any choice. On the third day he insisted he would eat himself, but had a lot of trouble with cutlery, and Lavi spent over an hour teaching him to hold it properly. Their hands met quite a lot of times during that lesson, and Lavi couldn't help but feel some kind of...softness which he couldn't explain. It's like all this was completely natural. He didn't know what Kanda was thinking, but as he wasn't hit nor stabbed with a fork, he figured the other man found it just as comfortable.

But now Kanda was good enough at it himself, and all Lavi was allowed to do was sit next to him and watch him eating. What, Tiedoll stated, was already a lot.

"Hey, Yu," he greeted, seeing that the other man was awake, "How was your day?"

"The Mad Hatter tried to drown me today," Kanda replied nonchalantly and stared at the ceiling. "So I tried to do the same and then he ran away."

"It wasn't the Mad Hatter, Yu," Lavi muttered with a slight funny-looking grimace, "It was one of our nurses, that were helping you to take a bath today, Tyki Mikk. You spilled the whole bucket of water on him, and he had to go change." Tyki was probably the only one from the family who wasn't that interested in their devilish deeds and only worked to get money to eat, and this probably meant that even Kanda's daily routines were going to fall on Lavi's shoulders if he continued to piss off the rest of the personnel like this. It was getting dangerous, they might have done something despite of the patient's family, and this had to be sorted out.

Kanda scoffed and didn't say anything. Lavi smiled a little bit and kept silent for a while as well. Then he slowly put his hand on the Japanese's, frowning a little as he had to fulfill the formal part of the visit, even if it stopped feeling like just work to him long ago, back when Kanda wouldn't answer and just look somewhere through him, seeing something that he could not.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Great, doctor. I'm not afraid of anything and we're almost there."

Lavi blinked, eyeing the patient slightly confused. "Almost where?"

Kanda opened his mouth as if to say something, but just sighed and closed his eyes, apparently tired and going to sleep. Lavi kept looking at him, minutes passing, wondering just what was happening in the other man's head.

::

"I'm sorry, but we can't let him be cured at home just yet," Lavi sighed as he and Tiedoll stopped outside Kanda's ward to talk after the long visit. "You've seen how he is. One moment he's completely normal, and the other he talks who-knows-what."

The old man looked at him with reproach. "I know that," he said calmly, "I'd take the full responsibility. I just don't like this place. At first it seemed alright, but now.." He didn't know the full story, but he did know that someone had hurt a sanitar here and he didn't like it.

"I'm doing everything I can." Lavi's tone was steady, but his gaze was directed somewhere above Tiedoll's shoulder. "I'll let you know as soon as you can take him home."

::

The next visit to the Bookman's office definitely wasn't pleasant. Everything was already packed, and the old man was talking on the phone. Lavi frowned and waited until he would pay any attention to him.

"Good, you're here," Bookman said dryly as he hung up and turned to Lavi, hiding his hands in the sleeves of his long doctor coat. "We're leaving."

Lavi gaped and stepped back, nearly sitting down on the floor. "Huh?" he managed. His legs suddenly felt as if it was made from wood.

"I've had it with this incompetent, twisted and inhuman hole," the old man snapped. "We're leaving and opening a small department at the town's main hospital."

"I can't leave!" Lavi snapped back. "I have responsibilities--"

"Responsibilities that made you forget your purpose as a doctor and focus all of your energy on a single person," Bookman retorted calmly. "It's unprofessional, Lavi. And in a place like this, it's even dangerous."

Lavi sighed frustratedly. "Of course it's dangerous! That's why I can't leave him here! I made a promise and when I become a doctor I swore I would do everything in my power to help those who need it the most!"

Bookman sent him a strange look, and for a few moments Lavi thought the ceiling was going to fall on him. "I'm sorry about that, kid," the old man said unexpectedly softly. "I've already submitted blanks of quitting the job for both of us. It will reach the director in three days." Lavi just kept looking at him, utterly horrified. "I hope that's enough for you. Do what you think you must."

With that, he walked out of the office, leaving his red-haired grandson completely crushed under the news.

::

Tiedoll slowly sat up and grabbed around for his glasses. It was completely dark outside, it had to be around midnight. Who could have been knocking on his hotel room's door at this hour? "Coming! Wait a moment!" He quickly put a bathrobe on his pajamas, found his slippers and hurried towards the door, losing one slipper on his way.

When he opened the door, there was a young red-haired man in a dark coat. Even though the clothing was different, he immediately recognized it was the doctor assigned to Yu-kun. What was this supposed to mean?

"Did something happen?" he asked worriedly, holding one hand over his heart. Talk about surprises. He never particularly liked it.

Lavi shook his head, catching his breath. "Don't worry," he managed, "Yu's alright, nothing happened yet, we need to talk."

Tiedoll nodded, a frown suddenly decorating his usually gentle face, and stepped to the side, inviting the early guest in. It had to be important if someone like him was in such a rush. Lavi quickly stepped in, and the door closed.

::

"..And that's why we have to do this," Lavi finished. "It might cost me my profession, but I don't really care at the moment." He really meant that. He wasn't sure why - or rather, he had an idea and was scared of it - but he had to save Yu, even if that was the last thing he does as a doctor, he had to do it.

Tiedoll nodded. He couldn't believe half of what the young man had said about the hospital, but he wasn't taking any chances where Yu-kun was involved. "If anything, I'll hire you to take care of him," he said, trying to force his nerves down because getting freaked out wasn't helping anyone. "He likes you a lot, Yu-kun does."

Lavi just nodded tiredly. "Please come to the hospital as soon as the visiting hours start, fill in the relatives blank for signing out the patients. I will do the rest," he muttered, glad that the man didn't ask too many unnecessary questions.

A few minutes later, they shook hands and Lavi left just as quickly as he arrived.

He still couldn't believe he was doing this, but he didn't see any other way. He was going to fake Kanda's file. He was going to write down that he was healed enough to be taken in by his relatives - or in this case, Godfather who agreed to immediately take action for this - and that he no longer needed strict hospitalization. What was a big fat lie, but as long as he was around he could fix things, and he could manage it like this, and he could not if Yu was still in the hospital where he didn't work anymore. It had to work.

He spend the rest of the dying nightfall making false records and false dates in the journal. The light in his office didn't went out until the sun rose.

::

"So, your little patient's Godfather wants to sign him out of the hospital," the Director said sweetly, looking at Lavi over his glasses. Like always, he had a wide grin plastered on, but his look seemed almost angry. He didn't want to let a person who had wronged his family out of his grasp, yet this was law and he had to obey to it...as long as all the requirements were met. "However, from what I've heard, he's not doing much progress, is he?"

Lavi managed to return the look without cowering under it. Hell, he was out of this job in a few days, that sure added a bit to his confidence. "On the contrary," he said happily, "In the last few weeks he made outstanding progress. Actually enough to take him off constant medication. Here." He pushed the journal and several papers to the Director over his table. "All the details and measurements are here."

The Director's smile turned more stiff as he slowly looked over all the data, then pushed it back and put his chin on his joined fingers. "Yes, apparently so," he forced out in the sweetest tone he could manage. "If these records speak true, that is."

Lavi felt his heart skip a beat, but managed to keep a straight face. He couldn't possibly know. "Of course they do," he said firmly. "I wouldn't shame my profession by lying."

"Of course not." Director's smile turned slightly carnivorish, and Lavi barely kept from shivering. "It's not a problem if I see the patient for myself, then? Just to...make sure there are no...complications." Lavi really hoped he didn't turn pale. "How about during April 1st's check-up?"

Lavi swallowed. This has turned bad. He didn't think anyone else would actually check on Kanda before letting him go. If they did and talked to him, and he started going about Wonderland again....well, they both would be SO fucking SCREWED. "Yes," he managed slightly breathlessly and mentally cursed.

"It's not a problem, is it?"

"Of course not, sir," Lavi answered firmly with a smile, though his brain was rapidly working out how the hell he could make this work or at least get Kanda to shut up about what it was needed. "No problem at all."

::

_March 29,1884_

_There is nothing I can do to clear his mind. He keeps talking about the Wonderland, and he has become so stubborn that any words I say won't reach him unless he wants them to. He talks when he wants and what he wants, and even his relatives aren't an exception. I feel like I had spend years by a dried river, waiting for the water to spill out, and when it finally did, I'm unable to stop it, nor find the cause of its poison._

_The day after tomorrow is my last day here. I don't know how can I manage to pull this off. I'll have to try. All or nothing. If it succeeds, if Yu understands why I want him to behave how I told him to, we'll be out of here. If not...I don't know what will happen._

::

The next morning Kanda gave Lavi another surprise - though lesser than the one where he woke up. He was sitting up with a rather contented expression and drawing in Lavi's doctor journal with one of the pencils that Tiedoll had brought him.

Sure, Lavi knew about the 'drawing therapy' and how helpful it could be sometimes, but the fact that Kanda solely insisted practicing that in the book with all of Lavi's serious work made him be more skeptical about it. Not to mention that it definitely looked like the Japanese was doing that on purpose, however what he gained from teasing the redhead, was unknown. It was almost as if he wanted to be hated to an extent, and yet kept it at such a childish level that Lavi just couldn't do it.

So when the doctor managed to get his journal back and look at the drawing, Kanda simply laid back down and fell asleep without saying a word.

In the picture, there was a castle. Rather, it should have been a castle; it looked way too creepy to be one. It seemed to be floating over an abyss denying all the laws of physics, and there was some kind of sphere covering its roof. There was a narrow bridge leading to it, and on it there was a small stick figure with a sword and a ponytail, and a rabbit on its shoulder.

Lavi stared at the drawing, his brain working desperately and trying to realize what he had overlooked.

And then it hit him. It wasn't because of illness that Kanda refused to eat and speak for years after his sister's death. All those years of not doing any vital routines unless they were forced onto him, Kanda was feeling horribly guilty about surviving; while the vivid hallucinations and the amazing tales of Wonderland were in fact caused by morphine and nothing else.

Kanda wasn't mentally ill.

He was just stubborn like that.

::

* * *

::

**End Chapter**

::


	8. Behind the Looking Glass

**AN:** You thought I died, didn't you. : D It took longer than usually.. Well, I have a busy year. Better this than nothing, yeah? Now then.

Well, this story is slowly heading towards the end (I've planned it to take up 11 chapters in total). I was planning to do an ambiguous ending at first, but then the need of actual romance kicked in. So yeah, now I'm going to ask you, dear readers, what do YOU want? An ending that can be interpreted as either friendship or romance, or do you want a clear implying of gayness at the epilogue? There won't be anything hardcore anyway, so I'm really fine with either way, I just can't make up my damn mind lol. So, please let me know your opinion while you're reviewing. :3 (Yes, I want reviews!)

Also, you got a longass chapter the previous time, so now this is shorter. : D

**Warnings:** Some actually _crack_ approach and lack of plot that has to do with anyone else than Lavi and Kanda. : O

::

* * *

::

**Chapter VIII : Behind The Looking-Glass**

::

Did he just wake up from a dream or fall into one?

Kanda couldn't answer that question as he found himself walking through the emerald-green forest. It didn't take too much time for the Rabbit to reappear from wherever it had gone to, and the castle was now rather clear in the distance.

"So how do you like the world?" Rabbit asked, his eyes glinting almost mischievously. Kanda flinched lightly, having gotten a reassurance that the place he could feel and comprehend much better was after all just a hallucination. "You seem to be spending more time there lately."

"It's alright." He didn't really want to elaborate further; it _was_ alright but there the constantly growing feeling of guilt was even worse than here. He'd almost prefer this safe cage of his mind, however relying on that could have ended in him losing himself completely and he didn't want that. And not only because, to his own displeasement, he found himself growing somewhat fond of the world and what he had left in it. No. He didn't deserve to just disappear, to just lose his mind, not even to die, after letting her to. That was the very reason for him, despite of having all symptoms of depression, to never raise hand against himself - he didn't deserve an easy way out after all his family went through - while slow, painful starving to death could have done but it went out of question now. He might have been able to bear with what had happened and move on, but he was certain that his beloved baby sister could never forgive him, and that was exactly what was holding him back.

Rabbit looked at him more intently, but didn't say anything for the moment.

The green forest suddenly turned into a darker shade, and a creepy, cold shriek could be heard from further ahead. Kanda instinctively gripped the hilt of his blade tighter, and his expectations were right - in a few more seconds, a demonic shape floated from between the trees, shabby wings spread towards the Japanese and a long, sharp tail almost brushing the ground. It was a Grief alright, and its red-flame eyes soon set on Kanda as the phantom moved towards him. The world grew darker.

The Rabbit smiled softly, in a way that was disturbingly familiar from another world, and suddenly disappeared; Kanda saw a rag doll laying in the place where the friendly creature had just been. Well of course, as soon as there was danger he'd get ditched.

::

He didn't like the feeling when one of those things would appear. It was freezing and it was also very uneasy on his mind, however this time he didn't feel as bad as he had the last time. He unsheathed the sword and waited as the phantom floated closer.

_Will to live._

That was what the Rabbit said was the ultimate force in this world. Did he have it?

He didn't know himself.

It was cold, and voices told him things that he wanted to forget, and he saw what he hoped he would never have to, and it had to be one of those rare, rare moments when he was actually scared, and he knew he needed to have some will, any of it, but he didn't know if he did..

But he wanted to see the world again and kick both of the stupid Rabbits really hard. Yes, he really wanted that. And for that, he had to--

_I'm going to live._

The decision was right there in his mind, said as a statement, not a wish, and it seemed completely clear at the moment. The sword vibrated lightly and the blade suddenly gleamed a blank blue light. Kanda didn't take his time to get surprised.

"Go to the hell you came from!"

And this time, as the blade descended on the Grief, the blue flare caught it, and it burned, almost in an instant, letting out a shriek that turned into silence and there suddenly was nothing, the light on the sword flickering lightly and fading out.

::

And, oh surprise - as soon as the ghoul disappeared, Rabbit jumped up, once again in his normal shape, looking even more contented than before. Kanda glared at him, but he didn't seem to mind.

"There'll be more of them the closer we get to the castle," Rabbit explained. "They don't like that you went to the other side, and you getting closer to the tower means you're closer to escaping, and they don't want a potential snack to escape. You'd better be up to it."

"I am," Kanda snorted, "unless you weren't watching, in which case I'll reassure you that thing didn't just run off."

"And what helped you?" Rabbit asked playfully, the next moment whining loudly as Kanda grabbed him by ears and lifted him up to his eye level, glaring at him. "Oww! Don't be so snappy!"

Kanda continued glaring at him for a few moments, then just grumbled a "Che" and put the poor thing down, eyeing the tower with a thoughtful frown as they continued walking in silence. After about fifteen minutes, the Japanese spoke again, rather silently, his gaze still locked on the tower, "What awaits there?"

Rabbit suddenly seemed strangely proud of Kanda, and smiled mysteriously. "Good question," he said. "You might have not realized it yet, but your mind is bound to this world. By simply coming here, you already striked a deal with this universe. If you try to break it, to leave without completing the journey, it will slowly suck in your very soul, drop by drop, day by day, and you'll end up in the Chamber of Demons, trapped in the nightmares of yourself and materializing the fear and pain of others."

"That's quite difficult," the samurai sneered. "I'm a goner if I lose, I'm a goner if I leave. Is there even a win situation?" He looked just as pissed off as he usually was, though actually he was slightly troubled now. From what he'd seen of the Demons' Chamber, it was even worse than joining the Griefs' ranks, and he didn't fancy either of those options. Not to mention that now when the supposedly real word was attracting him, he apparently was balancing on the very dangerous line.

Rabbit nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, there is. Completing the journey, reaching the goal - the castle. If you can get through all of the guardians, you will find someone you need to meet the most and yet only once. In the castle, behind those stone walls, for you there waits --"

::

Kanda wasn't sure what was happening, but his worlds seemed to be mixing together almost painfully, and he didn't like that sensation one bit. He was just making his way towards this huge building that was supposed to mark the final destination of his journey, but the views suddenly started halting as if it was some kind of synthetic illusion, then all sounds turned into buzzing, and the landscape slowly faded out.

It was a dream; this time he felt certain that this was a dream.

"-- your sister." The mixed chorus of the voices that belonged to the crazy Rabbit of the Wonderland and the crazy Rabbit of the Hospital, and for a moment he saw both of them. Then the hospital Rabbit slowly started becoming more clear - so clear that the red was almost blinding.

Behind the shapes of the Wonderland environment, he could clearly see white ceiling, and when he turned - a barred window, what clearly implied he was back at the hospital. Whether it was real or not, he was there now, so he had to make the best of it -- oh damn it, apparently he couldn't move well here for whatever reasons, that was just annoying.

"Yu, please, I'm not asking of you to stop loving them, but please gather yourself up and live, for them," the hospital Rabbit pleaded, and Kanda looked towards him, wondering why on Earth did the latter suddenly became so desperate. His eyes hurt when he turned them.

"What the?.." he muttered, attempting to scowl, but it wasn't as successful as he would have wished. He realized that he was hurting all over, and briefly wondered what could have been the reason for it.

Lavi's face lit up with relief when Kanda spoke. "Ah, Yu," he sighed and for a moment looked like he was about to hug the latter, but stopped himself the last moment. "I was afraid you wouldn't take the lessening of the dosage.. You were talking in your sleep." He probably felt the slight fear in Kanda's look, and quickly added, "You just mentioned this name.. I thought you were having a nightmare about _her_ again." He avoided using the word 'sister', not wanting the Japanese's face to gain that blank look that would appear every time the fire was mentioned.

Kanda looked at him for a few moments, and Lavi felt nearly scared, but the black-haired man just sighed and moved his look to glare holes in the ceiling again instead. "I'm hurting," he just stated.

Lavi blinked, then waved his hand in the air. "Ah, yes, morphine does that. See, we've come to conclusion you don't need it anymore so we're trying to get you off it.. this might not be pleasant at first but it'll get better, I promise." He smiled a genuine, stupid Rabbit smile, and Kanda would have grabbed him by imaginary ears if he had managed to lift his arm.

But he didn't, so instead he just let out a huff that was supposed to mean something between 'I see' and 'Whatever', and remained still.

He felt strangely real.

::

_April 1, 1884_

_It's early morning and I'm scared. _

_Today is the day when everything is decided. The Director is coming in a couple of hours, and then...then we'll see what happens. I tried talking to Yu, but it's not much use - he's very stubborn, _and_ he's suffering from withdrawals, and even though I'm quite sure he hears everything I ask, he doesn't bother to reply, not even if he agrees or not. Lenalee still hasn't quit - if it comes to worst and Yu can't leave, she'll be looking after him here. And me...I could always become a teacher, I guess._

_No, I shouldn't think of that. It has to work. Yu's consciousness is clear like never before, and I'm sure he won't mess anything up._

_I almost forgot - it's April 1st today, that is, April Fool's Day, and yet we work like it's the most common day of the year. I know, wouldn't it be ironic if we celebrated a day for fools over here, in a mental institution? Most definitely. Maybe that's why we don't. Some things just are different here._

_Now that I think of it, I almost _want_ to leave this place._

_But not without Yu._

::

Lavi was sitting next to Kanda's bed, gripping his hand, his expression almost desperate as he repeated the same words over and over again, while the Japanese simply stared up at him with a mix of the 'you're a retard' and the 'I eat babies' faces. "And please Yu, remember, don't mention anything about the Wonderland. I believe you, but you can't mention it to the man who's going to come here. He won't believe you, he'll think you're making things up, and that would be bad. Please Yu, don't--"

He silenced as he heard heavy, slow footsteps in the hallway, and waited.

This had to be him.

Kanda scoffed and turned his head towards the door - he could already do small motions without overstraining himself - and simply looked at it.

The door opened.

"Good morning, dears," Director Earl greeted sweetly and stuffed his massive body through the door with unexpected swiftness. Lavi caught a glimpse of Tyki Mikk in the hallway, the Director must have dragged him here to be a witness or something, he for sure didn't look enthusiastic and took out a cigarette. "Now now Tyki-poo, we don't smoke inside the hospital. Come here now please, you'll be free in a little bit."

'Tyki-poo' grimaced and stepped into the ward, stopping by the door. His whole presence said he wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

"Morning, Director," Lavi answered, trying to match the sweetness but failing rather miserably, and glanced over at Kanda.

Who was staring at the Director with a light but still visible expression of shock, his eyes slightly widened as if he was seeing the most hideous creature in the world somewhere behind the man. However his frown remained present as well, and the surprise was slowly fading away from his face.

Lavi swore under his breath. Way to blow it. And just why would Kanda decide to hallucinate _now_ of all times? He didn't know if the situation could be saved anymore, as his patient looked like he was seeing something..._Wonderland_'ish again. But as a doctor, he couldn't pretend nothing was happening, so he took a deep breath and spoke silently, trying to ignore the fact that the Director's grin widened twice as he finished his sentence. "What do you see, Yu?"

There was a pause, during which Kanda scoffed, while still facing forwards, and then looked at Lavi, rolling his eyes.

"I see a ridiculously ugly fat man," came a blunt reply, ended with a sneering "Che. Don't you?"

Earl's grin suddenly died, while Tyki snorted amusingly and muttered something that sounded like 'The kid's right though, uncle'; in the meantime Lavi nearly fell off his chair. False alarm...then again, this wasn't much better at all when it came to making good impressions.

"Yu, you don't just say something like this," he cried, waving his hands frantically. He didn't even notice that Kanda addressed him as simply 'you' and not 'doc' like he usually did. "That's very rude!"

"Whatever," Kanda said in a tone that clearly stated he wasn't interested in the lecture the slightest.

"..." Lavi couldn't help but feel somewhat dumbfounded about it. Could it be that Kanda was still so...expressing on his opinion because he had something childish left in him? After all, he went into coma when he was only sixteen, it's no big surprise he's not yet acting like an average adult even though he's turning twenty in a couple of months. But that could have still been treated as something out of the norm, and that was bad. He had to somehow display this was only the Japanese's personality, or they were both screwed. Then again, for some reason, he felt almost _intimidated_ talking to Kanda despite of being older; something about his tone and posture just made the redhead want to submit to his will and _fuck off _according to his patient's will until receiving further commands.

Well, that was just stupid, he decided and tried talking again.

"How do you feel today?"

Kanda snorted silently. "Don't address me with that motherly tone like I'm sick or something," he grumbled. Everyone in the room simply stared at him with dumbfounded expressions. "I'm fine and in pain." Lavi cursed mentally again, nobody was supposed to know Kanda was already off medication.

The Director narrowed his eyes and looked at the Japanese intently. The boy indeed looked a bit pale, and sweaty, not to mention it looked like his muscles were contracting barely noticeably due to pain. "Care to elaborate, doctor?"

"It's nothing, I'm taking care of it," Lavi reassured, plastering on a grin. "As you can see Director, he's perfectly sane just like you and I, he just has a.. uh.."

"Flu," Kanda grunted and rolled his eyes again. He didn't really get the stupid game but he might as well join in. The stupid rabbit widened his eyes and glanced at him, and the next moment his grin beamed even wider. Seems his patient was way more conscious than he gave him credit for.

"Yes, exactly. As I said, it doesn't pertain to the matter at hand, and he can perfectly well continue curing the cold at home."

"I see, I see," the Director cooed, then stepped closer, still looking at Kanda intently. "Why don't you tell me why did you attack the sanitars, young man?"

"They asked for it," Kanda replied before Lavi managed to open his mouth. The redhead huffed.

"He was practically _in coma _then, Director," he explained, "You can't expect him to remember that. Said sanitars were misbehaving to their conduct, I mentioned that in my report."

"Of course," Director's tone and expression never changed. He looked like he was going to _eat_ the Japanese any moment now. "I forgot, silly me. How do you like our hospital, Mr. Kanda?"

Lavi narrowed his eyes. It seemed that Director was trying to provoke the patient into blowing his cover. All he could do now was hope for Kanda not to give into the play and remain calm. Or else it would go bad.

"It sucks," Kanda stated bluntly. "I want to get out of here."

Earl didn't look very happy, but he also couldn't accuse that sentence of being indication of progressing mental illness. He could hide his anger really well though, so you couldn't notice as he continued. "And what do you think about your doctor, Mr. Bookman?"

Kanda raised an eyebrow lightly. "He's tolerable," he grumbled, and Lavi breathed a sigh of relief. "And he's like a rabbit." Lavi paled, horrified. Kanda probably noticed his expression and his lips making a soundless 'NO, YU' as he sneered lightly and continued, "His nose twitches when he's writing, and he thinks about sex all the time." Lavi's face fell, and he suddenly turned redder than his hair. Kanda looked contented.

"That's...merciless...Yu," Lavi mumbled, staring at the floor sadly.

Director looked rather surprised and suddenly sneezed. "Care to explain yourself, Mr. Bookman?" he boomed in a loving tone.

The redhead scratched his head. "I swear I don't talk about such things in work," he mumbled. "But..I guess...sometimes...I mean, I'm 21 and I'm a man." He chuckled awkwardly.

"Then how is it visible?" Director specified.

"... I was joking," Kanda sighed with a blank expression and leaned back into the pillow. Lavi was left speechless again. His inner self was torn between shaking the Japanese by his collar, and shouting 'SCORE'. Mentally ill people didn't _joke_; and how good the sense of humor actually was, was another story.

"I...see," Earl repeated, inspecting Kanda once again, but apparently he didn't have any more questions and stepped back. "Well, young man, you definitely do have an attitude, as for an actual illness...What can you say, doctor's assistant Tyki Mikk?" He was probably expecting this to be his trump card, but apparently Tyki thought otherwise.

"I think he's just honest," Tyki drawled lazily. "Sure, would be funny to keep him around and have him talk to you more often, but he doesn't strike me as someone who needs it at the moment."

Director sneezed again, and this time it sounded almost angry. "Tyki-poo, didn't Mr. Kanda attack you too?"

Tyki shrugged. "Wouldn't call it attacking, just a punch. I guess I touched him in an appropriate way, you know how timid Japanese people are," he said and lit a cigarette.

"No smoking inside the hospital, Tyki-poo!" Earl cried, snatching the cigarette from his hand and rushing towards the door. "Fine Mr. Bookman, send that man home if you wish, and I want you gone until next morning, as far as I remember, you no longer work here!" He squeezed himself through the door with surprising haste and scurried down the hallway, leaving everyone confused.

::

"I need to find a new job," Tyki stated, taking out another cigarette and finally lighting it. "Uncle's more nuts than the loonies down here."

Lavi blinked, everything what had just happened still sinking into his brain. A member of the Noah family...helped him? That was unheard of. But...seems it happened. He scurried towards Tyki and grabbed his hand, shaking it rapidly. "Thank you, Mr. Mikk!"

Tyki smirked a bit, then shook his head lightly. "Look, your little friend likes making mess and then I have to fix it. I only did this to prevent more work for myself." He grimaced, he really would have preferred doing random jobs and eating out of trash but his family insisted he needed a 'proper' job. "Until I leave, that is." He looked very amused by the thought.

Lavi seemed even more surprised. "Huh, you serious?" he asked.

"Of course. Well, the old fatty won't be happy. But I want to take my niece away from him, she's getting strangely violent lately." He inhaled some smoke and blew it at Lavi's face. "So doc, don't feel grateful, what I did I did for my own sake. Nice working with ya."

The redhead just nodded absently, letting go of the Noah's hand, a smile still on his face, and watched him leave the ward before turning back to Kanda.

"We did it, Yu," he said, sounding truly happy. He was about to hug the patient, but stopped himself from it, and then took a good look at the latter. "..."

Kanda was asleep, with the most peaceful expression imaginable, as if what just happened didn't have any meaning at all.

::

_April 5, 1884_

_I can't believe it. We're free. It actually worked. I just can't comprehend it. No more fear, no more pressure.. well, except the fact that the old man insists I get a job in the central hospital this very moment, but I told him I need a week or a few off. Not that it worked, I know I'll have to apply there sooner or later but I'm actually rather busy as it is._

_We all live in the town now. Everything you need is nearby, that's a nice change compared to the Asylum far behind the city walls. The pace is quicker here however, but I think I'm getting used to it. The Lees and the old man are already working, Allen was signed out of the hospital, Yu's Godfather rented a small house for them. I gave him Yu's sword and plush rabbit, for some reason I think he wouldn't want to lose it, even if he hadn't expressed interest in it lately._

_And Yu is safe, finally._

_I visit him every day, sometimes even staying the night at their place. The last few days were really hard on him, but the withdrawal finally seems to be easening up. The day after we got out of the asylum, it was so bad that he, being as self-controlled as he is, barely kept himself from shouting in pain, not to mention that he only ate this morning for the first time since we left. It's hard on me too; I could give him medicine but that would only prolong the process. I know he's strong - rather, he forced me to believe it - and now everything seems to be going alright; he hadn't spoken of Wonderland ever since and didn't do anything out of the ordinary...except that sometimes his attitude seems nothing like the ordinary. I'll still watch over him for a while though. Because Mr. Tiedoll asked me, of course. As soon as he's cured, I will have no further concern about it._

_...For some reason, it feels like I actually _want_ to keep having a concern about him._

::

"Feelin' better?" Lavi asked with a small but genuine smile as he changed the wet cloth on Kanda's forehead. He had started drawling his words around the latter a while ago, something he never did while on the job, and it was rather surprising. Well, maybe not anymore. He simply looked at the Japanese, his hand absently wandering to entwine fingers with the latter's. He wasn't sure why he did it, but he told himself it was comfort, and the other didn't seem to mind.

The black-haired beauty nodded absently, letting out a silent sigh. The worst seemed to be over, the fever was dropping and the pain was no longer unbearable. However the fact that he haven't gotten any message from the.. _other_ side ever since they left was making him slightly restless. Wasn't he supposed to meet his sister there, or did he misunderstand something? If there was a way to see her again, he wanted to take it. Yet...there was no more chance for it. Sure, he liked the red-haired man's company - he actually bothered as much as to memorize his name already, and he didn't mind him touching him that much -, but he still found his quest to be more important at the moment. The Rabbit said he can't leave permanently, yet this far it seemed this was just what happened. Didn't that mean this was dangerous?..

"You've got visitors, Yu-kun," Tiedoll announced from the doorway, and Kanda's dark eyes flied open, stopping on Lavi before moving towards the door. He spotted black pigtails behind his Godfather and his expression eased up a bit, seems this was Lenalee, he didn't mind her turning up whenever she wanted.

However, she wasn't alone.

He saw a patch of white and frowned, mechanically squeezing Lavi's hand. During these last few days his essence was no longer affected by drugs, his dislike for people in general had become more and more obvious. The red-haired doctor had to feel lucky that he was between the special few who had the right to be in the same room as Kanda and breathe his air, not to mention be allowed to touch the Japanese.

Lenalee walked up to Kanda and patted him on the head lightly, smiling, but her look turning slightly concerned as she noticed he was glaring at whom she'd come with. She straightened up and looked back. "He doesn't remember you, Allen," she said softly.

"Who is that beansprout with an old geezer's hair?" Kanda asked matter-of-factly in a slightly annoyed tone and pointed at Walker.

Allen twitched lightly. A simple hello would have been nice, but no, he was getting insulted the moment he stepped into the room. "My name is Allen Walker," he said, smiling a bit too sweetly for it to look believable, "I used to work at the asylum, I'm a friend of Lavi's."

"Another idiot then, why didn't you say so in the first place," Kanda grumbled and closed his eyes again. Allen's fake smile widened about twice, now looking more as a grimace. Lenalee quickly walked up to him and stepped on his foot.

"Actually, we came here because we wanted to thank you," she stated hopefully, looking at her cousin's half-asleep form.

"We did?" Allen whispered, the nice intentions were gone the moment he started talking to the guy.

Lenalee beamed and placed her hand on Kanda's free one. "If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't have found Allen in time," she explained. "You saw him fall and brought our attention to it." She send a short glare at Allen, who immediately looked slightly intimidated and bowed his head.

"Thank you for aiding in saving my life, Kanda," he muttered, adding under his breath "even if it happened accidentally."

"Che" was all of the reply he got.

"I suppose that's good enough," Lenalee sighed. Guys could be so childish sometimes. "Who wants pancakes?"

In less than an hour, she had cooked some, and even if Kanda preferred nothing but noodles he'd always try out her cooking out of mere respect, not to mention that she was actually good at it. _People_ were eating in another room, he could see them through the open door but he was comfortable with it. Lenalee spent some time with him what he was grateful for and then she was off, and that once again left him and Lavi, who stayed until the late evening.

::

A few more days passed, and Kanda was getting better. He could already perfectly sit up and eat by himself, however he still wasn't strong enough to walk around on his own. Lavi watched his progress both with joy and concern - that soon he would become unnecessary, and most likely would have to say goodbye. He didn't want to.

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary that morning when he once again turned up to Tiedoll's house and went to Kanda's room to check on him. Kanda was sitting in his bed, his back rested against the pillow, and doodling something in a sketchpad that Tiedoll had bought him once they got out of the asylum. Lavi tried to look at it but was slightly disappointed to see it was just various lines and ornaments rather than something pretty. Then again, no weird drawings equaled no Wonderland, and that was good because it meant Yu was getting well.

"Good morning," Lavi greeted with a smile and looked around for his usual chair, however it wasn't there for some reason. From the sounds of it, Tiedoll was using it to reach jars of jam stored in a very high shelf. "Can I sit down?"

Kanda raised his eyes from the paper and nodded. "One moment," he mumbled, leaning forth and brushing his hand over the blanket as if shoving something off the bed, and then leaned back again. "Here you go."

Lavi frowned a little but sad down in the place 'prepared' for him. "What did you just do, Yu?" he asked a bit curiously.

The Japanese looked up at him as if he was completely stupid. "What do you mean?" he grunted and motioned somewhere at the floor. "You don't want to sit on it, do you?"

"Sit on what?" Lavi specified carefully. He suddenly felt worried, whatever was happening couldn't have been good.

Kanda glared at him for a while. "So it's not just Tiedoll," he whispered finally, scoffing, and turned a page in his sketchbook, quickly drawing something. Once he was done, he turned the picture towards Lavi, who looked at it with interest before suddenly frowning. The picture portrayed the very room they were in, a bit sketchy but there was no doubt about it. Two stick figures with haircuts had to be them. But the part that surprised Lavi was the fact that in the drawing, there were several lotus flowers scattered around; one on the bed, on the other side than he was sitting on, three on the floor near his feet, and another one in the far corner of the room. "You don't see it?" Kanda's silent question snapped him out of his thoughts.

Lavi slowly shook his head and looked at the black-hair. "Do you?" he asked, and he didn't need to look to know that Kanda nodded, looking just as surprised as he was.

"Then it's me." Kanda's tone was accepting but somehow angry at the same time, and he threw the sketchbook away. It hit the floor with a soft thud. Lavi looked at him and reached out, trying to push him down onto the pillow. "I'm going crazy."

Lavi frowned, this was definitely not the best healing attitude. "Come on, you're not crazy, you said so yourself," he said and fluffed Kanda's pillow before forcing him back down. "Maybe you're just tired."

Kanda shook his head. "_He_ said it," he stated. "That if I don't get back, that place will eat out my soul."

The redhead stared at Kanda and put a hand on his forehead to check the temperature, however it was normal. "Are you sure you're feeling okay, Yu?"

"You don't believe me." Anger glinted in the Japanese's eyes. "I'm telling you, I'm not making anything up! It's them, they want me to go insane, I know it."

"Of course I believe you," Lavi retorted. Well, maybe he didn't, but he knew better than to deny any possibility, he was a doctor after all. "But how do you know it's.. uh, _them_? It?"

"Do you know what my sister's favorite flower was?" Kanda asked in a surprisingly calm tone, looking at the rabbit doctor blankly, ignoring the strange look the latter gave him due to saying something, in his opinion, completely random. "Lotus. And there's more of them today than yesterday. And nobody else can see it. What would _you_ think if you were in my place?"

"I would think I was going crazy," Lavi said slowly, frowning and staring in front of himself. This was just too out of it. Did this mean Kanda actually was mentally ill? Or could it be that he was telling the truth and some other side really existed? He didn't know, but either way this wasn't good.

"Exactly," Kanda said silently.

::

The next day, when the Japanese showed him a picture with eight lotuses in it, Lavi realized that he couldn't let him slip into the madness, or whatever it was, any further. He couldn't wait until it was too late, not after all they've been through, not with the..._feeling_ he had, whatever it was. He had to do something, even if he had no idea what.

And quick.

::

* * *

::

**End Chapter**

::

Cliffhangers FTW....again. Yay, the Imaginary Lotus Field made it into the fic! What if the theory is righter than it seems? Oh and yes, I totally had to give Tyki a chance to redeem himself. Almost all fiction portray him like a bad guy (not in the hot bad sense, but in the disgusting bad sense), particularly as a rapist. But he really isn't that bad. In my eyes, he's probably the least 'evil' out of all the Noah - I might be wrong, but this is my fic so you'll be dealing with my opinions. : D

Hope you enjoyed reading, now review and after two months I will happily start writing more! : D (sorry!)


	9. Icy Reception

**AN:** Yes, yes I'm still alive. Yes, it took even longer this time. Got national exams in two months though; if I survive it.. We'll see then, we'll see. Back to story matters.

This far most of you wants romance in this fic...and so do I, so that's what it's gonna be. : D Oh, and I'm not taking 'aww that's cliche/mushy/etc' comments once the ending is out...though that's exactly what's it gonna be, well the mushy part. I do try to keep my work from being too 'cliche' so I apologize if that sometimes goes and happens; however liking happy endings does not mean that. In fact, given the amount of angsty fics out there, I'm tempted to call death 'cliche' by now - but I don't really mind, since we need all kinds of stuff, yea? : D Okay, I'm just rambling now, ignore me.

I have originally planned 11 chapters in total, but I couldn't squeeze the sudden burst of ideas for this one into this one, and so the fic decided it wants to have 13 chapters instead. What am I to defy it? So it will be 13 chapters in total after all.

Also I just recently realized I totally forgot the Cat whom I have planned to have there since the first lines, so I squeezed in a paragraph in first and second chapter each, just to make it feel more consequential. Anyway.

Here goes the 9th chapter a bit shorter than the previous ones, and this ficbaby is probably going to be the first-ever long fic that I (hopefully!) finish. Oh, the nostalgia. And zomg angst. Anyway, hope you like~

::

* * *

::

**Chapter IX : Icy Reception**

::

Kanda slowly opened his eyes. It was morning of what was supposed to be glorious rehab, however it wasn't that glorious at all. Sure, the withdrawal had subsided, but his body was still aching from the abuse he put his muscles through the day before; ignoring the warnings and pleas to take it slowly after being immobile for years, after walking a circle around the room with Lavi's support a couple of days in a row, he decided he could perfectly walk around by himself. He actually managed to reach the kitchen before falling over, and after a while of rest gather himself enough to get up and go back to bed. That was it though; and now he was laying there without any hope of moving his legs for at least three days. And it hurt like a bitch too. So maybe it was a good idea to listen to what the doctors say, after all.

Even if the doctors appeared to be idiotic morons, despite of him not being the brightest mind around himself. The doctors were stupid.

And the doctors also looked like rabbits. Well, maybe not all of them. But given his most recent dealings with the one that was supposedly taking care of him, that was the conclusion he made. He didn't really mind the rabbits being clingy though, not as much as he thought he would, but of course he wasn't going to say it. It would make clingy rabbits get even more clingy and that would be annoying; now it was just...soothing, somehow.

The red-haired man's presence calmed him down for some reason.

And the other thing that was ruining his morning of glorious rehab was, no doubt, the hallucinations. He refused to believe it was related to his mental state; maybe it was the aftereffects for being on morphine this long. Either way, the hallucination was getting thicker, and by now all the floor was covered by almost shining white lotuses. It looked so.. fragile. When he was lead around he always tried to land his feet so it wouldn't trample the flowers; not Tiedoll nor Lavi understood why he was looking at the floor so intently. It was sad somewhat, but he didn't want to say they haven't stopped. Not yet..

It was hard to breathe for some reason.

::

Next morning, when Lavi came to check on Kanda, he was greeted by an all too familiar scenario from years ago: the room's window was open, and there was a cat curled on Japanese's chest. However this time the cat wasn't scabby or scrawny but rather healthy-looking, with nice fur, and Kanda looked rather at ease, scratching it behind the ear with one hand. The cat was purring, its eyes narrowed slightly, and as it turned to Lavi's presence, the doctor could swear he saw a mocking expression on the animal's face. Those stripes...were awfully familiar. Could it be the same cat that had jumped on Kanda the first day he had arrived to the asylum? Still, this made no sense.

"You know this cat?" he asked, sitting down next to the bed. The cat's eyes opened and it hissed, but Kanda continued to pet it, now looking like he was doing it completely mechanically, and it calmed down, only giving the redhead a disapproving glance and then closing its eyes again.

"Of course, doctor. He said he can show me the way into the castle." The words were spoken completely blankly, Kanda continued to stare in front of himself, and Lavi frowned in concern.

"Yu," he said as clearly as he could, hoping to reach the young man wherever he was at the moment. "You're talking about Wonderland again. Also, "doctor"? What happened to the "stupid rabbit" greeting?"

The Japanese blinked, slowly shook his head, and finally his dark eyes turned towards the redhead, for a moment shooting around as if he didn't know where he was, then locking on the other male. "It's you," he said simply, as if Lavi had only now materialized out of thin air. "What are you doing here?"

Lavi's frown deepened. This couldn't be a good sign.. but what was he supposed to do? He didn't want to pump Yu full of drugs again. It would be inhuman.. He absently reached for the cat, but as soon as he tried to gently push it off Kanda, it hissed and dug its both paws' nails into the redhead's hand. He yelped and quickly drew it back, while Kanda chuckled silently.

"Karma doesn't like other people," he said, sounding almost proud. "He was with our family for years,-" Ah, so apparently this attitude ran in the family, Lavi decided, rubbing his abused hand. He decided not to mention he thought such a name was a strange pick for a male cat, then again same could have been said about 'Yu', not that he ever had such a blasphemous thought as to doubt the manliness of anything related to Kanda; Lavi valued himself being intact too much for that. "-then one day he was gone, then.." Kanda paused, but it was clear what happened next was what had sent him into a coma for nearly four years, "and now he's found me again, I didn't think cats lived this long."

Karma purred in agreement, looking almost offended someone would think he couldn't live long enough to make himself comfortable in his owners' place again, and made himself more comfortable by slipping under the blanket and ending up like a medium-sized purring sheet bulge on Kanda's chest. He didn't seem to mind though, and simply lowered his arm back to his side.

"..Well, it.._he_ really likes you," Lavi stated the obvious, and no, there was no jealousy in his voice. "You're still my patient though, and I need to be able to touch you -" he paused with his hand in the air as the sheet bulge silenced, tensed and seemed to start growling - "And _please_ keep this _beast_ under control while I do!"

Kanda looked like he was just defied a great amusement, however sighed, rolled his eyes, grumbled something that sounded like "Fine" and threw the cat off the bed. Just like that, picking it up by its skin over its shoulders and lifting it to the floor, and it didn't even hiss, just meowed a bit disappointedly and sat right where it landed, next to the bed.

Lavi sighed with relief and started checking Yu's pulse. The latter didn't seem to care.

"Also, remember that this _beast_ has a name unless you want him to hate you even more." Well, whatever reasons there were, the cat clearly hated the doctor already. Maybe it saw Kanda as its own territory, who knows. Lavi would still try to be nice and remember it. "It's Karma Daisya Charchoalstar Fluffystripes McSobaWhiskers." The redhead sweatdropped. Alright, so maybe he would not. Who on Earth would call their cat that?

The cat looked up only as it heard the 'soba' part and swished its tail questioningly. "..." Lavi eyed it for a moment. "That's a funny...I mean an interesting name," he mumbled, deciding not to mention the.. slight surprise it caused him. "You thought of it?"

"No," was Kanda's answer and his look went blank again while Lavi cursed intently in his mind. His baby sister of course, it was such a childish name... Then again if Yu wanted to heal, he had to learn to deal with small mentions of what had happened.

::

Lavi wasn't in a rush to leave after the checkup, just like always. Besides, he was concerned, and still didn't know what to do as by now he was seriously beginning to doubt the effectiveness of the drugs normally used to cure such things.

"Do you still see the lotuses?" he mumbled, not even noticing how his hand ended up on Kanda's. The latter haven't been drawing for the past few days and seemed to be acting normally, though at times the redhead caught his eyes flinching away for a moment when someone would walk through the room or sit on his bed.

Kanda's gaze was locked somewhere to the side. "No."

"You're a lousy liar, Yu." Lavi's voice was unexpectedly soft. "I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to, but I _need_ to help."

Kanda suddenly looked a tiny little bit interested.

"Do you know why you see it?"

The interest died out as suddenly as it appeared. "I already told you."

"Yes, but-"

"You don't believe me." Kanda's glare was almost petrifying. "After all that jabbering about how much you care, you don't believe what I tell you again and again. If you don't trust me on this, how can I trust you?"

That was a very good question, and Lavi suddenly felt small, pathetic and very guilty. "I'm sorry.." he muttered. "It's just...difficult to imagine." Kanda snorted scornfully and didn't reply. The redhead pondered for a while, staring at Yu's blanket. The cat on the other side of the bed meowed silently, asking to be held again, but was left ignored. Lavi's gaze suddenly flickered to Kanda. "Do you...do you have any idea how to make it stop?"

The Japanese scoffed and absently reached for the cat, placing it back onto his lap and petting it mechanically. It purred happily and curled up somewhere above his crotch. "I need to go back," he said silently.

Lavi tried his best to block out the random thought which said it would be very nice to be that cat instead. "Back?" he repeated, looking at Kanda slightly confused.

"To the Wonderland." His tone said he was getting annoyed with explaining things that should have been obvious.

"But.. you've just talked about it this morning. Weren't you...well...there?" The redhead tried his best to sound believing.

Kanda shook his head a bit. "Not like that," he grumbled. "_This_ is eating at me. I think I need - what was it that drug you fed me for two years?"

"Er." Lavi looked a little ashamed at the moment, really he should have noticed sooner instead of just following the common 'healing'. Maybe these were the results of his incompetence...please no. He'd never forgive himself. "It's morphine, but I really don't want you to take any more of it, it-"

"It gives me control of my surroundings," Kanda grumbled, slowly and clearly. "Otherwise it's just...everything. Swirling. Confusing. Consuming. When I was on that shit, it depended on me where would I go and what would I do."

"So it's just an assumption," Lavi corrected, frowning. "You don't know if that would _really_ help you, do you? Maybe it's just a time like that. Maybe next time you'll -"

"I know what I need," Kanda stated, sounding a little annoyed and glaring at Lavi. The redhead only managed to think that oh shit, he's become addicted and it's my fault, before thinking a bit more rationally. How could anyone know anything about this anymore? But if there was a chance..

"I'll...see what I can do," he muttered. It would be a little troublesome to get it at the moment as he currently didn't work in a hospital, then again he's heard you could find some lighter morphine in every drugstore, so that could be dealt with. But if he was risking that, he also needed to tell Tiedoll about it, and he was sure the latter wouldn't be happy about it. Even if it was Yu who asked for this.. Could he really be trusted on this? What if?..

"You'd better."

::

"Is the young doctor your friend, Yu-kun?" his guardian asked, sitting at the side of his bed and looking at him through those ridiculously huge glasses of his. He didn't mind at all, he was just being concerned. The redhead had practically moved into the house, while he was, more or less, a complete stranger. Sure, he didn't look much like a child molester or anything of the sort, but you could never know. Also when he asked if Tiedoll didn't mind Yu getting morphine prescribed again, the old man immediately connected it with some evil plot. Wasn't his baby poisoned enough as it was?

Unfortunately, Tiedoll forgot to take into account Kanda's stubborn nature, which now expressed itself by a shake of head and a grumble "In _his_ dreams."

The guardian's look became a bit more serious. Was the so called doctor dreaming about being indecently close to his darling child? He didn't even think he was being a little bit of a hypocrite on this. "Is he bothering you?" the next question followed.

"..." The black-haired young man took a few moments to think, then replied rather blankly, "Not really." That was more or less a blatant lie but not to the side one could expect; in fact he enjoyed the redhead's company but of course there was no such power in the world that could make him admit it aloud.

Tiedoll didn't look very persuaded. "I think you should see something."

::

_April 15th, 1884_

_I can't believe this. After all I've done, he's kicking me out? I.. I thought there was something special going on between us, but.. Hell, I'm worried sick, there were those hallucinations, and then suddenly everything is fine and they want to get rid of me? Something's not right here.._

_Alright, maybe it wasn't just as dramatic. But the message was there, definitely there._

_Long story short, yesterday, when I came to see Yu, his guardian asked me to stay after the check-up. He said a whole lot of crappy and sappy things filled with probably fake gratefulness, and that Yu was getting better - excuse me, since when seeing the room in imaginary flowers is classified as 'getting better'? - and in the end, told me that I shouldn't come around as often anymore. Start visiting less and less, until...stopping entirely._

_He didn't even let me lay out my arguments about Yu's case, as if he knew better than me, as if his only purpose was to get me out. Of course, I couldn't understand it. It was like...like he thought I was some kind of a monster or something. I tried to catch Yu's gaze, hoping he would be on my side, but he kept averting it and didn't say anything during the whole thing. Almost like...like he was both feeling guilty and accusing me of something at the same time. I don't understand. I left without understanding anything, either._

_When I complained about this to the old man, he just whacked me over the head with his thickest book. Idiot, he said. You got involved personally, he said. You should have known better, he said. I tried to reason that it simply wasn't time to drop the healing yet, the patient's state was still critical, but he didn't even bother to listen. Could it be that he's right? It's like he saw through me without me even realizing I was faking anything. _

_That doesn't change it, though. I don't want to...to leave him, to forget him, I can't. What happened? What made him and his family act like...like they did? I don't understand, I just don't understand it. But what can I do? I'm definitely not leaving this like that._

::

Tiedoll hummed silently, sitting in a rocking chair in the corner of the room, knitting what looked like a sweater and pretending to completely ignore the glare that was practically drilling holes into his skull. Eventually though, it became a little _too_ much, and he raised his head, glancing at Kanda.

"Why?" Kanda growled silently, a slight grimace appearing on his face. "Why do you trust someone you haven't even seen over someone who helped me? Are you that stupid?"

Tiedoll frowned with concern, and Kanda felt like punching that expression right into his face. "I never said I trust either," he said carefully. "But it never hurts to be cautious. That man isn't your family, Yu. And friends can betray and hurt, even when they're not...imposters."

Kanda narrowed his eyes. "What are you implying?" he snarled.

"Nothing Yu-dear, nothing," Tiedoll hummed and started knitting again.

At this very moment, Kanda hated him.

Actually, it wasn't really his fault - though he needed to have someone to blame and his guardian was the most fitting for that role at the moment. It all happened so suddenly. One day, they found a package behind their door, no name or anything, and inside it there was a letter and some files which Kanda never remembered existing, and that was it.

The handwriting on the letter seemed oddly familiar, but he couldn't recall where he saw it. And the files which he suspected to be fake were 'proofs' of a certain doctor's incompetence, along with the letter which stated that Lavi Bookman has displayed an "alarming lack of competence in work", used the wrong medication on several patients for almost a year and has also "verbally confirmed to have indecent urges towards one of the patients". It all had a very institution-like stamp on it, and that was enough to ensure Tiedoll it was the real deal and he had to protect his precious baby from the dangerous charlatan.

Kanda tried to reason with him, saying it wasn't true, Lavi took good care of him, the only thing he would complain about was the previous hospital. He didn't want to remember all of that - he didn't exist to those doctors, even if that was what he probably wanted at that moment. He barely got any food, he was rarely cleaned, he would occasionally have new wounds open even by the time most of the scars left by the fire were healed. The sanitars would try to "get him to senses" by poking him with cigarettes or glass shards, or seeing how quickly the bones of his arm would snap under pressure, and Kanda wouldn't never make a sound, not even blink, and they never got in trouble for it. Even if Kanda never reacted, deep in whatever you could call that state, he remembered a bit of it, somehow, and even if he had thought he deserved it, he realized that shouldn't have been happening.

It was completely different in the asylum where Lavi worked. Sure, there were some pests there too, but they were dealt with sooner or later. And the redhead himself cared, and talked to him even when nobody had an idea he could hear anything. And that might have been what pushed him to awakening too.. The young doctor did help him, a lot, and he might have not even been there if it wasn't for him.

But his words were brushed aside like a small child's. And that annoyed him to no end. Now he regretted not expressing his opinion back when Lavi was there and Tiedoll more or less told him to scram. Maybe he was still a bit offended that the redhead didn't seem to trust him, maybe.. He didn't know. He wanted Lavi back. But he also didn't want to admit it..

A very unpleasant situation indeed.

::

It was the fourth day without Lavi, Kanda realized as he slowly came to. There was light coming from the side he knew the window was at, and he slowly moved up against the pillows, opening his eyes.

There were lotuses all around, and he could barely see anything in the room. The ceiling and the lamp were still visible, but his whole bed was covered by the flowers almost a meter up, and he suddenly realized that he had to sit or, even better, stand if he didn't want to get buried under them. He tried getting up but slipped, hitting the pillow again, the lotuses closing in over his head. He tried telling himself if wasn't real but it _felt_ real, and he felt like he was suffocating under it, hard to breathe, he tried to shove it away, and it blocked his view completely when he was down, and a mix of voices and images started spinning around..

"Rabbit.." he mumbled as a familiar white figure jumped by, almost as if the lotuses didn't exist, and for a moment it was easier to breathe, but then the whiteness became crushing again, and he could swear he heard distant laughs as a set of tea started marching through his bed..

With the last he could muster, he called someone's name and collapsed under the flowers.

::

_April 19, 1884_

_I'm really missing him, aren't I? I haven't been there for only a few days, but.. I did get the morphine, even if I doubt they'll call me about anything again. When I tried visiting yesterday, I found the door locked. What did I do wrong?.. Anyway._

_I've been digging around old files and records, also I tried looking for information on the hospital that held Yu before he was transferred to us. The old man doesn't even know that and he's still saying I'm becoming obsessed, but.. I don't know. It's like the least I can do to get to him. I always knew that hospital was horrible even by our asylum's standards, but of course there's nothing in the papers. Everywhere they try to smooth things out. Sometimes even people disappear without a trace, all so that certain things wouldn't be heard. I don't want to think what he went through back there - though it was pretty obvious he'd barely gotten to eat when I saw him first - then again, he didn't really seem to feel anything back then, did he? I'm sure he did though. And that he remembers it too. And that he.. relives it in his dreams, somewhat, and if he manages to go through it all victoriously.. Maybe, just maybe that's the answer? The answer to curing him?_

_Before, I would have said I shouldn't think like this, I shouldn't care, they don't need my services anymore so I should just move on. But I.. I don't care about that anymore. I want to think about this. I want to help Yu and.. I don't want to part. It's as simple as that._

_The phone's ringing, and I'm suddenly getting this strange feeling. I know it can't be them, but.. I'm not sure how to explain it. Almost as if.._

_I'll better pick that up._

::

When Lavi ran into the room, everyone was there - Lenalee, Komui, Tiedoll, even the cat. He didn't even bother to comment on the change of the reception from a couple of days ago - then they wouldn't let him in, now they've begged him to come - it didn't matter at the moment, though he did _accidentally_ step on Karma's tail as he headed for the patient.

Kanda was laying in the bed, having stilled for the moment, wide unseeing eyes staring at the ceiling almost horrified, hands clenching the blanket, his breath erratic and halting, sweat on his forehead. Almost like a common panic attack, except that wasn't what it was.

"He was.. calling for you," Lenalee sobbed into Komui's shoulder though she was clearly talking to Lavi, "tossing and turning, and repeating your name, and he doesn't recognize any of us." She buried her face in her brother's jacket, and Lavi sincerely felt bad for her, though just a moment ago he would have told her she _should_ be crying after not stepping in to stop his separation from Yu and look how that turned out, but maybe he was getting a little _mad_ himself..

He knelt next to the bed. Screw the protocol, he had to do something, _anything _at all, just make him snap out of it. He took Yu's face in his hands and turned it towards himself. "Yu..."

Kanda's eyes wandered, not stopping at anything, as if he didn't see anything in front of himself, his lips moving again in a soundless whisper what could have been either "Lavi" or "Rabbit", who knows.

"I'm here," Lavi shook him lightly, however the latter still didn't seem to see him, trembling a little, pulling the blanket over himself as if trying to hide from something, almost choking on his own breath, mumbling something incoherent that sounded like '_watch, twinkle, tea just with friends, time is angry'_. The redhead started feeling panicked too. What if he would die now, what if he dies, what if..

...what if...

"YU, I'M HERE," he practically shouted, and, not really knowing what he was doing, pulled Yu into a tight hug, almost squeezing him, holding his head down, everything to make it feel safe, _firm_, as if Kanda was some small kid afraid to sleep.

Kanda suddenly silenced, his face now buried in the redhead's shoulder, his breathing slowly evening. Lavi continued holding him, not caring what the others would think at the moment. If this helped Yu, he didn't care if his guardian would shoot him right now.

"It's alright," he mumbled, brushing his fingers over the raven-black hair. "Calm down." He suddenly had a feeling that there was something wet on his face for some reason. He...he didn't start crying on a job, did he? The old man was SO going to kill him.

Kanda turned his head just a bit, so that his lips were almost brushing Lavi's ear. "..help..Lavi.." came a barely audible whisper, then the Japanese pushed Lavi off and fell back onto the pillows, still staring into nothingness. "..there's...nothing.." He turned rapidly, grabbing onto the pillow, and bit it, his breath going wild once again. He probably couldn't see anything through the flowers he saw anymore too, and that was probably why his gaze flickered around even when he seemed not to be out of it.

Lavi stared at him in shock for a moment, then grabbed his doctor's suitcase. "Hold him still," he ordered in the direction of Komui and Tiedoll, who looked at him a bit surprised but then did as told.

Yu trusted him to know how to help him, and that meant he did. And that meant that Yu had been right all along, and now this would either help or all would be lost. But Lavi wasn't going to betray that trust; he was going to do what he had to, what Yu said he had to.

He fixed morphine up into liquid in record time, drew it into a syringe, chose a place on Yu's arm and injected it, doing everything almost mechanically, sounds and the walls of the room towering over him as if it all was just one bad dream. "I'm sorry," Lavi whispered barely audibly as he did it, but it was impossible to tell whom those words were meant for.

::

* * *

::

**End Chapter**

**::**


	10. Mirror Images, On Herbaceus Border

**AN: **Yeah, I really have no decent excuse for this update lagging for like... A FREAKING YEAR AND HALF? I. AM. SO. SORRY. I just suck like that. D: Sob. I've started uni so idfk, time is... yeah. Once I learn some time management though, I should be able to write in decent intervals. I hope. I really shouldn't pick up multi-chapters... and I'm already considering a sequel, since _Alice 2_ came out this year... SOMEONE STOP ME or bear with me. :'c

Also, I have gotten a strange urge to retitle the whole fic as "In Hearts". Thoughts, should I do it, should I not? I'd really appreciate any opinions.

So I couldn't pick a single title so I constructed it out of two. Have some more madness! It is slightly weird and jumping all around the place and stuff, but I tried to maintain the earlier, er, style. Hope it goes down well. Consider this an early Xmas present or something.

P.S. Here's a sort of a lame but cute (I hope) fanart, too! _http : / / morphine-dementia . deviantart . com / # / d2r03xt_

::

* * *

::

**Chapter X : ****Mirror Images****, On Herbaceus Border **

::

_What does it look like?_

It's an endless void, filled with memories and visions, past, future and present mixing into strange swirls and spots, flashing and spinning in front of your eyes. It's a gigantic abstract canvas in the making, being splashed by paint that is fear, despair and blood, all being sucked in below the surface and devoured into darkness. It's the black that contains all the colours like white should but here doesn't; because this is the twin mirror world.

_What does it sound like?_

Like emptyness being slowly crushed inside the tallest dome of a church; like the howl of silence in the middle of an empty ice desert. There is no sound at all yet it's breaking your eardrums, and you can feel the low vibrations in the soles of your feet; it's everywhere but not possible to detect, to catch, to describe. It's eerie silence of space engulfed in roaring flames that move the gears of heavenly machinery.

_What does it look like?_

It's like a maze; the mirror room in the carnival, all lines and statique bent out of shape, waving and unstable, constantly moving and reflecting everything in just as unproportional and estranged images. There's no telling what is what and who is who, and you can't see yourself either, as the rippling surface slowly drowns in shining white petals and flowers, and traces of tiny bubbles show your way through what could have been water if you had to breathe within this cold sphere.

_What does it sound like?_

A thousand of little bells, a million of little voices, their crying, laughing and giggling breaking the eerie silence from all directions at once yet none at all, like the unborn children silently weeping and cheering hiding behind the twisted flora of the limbo. It sounds like a broken music box crying out its last syllables, like the song of a fish and the sigh of a leaf, like billions of little crystal feet running through glass strings of an unknown instrument used for playing dreams.

_What does it feel like?_

Madness.

::

_June 6th, 1884_

_It's his twentieth birthday today. _

_Does he even know? He's barely spoken since that day. Sometimes his words start making sense, but he appears to be somewhere far away. Even though I stopped giving him morphine, he seems to still be stuck _there. _I wanted to have faith in him, but what good would it make for him to develop an addiction all over again? Either way, he seems to be faring just as he wanted..._

_I shouldn't have listened._

_His family, they probably think so too. You took him away again, they say. You mental doctors do nothing but ruin people. Sometimes I wonder if there's truth in that; an awful lot of patients seem to die in hospitals, even though... What else could have been done? He would have died if I haven't done this. His heart was stopping, he was choking on something invisible, if I hadn't done anything he wouldn't be anywhere anymore._

_But I can't tell where he is right now, either._

_I think I'll stay the night today, just in case. Nobody should spend their birthday all alone - even if I can't accompany him into Wonderland, I can at least be here. And maybe hold his hand so he knows of it, or at least senses it. I don't think anyone will notice._

::

Standing in front of broken and skewed mirrors, walking and running through halls and halls of them, it doesn't look like it could ever end, this floating, twisted reflection of reality. Like a sphere around, it shuts out all sounds and views that do not go through the modifying glass making it unrecognizable. Voices, screams and laughs, thousands and thousands, and it's impossible to tell whose mouth it is coming from, just like images and sequences that are supposed to belong to someone's mind however it's impossible to tell because there is no memory and only the glass, shaping the present and erasing both past and future. Leaving only a brief moment of being, warped and lighted by confusion, and so it's never possible to comprehend, because the moment is over before you could ever try to. It's like moving through the mist, thick thick fog, when it's impossible to understand you're walking before your foot touches the ground. Everything is around, bright, blinding, noisy and deafening, and all thoughts fade away immediately after being born out of a spark of mind, like a candle blown off by the wind, and all you can do is move forwards, reach blindly, hoping to eventually reach a mirror which doesn't shape and twist, to find anything familiar, a window that shows blue sky or a door that would lead out of this endless maze.

::

Lavi sat by the window, resting his head on his hand as he stared out, briefly turning his eyes to glance at Yu every now and then. August had come sooner than he thought was possible, summer rolling over to its other side. Yu's family had gotten somewhat used to him staying around; he even had a small room under the stairs for staying the night whenever he deemed it needed. Even Karma Daisya Charchoalstar Fluffystripes McSobaWhiskers seemed to have become somewhat friendlier - or, well, _ignorant_ of him. Lavi was happy as long as it wasn't trying to slaughter him in his sleep, although the cat did still like using his pants as a scratching post _while_ he was wearing it. Small price to pay for being able to stay close to Yu, though.

Now it got dark earlier; August nights always had bright stars and, occasionally, meteor showers, which by now were not considered to be an omen, at least not by all of the people. Still, Lavi assumed, superstitions could be nice. You were able to _believe_ you could prevent something bad or encourage something good to happen; wasn't it easier to live that way? There was no harm in it, at the very least. Shooting stars and wishes.

The clock handle turned past twelve, and he was twenty-two, feeling older than a hundred years.

::

A white horse was standing right outside the window, resting its massive head on the pane and looking at him with its huge long-lashed eyes. It felt like it took a _year_ for Kanda to turn his head so he could stare at the creature, which simply _had_ to be a hallucination. Taking another few months to push away the blanket that weighted several tons at least, he slowly sat up and headed towards the window, his bare feet quietly shuffling over the wooden floor.

The horse was still there, its long mane waving lightly in the warm wind. The sky was clear, and Kanda had to wonder if it was summer, or maybe a cool streak of approaching autumn could already be sensed, as well. He couldn't remember how he got there. Almost as he's been standing at the window for eternity, and the horse had been there for a moment longer than that. It felt like a clear sphere, free of time and reason, and he couldn't even feel lost anymore. He reached out for the creature's nose.

It was warm, slightly wet around the nostrils. He could feel the hair of fur against his fingertips. And then, just like it has done so many times before during these last few weeks...

The world suddenly tilted and crashed.

Pieces of the sphere dangled and fell off to the floor, disappearing into billions of shards as soon as it touched, revealing a different surrounding behind it. It was similar, somehow, as the ending summer's air was still there along with the small sunlit piece of floor, but the magic and the white creature were gone, and so was the absence of time and space.

Kanda shook his head a little; he was standing in front of the window and the flowerpots on the pane needed watering. He must have dozed off somehow; he wasn't sure how he got there but obviously he had to take care of the plants. He faintly remembered doing the same yesterday - or at least it felt like yesterday, while in reality there might have been weeks since his last period of considerably clear mind.

He wasn't aware of it, though; he picked up the watering can and casually shambled out of the room to get water. To him it was simply another morning like the one before.

So it was all the stranger when he was met by a rather shocked gaze of a certain redheaded doctor as he got back with the water. "...Yu?" Lavi just gaped. It _was_ a rather rare feat for Kanda to regain his senses, especially like this, since realizing the plants needed watering was quite high up in the list of reason needed for action. In fact, it had skipped Lavi's own mind completely despite of the fact Yu seemed to like flowers.

Kanda knew of no reason that could explain that course of acting, and so he scowled with mild annoyance, heading straight for the flowers with sullen determination. "What the hell are you looking at?"

"You..." Lavi sighed, his face lighting up in relief. Now that Kanda got a better look, the redhead seemed tired and more scrawny than last time. What was quite surprising; then again maybe he had finally gotten cancer due to not eating decently. Not a very nice thought. "You woke up."

"That's what people generally do in the morning," Kanda retorted and tilted the can so that refreshing drops of water would fall on the dry ground. He could almost _feel_ the plants' happiness, and it was strangely soothing. Really, was there anything surprising about him getting up and going around? He actually felt rather well.

He tensed up as following the sounds of footsteps from behind there were two arms wrapping around him. It was strange and he didn't understand it. At the same time, it felt rather nice, and he relaxed into the hold, noticing that something thick yet fluffy and feeling an awful lot like rabbit hair was tickling the back of his neck. "I'm glad," Lavi's voice said somewhere into the back of his shoulder. And then it was all gone; he let go and backed off, looking a little ashamed. Kanda gazed at him over his shoulder for a moment but didn't say anything.

Whatever was the reason, he couldn't help but maybe feel somewhat 'glad', too.

::

_August 10th, 1884_

_It's quite unbelievable and definitely not expected. He's... awake. And more in touch with reality than he's been for the last few months. Not that I believe in birthday wishes... but... _

_I just hope it doesn't cause another relapse. Stay with me, Yu. This time, stay with me._

::

"I need more flowers here," Kanda muttered as he manoeuvred between the pots, barrels and stems, watering can in hand. His room was reminiscent of jungle at this point; ever since waking up once more he had expressed continous wish of keeping as many plants in his room as possible. And, of course, his loving and considerably rich godfather did his best to amend to that. Various vegetation, from miniatiuric trees to giant weeds inhabited a corner of Kanda's room and most of the floor by the walls, also the ends of his bed and under the window. He could almost hide behind it all in a couple of spots; while refusing to go outside where the nature was withering and dying under the cold hand of the fall, he insisted making his room green as if trying to preserve his own little summer within that safe sphere. He was calmer than before, though, no more panic attacks nor outbursts of violence, so everyone figured the roomgardening was doing him good. "Maybe a palm tree, or something that _climbs_." He captiously inspected the flower chains hanging off the lightweight constructions on the wall, made specifically for this purpose by Tiedoll.

Lavi blinked. "Don't you think you have enough, Yu?" he suggested carefully and pulled his hair back, sighing. While he did adore Yu when he wasn't an unresponsive vegetable on the bed, his contained childishness and selective obliviousness sometimes got to him, but doctor's excellence stopped him from yelling or shaking said big baby into more senses. "What if it strangles you in your sleep? And I'm sure some of those are poisonous..."

"Bullshit," Kanda cut and disappeared from sight in what looked suspiciously like a dance step. Lavi was about to follow but stopped as he saw the cat crouching on the top of one of the more tree-like plants, looking at him with narrowed eyes clearly ready to pounce as soon as he walked past. Lavi scratched the back of his head awkwardly and decided he didn't fancy becoming food for what now was a perfect domestic replica of a tiger in the jungle, both miniatiurized to fit in a room.

"Fine, I'll tell your godfather that. I didn't know you liked plants so much, though."

"I _always_ liked it."

Kanda tilted the can to water another big plant, tangled all around a good third of the room. Lotus blossoms that nobody else could see were blooming all over the length of its stem.

::

_September 3rd, 1884_

_He's become completely unpredictable. One day he's acting perfectly fine and sane, and the other he's curled up in bed, flinging things at anyone who tries to approach him. He mentions something about the time coming, but nobody has any idea what it is. However he seems alright for prolonged periods of time; I would call it an improvement, but... When it's bad, it's really bad. Sometimes it feels like he doesn't know where he is anymore; the way he decorated his room isn't helping but he gets utterly enraged whenever someone suggests tossing some of those plants out. It's almost like some sort of a security blanket. But from what?_

::

_October 6th, 1884_

_Finally, _finally_ something regarding this regions incompetence seems to be moving. The White Cross hospital - the one Yu had been at before being transferred to the Black Order asylum - was given a thorough inspection, while Black Order Asylum is bordering on a shutdown - even if only because all of the administration and half the staff has ran away to France. The result is what matters! Well, my old man is going to be happy with the competition lessening. Anyway._

_I had completely forgotten I had filed a report concerning Yu's state upon leaving that hospital, and it appears there have been many similar complaints. Not only that section of the hospital is closed, but also the police is investigating the cause. While the owner of the hospital has mysteriously disappeared (again, that seems to always happen during any sort of inspection), it is quite obvious that it had been more of a money laundering mechanism than an actual care facility. Known suspects of abuse are being arrested and known victims are asked to provide more details. Hopefully this will be an example for all those other mental hospitals that believe allowing people to die painlessly is the best help they can give. I hate this kind of thinking; too bad that here and now it seems like the ultimate belief._

_The inspector visited me yesterday, asking for more details - all of what has been a careful attempt to try and meet the actual victim, because my reports never lack details of any kind. I was quite sure Yu would refuse to talk to the police, but after the inspector's many threadings with the red tape I agreed to ask him. To my surprise, he said he could talk to them, though pointing out he doesn't remember much about it. Mr. Tiedoll and I agreed that one inspector could be let in to speak with him today under my supervision. I'm sure he'll be supervising _me_ from the doorway though; he still doesn't seem to trust me completely even though it's obvious who sent that letter._

_It was a little difficult._

_Well, I mean, I already knew the staff in charge of that section had been doing nothing of use, but theoretical knowledge only goes so far. I think I got the most mad when they asked Yu about their methods. He said a few vague things and showed a few scars, some of which look like nothing else but deep cigarette burns. Even the inspector looked a little taken aback, and inquired if those were really acquired in said hospital; Yu attempted to punch him in the face so I had to catch his hands and suggest the police to return at a later time, meanwhile filing what they already have._

_Yu was a little angry with me afterwards; he kept grumbling something about idiots, idiots and idiots and elbowed me in the gut before proceeding not to speak to me for a few hours just like an offended child. Later though, he seemed to have forgotten it, and even let me brush his hair... and I can surely say that alone must make me a very lucky man._

::

Yu's hair was something special, especially now that it was being taken care of once again. Black like a coal, soft like silk and lustrous like... Well, Lavi has never seen the Aurora Borealis, but he was sure even that sort of a comparison couldn't be too much, at least if Yu himself could be compared to the sky, because it was supposed to be beautiful and so was Yu.

And so was everything about him.

Except his personality.

But hell, nobody was perfect all over. It still had a certain charm to it.

Usually only Lenalee was allowed to touch said hair; she usually styled it in a ponytail with two loose strands in front and Kanda seemed fond of that. However, with Lenalee not able to be there all the time when he decided he needed all the knots out but couldn't decently do it himself, Lavi was eventually granted the permission - along with a very believable promise of injury and murder if he dared to _pull_.

While normally it would have probably caused Lavi to try to reconsider his choices in life, he _knew_ Yu wouldn't actually harm him like that, and so he took the chance. And didn't regret it. While Kanda himself usually looked utterly contented and relaxed while his hair was being tended to - almost like a fluffy cat draped in the sunshine - running a brush or a comb and fingers through those black strands could be an almost hypnotic experience, as well.

Lavi always made sure to be careful; not out of fear for his health but simply because he didn't want such a pretty thing be damaged in any way.

::

It was good to have all those plants around, since the lotus flowers could hide behind it. They wouldn't pile up blocking everything else, and the fog that rised from it wouldn't become too suffocating. It still got worse in the evenings, when it got dark outside the window and the idiot rabbit left for home, whatever rabbit hole that was, and the lotus flower gave out a faint, pink glow which for some reason reminded Kanda of a human body torn open, not that he had seen it. It would get hard to breathe and it would be _chilly_ in some sort of an unexplainable way, almost as if all of his senses were slowly dying out. There would be voices, hissing and calling out and barely sensible, invisible tiny sticky hands pulling at him. But it was still much better than before.

In a few more days, he managed to convince everyone to take turns in staying with him for the night; another presence made it just a little easier to bear.

::

_October 31, 1884_

_It's All Hallows' Eve, and I'm staying with Yu tonight. He seemed strangely upbeat all day; I'm not quite sure how to explain it. He's almost cheerful, as much as it is unusual for him. At the same time, he's also delirious. I think he believes he is in some sort of an abandoned castle._

_It is widely believed that today's evening is when the veil between the worlds of the living and the dead becomes as thin as ever. I wonder if this has anything to do with how he's acting... and I can only hope it's not the call of the departed. I- I need to be more optimistic._

::

Kanda turned around, almost in the form of a dance pirouette, never letting go of Lavi's hand so he was forced to lift it over the younger man's head almost as if they _were_ dancing with no music and half of the room turned into a forest.

"It's time to sleep," Lavi reminded softly and tugged on Kanda's hand carefully. He couldn't get used to how quickly the young man's moods seemed to switch around; just this morning he almost threw his breakfast at him and now he was acting like they were... well, the closest of companions or something along those lines.

Kanda pouted in a childish manner, however then gave a small, serious nod. "Tonight's the night," he announced with solemn bitterness and climbed into the bed, though never letting go. A little taken aback by how a part his could be treated like a complete property, Lavi took his seat on the chair by the bedside. Well, if Yu needed to hold his hand to fall asleep or something, he didn't really mind; it wouldn't be the first time.

"And what is happening tonight?" he asked, watching the other man fluff his pillow with the free arm while still sitting up.

Kanda looked a little amused. "Everything," he answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. He probably realized Lavi's expression turning a little frightened as he added, "Don't worry," and pulled him closer.

The redhead didn't understand what was happening at first; he leaned in a little expecting to hear something more, while Kanda leaned in with a conspirative expression almost as if planning to whisper some big dirty secret. That wasn't what happened, however.

Next thing Lavi knew, Yu's lips were pressed against his. His eyes widened slightly, but before he could continue being surprised any more, there was a sharp pain, then heat, and then Yu was once again looking at him from two feet away with a contented expression and bloodied lips.

The little bastard just bit him.

Lavi shook his head a little and touched his lips absently before rubbing the blood off with his sleeve. That... really did feel like a demented yet perfectly genuine kiss. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel about it. So for the moment, he was just going to go with the flow and whine.

"Ow, that hurt."

Kanda looked down at him with a triumphant expression, then flopped down on the pillow and turned on his side, pulling Lavi's hand under the blanket along with his own like some kind of a trophy. "Don't let go," he replied simply, and was asleep the next moment.

Lavi stared for a few moments, then giving Yu's hand a light squeeze and leaning back into the chair. What had just happened? Did Yu... want to tell him something... Or was this just another delirious outburst? What was _he_ doing here, becoming so attached here and to a person who could probably never be _normal_ again? What...

He didn't even notice when he had fallen asleep while sitting up himself.

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**End Chapter**

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